Laughter the best medicine

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Any more learning


“What would you like to be when you grow up Tommy?”

“I’d like to be a teacher, sir.”

“Would you, indeed? And why would you like to be a teacher?”

“Cause I wouldn’t have to do any more learning – I’d know everything by
then!”











-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


He died



The teacher was warning the class about the dangers of going to in cold
weather insufficiently clad. “There was one a boy,” he said, “who was so eager
to go out and play with his sled that he didn’t put a coat or scarf on; he
caught a chill, the chill led to pneumonia and he died!”

The teacher paused to allow the moral of this story to sink in, when a small
voice said, “What happened to the sled ….?”








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Lollipops



An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a
small allotment of money for “behavior modification reinforces.”
Her superior saw the item and asked, “What in heaven’s name is that?’
“Lollipops,” the teacher explained






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Huge hands sir



If I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what
would I have?”

“Huge hands, sir.”






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Construct a sentence


A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the
words: defeat, detail, defense.

There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a
sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."










-- > Man

[batista]

Awesome lAUGHTER MEDICINES...:D :p

[Man]

Hello

Glad That You Liked Them.

-- > Man

Awesome lAUGHTER MEDICINES...:D :p

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Football: A game consisting of 22 skilled players, one impartial referee, two
eagle eyed referee's assistants and one stupid ball.

Teammate: Another person that you have to dribble around

Fans: Two sets of abusive referees

Offside: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are
drawn towards.

Scoring: When 11 men spontaneously start dancing and kissing, regardless of
any injuries, whilst 11 others droop like wallflowers

Striker: Faultless, overpaid, box hogging lay about whom only misses the goal
when he is fed a bad ball

Defender: Player who's function is to commit fouls just outside of the penalty
area

Ball: Round object used by referees to entice players into committing fouls.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


She's much better


A college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach
said, "You're such a big guy--why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no
bigger than your hand."

"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's much better!"




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Chief worrier


A man applied to Sheffield Wednesday FC for a job on the administrative staff.
'What we're really looking for here,' said the chairman, 'is what you might call
a "chief worrier"!

Someone to worry about things like falling attendances, finances, league
promotion, violence on the terraces, and so on. For a chap like that we'd be
prepared to pay £75,000 a year. Interested?'

'Certainly,' said the applicant.

'But - you'll pardon me for saying this, I hope - where on earth is Sheffield
Wednesday going to find that sort of money for a job like this?'

'Ah!' said the chairman. 'That would be your first worry.'




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Graffiti

At Swindon:

SWINDON TOWN IS MAGIC!
And underneath:
WATCH THEM DISAPPEAR FROM THE SECOND DIVISION!

Dumbarton, Scotland:

JESUS SAVES!
And underneath:
DUMBARTON SHOULD SIGN HIM FOR GOAL!

Second Division Club:

STOCKTON -ON-TEAS FOR THE CUP!
Republican area of Belfast:
BRITS OUT!
Under which someone had added:
EXCEPT CHARLTON, SATTERS, TOWNSEND, SHEEDY AND ALDRIDGE


'



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


He retaliated first!



In the heat of the game, one of the players threw a vicious punch the victim
was all set to get -stuck into him when the referee rushed up and held him back.

'Now then, O'Hara! You know you mustn't retaliate!'
'Come on ref!' said O'Hara. 'He retaliated first!'






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Gaelic football


Three football codes prevail in Ireland: Rugby, which is defined as a thugs'
game played by gentlemen; soccer - a gentleman's game played by thugs; and
Gaelic football - a thugs' game played by thugs!





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


H I J K L M N O



There was a football coach that had a player on his team that was a bit low.
The Dean told him that if the player could learn the formula for water, then he
would be allowed to play in the big game.
The day of the big game came and the Dean called the player into his office
and asked him to recite the formula for water. The player grinned real big and
said, "H I J K L M N O."








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


YOU MIGHT ENJOY WRESTLING TOO MUCH IF...


* When you go to a Japanese restaurant, you start a "USA! USA!" chant.

* When you girlfriend dumps you, you tell her she couldn't "play with the big
boys," and that she will never get past mid-card status.

* When you search and search the bible for the book of Austin.

* If you can actually remember Sting's last public words.

* If on a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown."

* If you quit your Job because you have to find your "Smile."

* When you're getting beat up in a bar fight, but you honestly believe that
with a little crowd support, you can turn this thing around.

* If you hit your co-worker in head with a chair while your manager is
distracting him.

* When you look for Sting on the back of the milk carton during breakfast.

* When a guy steals your girl, you consider it an angle.

* When you rack your neighbor's dog.







-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


YOU MIGHT ENJOY WRESTLING TOO MUCH IF...

* When you attend a graduation, and yell "Ooooooh yeah!" when 'Pomp and
Circumstance' plays.

* When you are involved in a bar fight with a guy twice your size and you
think your best line of attack is putting the Tongan death grip on him.

* When you put up your wife or girlfriend up in a card game for 30 days if you
lose.

* When you go to a dance and start dancing like Alex Wright.

* You watch car racing in order to see Bob "sparkplug" Holly

* When you wear your Macho Man foam hat out in public.

* When you win an award and immediately spray paint "nWo" on it.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


YOU MIGHT ENJOY WRESTLING TOO MUCH IF...

* When you rate women on a scale of Chyna to Sunny.

* When you begin to shake someone's hand in public but then hesitate to look
for the crowd's response.

* When you get into a real fight and you blade.

* When you do heel turns on your best friends for no reason.

* If whenever you walk into a party you tell them to "cut the music."

* When anytime anybody asks you a question, you "grab the mike" and yell,
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAN GEEEEEEEEEEEEEENEE!"
.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


YOU MIGHT ENJOY WRESTLING TOO MUCH IF...

* When you die you mustache blond while leaving your beard black.

* If you keep waiting for run-ins during boxing matches.

* After an argument with a friend, you shake hands, hug each other and then
after you raise both yours and your friend's arms in the air, as he looks to the
side, you clothesline him.

* If you think John the Baptist Bladed.

* If you wonder why Bob Backlund's campaign for the presidency never got any
press.


* When you go into work you insult everyone you see just to draw heat.

* If you're a Honky Tonk Man impersonator instead of an Elvis impersonator.

* If you wore spiked shoulder pads during a football game.

* If you loose a job, you change your look and name before starting a new
one.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


YOU MIGHT ENJOY WRESTLING TOO MUCH IF...


* If you find out that you have been fired by calling up the company's
hotline.

* If you purposely blade yourself while shaving.

* If you suspect your best friend is just setting you up for a heel turn.

* When before a fight, you give away a pair of sunglasses to a kid.

* When you go to a funeral and assume that the deceased just lost a Casket
Match.

* When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.

* If you paint your face and don't speak to your co-workers

* When you go to your daughter's softball game and start a "we want blood"
chant.

* If you get into an argument with a friend at work and challenge him to
a loser must retire match.

* When you see a fight in the streets and call the moves.

* If at a ceremony at your work to give out awards to the employee of the
year, you "turn" and slam a chair across the recipient of the award's
head...then you immediately grab the mic and start talking about how YOU
deserved the award.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


YOU MIGHT ENJOY WRESTLING TOO MUCH IF...


* If you refer to all the women in your work area your valets.

* When you keep flour in your underpants (just in case).

* If you refer to The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal as rag
sheets.

* If you wondered why Vince didn't borrow money from Ted DiBiase to
prevent WCW from "buying" its wrestlers.

* You start every sentence with the words "Well, ya know, Mean Gene..." or
"Let me tell ya something..."

* You refer to everyone you talk to as "brother."

* Every time you see someone yawning, you get an uncontrollable urge to thrust
your fingers down their throat and screech uncontrollably.

* Your children are named Crippler, Hitman, and Hollywood.

* You get hoarse on purpose so you can sound like the Macho Man.

* You hold a wrestling tournament for an aluminum foil belt.

* You constantly play really bad air guitar on your foil belt that you cheated
to win.







-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


YOU MIGHT ENJOY WRESTLING TOO MUCH IF...


* On Halloween, you pull a Jericho and steal all the trick-or-treaters' masks
and then claim them as "prizes."

* You get kicked off the school wrestling team for choke slamming your
opponent.

* You cried when the Giant went nWo.

* You took bagpipe lessons just so you could play Roddy Piper's theme music.

* You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.

* You fenced in your bed, so it feels like being in a steel cage.

* You throw your VCR away when you can't find Rick Steiner on your copy of
"Gremlins."

* Your best friend is a microphone.

* After your parents ground you for a week, you refer to them as "heels."

* You try to write to the admissions office at S.C.U.

* You dress your dog up as a "Hulkamaniac."

* You use the phrase "Too Sweet" more than 45 times daily.

* You try to impress your friends by telling them Bobby Heenan jokes.

* You honestly believe that "TBS" stands for "The Brain Station."

* You think "No Holds Barred" should win an Oscar.

* Your greatest accomplishment in life is mastering the sleeper hold.

* You roped in your backyard and you get together with friends to throw chairs
around.








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


YOU MIGHT ENJOY WRESTLING TOO MUCH IF...


* You requested "3:16" as your new license plate.

* You think a tilt-a-whirl looks fun.

* You think that The Giant is a "sissy."

* You put white-out on the faces of your action figures, and then draw black
marks on their faces.

* You give crotch chops to the opposing team during a softball game.

* You feel sorry for jobbers.

* You light your bed on fire and fight your brother in it.

* Your teacher gives you detention, you give them a Stone Cold Stunner and
walk out of class, flashing your middle fingers.

* You leapfrog over people while playing football, then you turn around and
clothesline them.

* You publish a shirt that say's, "Jay Leno 1-0 Who's Next?"

* Every time you sit down at a table you consider how easily it might break if
you were to moonsault it.

* You constantly deny that Brian Christopher is your son.

* After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back.

* You chokeslam your cat.







-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


YOU MIGHT ENJOY WRESTLING TOO MUCH IF...


* You elbow smash your dog and turn him/her over for the three counts.

* Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.

* When you put your kids to bed, you tell them to "Rest In Peace."

* You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.

* Instead of opening a can of tuna you open up a can of whoop ass on your
cat.

* In the school cafeteria, you come up behind a kid and hit him with a
chair and look around for crowd responses.

* You walk down the aisle at a church giving high fives as the people hold up
signs and chant your name.

* You won't come out of your room until your parents play your theme on the
radio.







-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Just so long



`I don't care about results!' said an Irish team manager being interviewed on
television. 'Just so long as our team wins!'








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


1 pint of Guinness

Two Irish tram managers promised their players a 1 pint of Guinness for every
goal they scored during an important match. The final score was 119-98.












-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What was it at half-time?


Paddy: 'I couldn't get to the match last Saturday. What was the score?'

Mick: 'Nil-nil.'

Paddy: `What was it at half-time?'












-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Eleven

The manager and coach of an Irish team were discussing the layers they had on
their books and the manager asked, 'How many goals has O'Halloran scored this
season?'
'Exactly double what he scored last season,' replied the coach.
`Eleven.'








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Play every other match

`I just don't understand it,' an Irish footballer complained.
`One match I play very well, and then the next match I'm terrible.'

'Well,' said his wife, `why don't you just play every other match?'









-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Picked for the school team


"Dad, dad!" cried Philip, as he arrived home one evening. "I think I've been
selected for the school football team."

"That's good," said his father. "But why do you only think you've been
selected? Aren't you sure? What position are you playing?"

"Well," replied Philip, "it's not been announced officially, but I overheard
the football coach tell my teacher that if I was in the team I'd be a great
draw-back."













-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Couldn't play without me


When I was a young boy, all the other kids insisted that I was in the football
team. They said I was vital to the game.
They couldn't possibly play without me.
They needed me.
I was the only one with a football.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What is football?


It has been described as a game with twenty-two players, two linesmen and
20,000 referees.




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Cowley car plant



The following instruction recently appeared on the notice board of a large car
factory in Cowley:
ALL APPICATIONS FOR LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR FAMILY BEREAVE MENTS, SICKNESS, JURY
DUTY, ETC., MUST BE HANDED IN TO THE PERSONNEL MANAGER NO LATER THAN 6 P.M. ON
THE DAY PRECEDING THE MATCH.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


When you kick off



Over breakfast one morning, a little boy kept staring intently at his
grandfather. '1s anything the matter, son?' the old man asked.

'No, Gramps. I was just wondering what position you play in the football
team.'

'What are? You talking about?' laughed Gramps. 'I'm far too old to play
football.'

'Oh,' said the little. Boy. 'It's just that Dad' said that when you
kicked off, we'd be able to afford a new car.'





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Pools win won't change me



Reporter: 'Tell me, Mr. Harris; will your £1,000,000 win on the football pools
make any difference to your way of life?'

Pools winner: 'None at all. I shall carry on exactly as before.'

Reporter: 'But what about all the begging letters?'

Pools winner: 'Oh, I'll keep sending them out as usual.'




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Extra time first

It is said that in Ireland; if it looks like rain before a match, they play
the extra time first.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Holy Mother



A recent Irish League match between Newry and Larne, the visitors were awarded
a penalty and the captain summoned his best player and said, 'I want you to take
this one, Patrick. Just think hard as you kick -think which way the wind is
blowing, and think which direction the keeper's going to jump.'

'Holy Mother!' said Patrick. 'Do you expect me to think and kick at the same
time?'





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


He's so fast


Is your new striker fast?'

`Is he fast? He's so fast, the rest of the team have to run twice as fast just
to keep up with him!





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Switch jobs


And here in L.A., there's talk of a teachers' strike. You know, if they ever
strike, here's what they should do: The striking teachers and the striking
baseball players should switch jobs. You see, this way, the teachers would get
paid what they deserve, and the players would get paid what they deserve.








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Top Ten Signs You're Not Watching A Real Baseball


10. You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes
earlier.

9. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.

8. They keep shouting "Do over!"

7. When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's
speaking French.

6. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.

5. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.

4. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner
time!"

3. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.

2. You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"

1. They play like the Mets.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Top Ten Signs You're Not Watching A Real Baseball

Confucius say


Confucius say that baseball very funny game; man can walk on 4 balls.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



For Pete's sake, run


A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They could only
muster eight players, but were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they
called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their team.

During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first pitch, he
knocked the ball out of the park.

"Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"

The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he
replied. "Why should I? I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."









-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Top Ten Baseball Player Demands



In case anyone has od'ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for
some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.

10. No team flights on Continental Airlines.

9. Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.

8. Make it legal to cork their pants.

7. Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.

6. No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the
live reports tonight from Calvert]

5. Two words: Streisand tickets.

4. Every team has to have at least one player named "Mookie".

3. Plenty of dugout Slimfast.

2. Put an on-deck circle in Madonna's bed.

1. More games against the Mets.








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Sports Is A Drag



Our softball team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the
maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in
case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty
good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for
sure
because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over
from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for three
seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in their
souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she
probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering
whether there were men on base. - Dave Barry, "Sports Is A Drag"








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Right after the National Anthem



A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have
a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw.

"You always lose control at the same point in every game."

"When is that?"

"Right after the National Anthem."








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Baseball and Law


What is the difference between baseball and law?

In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.











-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Europe


A baseball player is sitting on the bench along with the coach. Suddenly,
the coach starts saying, "Germany, Italy, Spain, Britain."

The guy looks at him and says, "Huh?"

To which the coach replies... "Europe!"














-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Babe Root


What do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player?
Babe Root.








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



This story was related by a baseball announcer, who attributed it to
HonusWagner.

Way back when Honus played, they didn't have stadium lights and
when it got dark, you couldn't see what you were doing very well.One time, he
was playing in the outfield and the ball was hit his way, but he just lost it in
the darkness. Fortunately, a rabbit was running by at the time and he grabbed
it and threw it to first for the out.This was the very first time anyone was
ever thrown out by a hare.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


TWO BEAR HUNTERS



Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out
looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running
for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him
with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell
flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into
the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You
skin this one while I go and get another one!"






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


DIARY OF A DEER HUNTER


1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.
2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.
3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.
3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.
3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.
4:30 AM: Head for the woods.
6:05 AM: See eight deer.
6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 AM: CLICK.
6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 AM: Head back to camp.
9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.
10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.
NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.
2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.
2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.
2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.
2:45 PM: Rescued.
2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.
3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.
3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.
5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.
6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.
6:01 PM: Load gun.
6:02 PM: Fire gun.
6:03 PM: One dead pickup.
6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.
6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.
6:07 PM: Fall into fire.
6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.
6:15 PM: Take pickup, leave hunting partners and deer in camp.
6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.
6:26 PM: Start walking.
6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 PM: Meet bear.
6:36 PM: Take aim.
6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.
6:38 PM: Mess pants.
6:39 PM: Climb tree.
11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.
Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.
Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into
small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Giant Fans



Why is it so windy at Candlestick Park? (Home of the San Francisco Giants)
Because of all the Giant Fans!




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


THE PESSIMIST



An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended
when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.
Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature,
and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a
flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and
jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across
the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything
unusual about my new dog?"

I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


THE HUNTING TRIP



It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the
first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee,
and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in
camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take
her along.
Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the
tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll
come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an
elephant... much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he
hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears
Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her
yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a
cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have
your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"


.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


OH-LADY-HOO


Three hunters decided if they got separated or lost, they would use the
yodeling cry "oh-lady-hoo" to help locate each other. One hunter got lost and
yelled "oh-lady-hoo" until he was hoarse but to no avail.
When it began to get dark, he gave up trying to find his friends, saw light at
a nearby farmhouse, knocked on the front door and asked the farmer if he could
stay the night.
"No problem," he said, "I've got a spare room you're welcome to use."
Toward morning, the hunter was awakened by the farmer's young daughter as she
slipped into his bed. In no time at all they were going at it hot and heavy and
in a few minutes she had an orgasm. Her cries of ecstasy soon brought an angry
father into the bedroom.
He had a loaded shotgun and said to the hunter, "You better get dressed real
fast 'cause you and me are going down to the barnyard to see if you can haul ass
fast enough to outrun a load of buckshot!"
As soon as they reached the barnyard, the frightened hunter took off like a
scalded cat, jumped high in the air to clear the barnyard fence, thought of his
missing friends, yelled "oh-lady-hoo" and instantly received a full load of
buckshot in his rear end.
As he lay on the ground bleeding profusely, the farmer walked up and said, "I
know my daughter pretty well and had my mind halfway made up not to shoot. But,
when you yelled, 'I got the old lady too,' that changed my mind real quick."


.




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


CHANGES IN A GOVERNMENT RUN BY PRO WRESTLERS



* Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered
acceptable method of ending a filibuster.

* President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18
inches from TV camera.

* IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema.

* Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by
a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners - Hey, wait a minute...


* Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest,
meanest, stupidest kid in each school.

* January 20: Inauguration ceremonies. January 21: FDA approves
over-the-counter sale of steroids Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask
and cape out of the house.

* During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a
folding chair.

* Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal.

* Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker.

* Line to bodyslam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.

* Before: Mr. Vice President.
After: Stone Cold Al Gore .








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Golf course


A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an
interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility said, "I have four sons.

One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing! I
have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

The Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more
and I'll have a golf course."





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


NEW NASCAR RULES



15) After each caution, the car will run the opposite way ... caution -
clockwise - caution - counter clockwise - caution - clockwise ... etc.

14) Earnhardt, Jr., has to drive with a passenger ... preferably a sumo
wrestler ... for extra weight.

13) Potty pit stops during a half time.

12) No more champagne in Victory Lane. A special Jeff Gordon whine will be
used.

11) The 'wider is better' Pontiac will be narrowed since NASCAR has
discovered the reason Pontiac widened the car was to accommodate Tony Stewart's
ego.

10) Races will be shortened to 7 laps so Darrel Waltrip can finish on the
lead lap on at least one of his final races.

9) There will be a 15 minute half time break so Benny Parson can get a snack
... better make it a 30 minutes.

8) Cars with handicapped plates shall pit in specially marked blue pit
stalls.

7) Depends Undergarments announced it will sponsor a car for the 2001
season. For the betterment of the sport, NASCAR forbids Dick Trickle to be named
the driver.

6) To ward off an approaching sexual discrimination lawsuit, NASCAR mandates
at least one member of each sexuality will be represented on each team ... Male,
Female and Kenny Irwin.

5) Top speed is out! The cars starting positions will depend on how pretty the
car is. If it's ugly they will vote on who gets provisional, the ugliest car
goes home.

4) To save the Inspectors time, Jeremy Mayfield's car will automatically fail
inspection each week and the team will be fined $25,000.

3) Mike Skinner will start backwards so when he spins he will be facing the
right direction.

2) The winner of a race will be determined by who picked the winner in NASCAR
ROCKS ... if no one picked a winner, straws will be drawn ... the straw draw
also holds true for second on back.

1) Because of Political Correctness, no discrimination against the handicapped
will be permitted. This shall be called the Kenny Irwin Rule.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


We'll take their time



Manager: "I'm sorry. Sir, we have no time opened on the course today."

Golfer: "Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm
sure you'd find a starting time for them."

Manager: "Of course we would, sir."

Golfer: "Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time."









-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Why don't Lions eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What did the anouncer named his son?

Mike



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What did the horse say to the human ?

Nothing horses dont talk



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What Kind Of Fever Do Retired Pilots get?'

'Flu'



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


'Waiter waiter, whats this fly doing in my soup?'

'Looks like its trying to get out sir'


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Customer:'Waiter waiter, theres a dead fly in my soup'

Waiter -- sobbing -- 'He was so young'


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


'Waiter waiter, this soup tastes funny'

'Then why arent you laughing then?

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


'Waiter waiter, theres a fly in my soup'

'Thats alright sir, he wont drink much'

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A baby lion is chaseing a man around a tree.

Mother Lioness:Honey, don't play with your food.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


If an athlete has athlete's foot, what does an astaurnat have?

Missile Toe!

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What do u call a dog with a fever?

A "hot dog".

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


How is 2+2=5 and your left hand alike?

They both aren't right.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



"What's green and sings"

"Elvis Parsley."
.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



Why is a math book so grumpy?

Because it has so many problems.
.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.




What do you call a deaf monster?

Anything you like he cant hear you

.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.




What did one wall say to the other?

Meet you at the corner!

.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



5/4 people are bad with fractions


.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


what kind of car does mickey mouse drive.

a minnie van

.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What is the hardest bow to tie?

A rainbow

.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


WHATS HEAVIER 1 POUND OF LEAD OR 1 POUND OF FEATHERS?

THEY BOTH WEIGH ONE POUND.


.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


How did the teacher know Jessica was going to be an astronuat when she grew up?


She took up so much space in school


.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What is harder to catch the faster you run?

Your breath.


.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What is a volcano?

A Mountain with hiccups

.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Why did the women plant gold in the garden?

Because she wanted rich soil

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


what room can a student never enter?

A mushroom

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

why did the crab get arrested??????

because it kept it pinching



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What do you get if you cross an electric blanket with a toaster?

You pop out of bed in the morning!



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

How do you make soup gold?

Put in 14 carrots!(Karrots)


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Why would Snow White make a good judge?

Because she was the fairest of them all!

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Why did the police go to the baseball field?

A: Because they heard someone was stealing a base.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What radio is a pig most afraid of????

A HAM Radio



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: Whats a frog's favorite drink?

A: A diet croak!


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What is the name of the candy that is never on time?

Choco-LATE


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What does one peanut say to another peanut?

You crack me up

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What kind of music does bedrock listen to?

rock and roll



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What's green, has bumps, and plays football?

The Green Bay Pickles



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What did the pancake say to the syrup?

We're in a sticky situation, pal!



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Why did the bee go home?

To go get his honey



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

When is a potato not Irsh?

When it's a french fry


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Whats the longest word?

Smile because it has a mile in it.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Why was the mother flea mad?

All her children went to the dogs.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What did the invisible man say to his girlfriend?

"Baby, I'm outta sight."



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What did the magnet say to the second magnet?

"You're very attractive.




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What is the best thing to take in the desert?

A thirst-aid kit.




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


what is a fisherman's favorite pitch?


A sinker



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Why didn't the bike finish the race?

Because it was two tired!


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


WHAT IS IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE?

A: THE LETTER H.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Do mummies like being mummies?

Of corpse! Of corpse!


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What kind of rings do fruits wear when they are getting married??

onion rings

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What do you have to pay to go to school?

Attention


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Where does a computer take it's sick pets?

To the intervet

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What did the star say to the little star?

Your too young to be out at night.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What's a witches favorite asignment?


Spell



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What did the teddybear say when she was offered dessert?

No thanks. I'm stuffed.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

How do your teeth stay together?

A: Because of Tooth Paste


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What did the Crayon call her son?

Art


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What do hawks eat for dessert?

Mice Cream


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Where do chickens live?

In Ken-clucky.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What did the plate say to the other plate?

Lunch is on Me!


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What did the "sun" say to the moon?

Don't you think I look "HOT"!


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Why do birds fly south?

Because it was to far to walk

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

How can you communicate with a fish?

Drop it a line


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Why are elephants large,grey,and wrinkly???

Because if they were small,white,and smooth,they would be asprin!


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Why did the spider go on the computer?

To set up a web.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

How do you get out of a house with a mirror and a table?

Look in the mirror, see what you saw.take saw, saw table in half.Two halves make a hole.Climb trough hole

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What did the mother buffalo say to her son that was going to college???

A: Bi son


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Why did the bee get married?

Because he found his honey.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What drinks pop and sings at the same time?

A pop singer

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Where do the cows go on vacation?

A. To the moo vies.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A CAT WHITH STRIPES?

A Tiger



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What is black and white and read all over?

A newspaper


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What do you call a sleeping Dinousour?

A Dinousnoras


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What do you call two banana peels?

A pair of slippers ? !


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Why did the doctor make the patient cross the room?

A: Becuse she didnt want to get a shot.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

In which garden there are no flowers grown ?


In a Kindergarden


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Why did the boy put the report card over his head?

He wanted to get higher grades


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What is a sharks favorite snack?

A: Fish and ships


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What does a GINGER-BREAD MAN use when he breaks his leg?

A: A CANDY CANE !!!!!


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What happened to the cat that ate a ball of yarn?

A: It had mittens!


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Why didin't the coach trust his team???

Because there were to many sneakers in the lockerroom!!!!


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What does a house wear?

A d dress


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What was the 1st animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What's the difference between a football and a duck?

A: You'll find one in a huddle, and the other in a puddle.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What kind of bird is always sad?

A bluebird.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What do whales spread on their toast?

Jellyfish

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What kind of pet lives on the floor?

A carpet




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Why did the girl tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Why do fish swim in saltwater?

Because pepper makes them sneeze



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


what did the tub say to the water?

run to me i'll hold you.




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What do you call a dog that sits in front of a fire?


A hotdog.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


: why was the duck mad?

because he couldnt get his bill out of the mail.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What do you call a polar bear in Africa?

Lost


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


what is the differece between "here" and "there".

The letter "t"

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


You say:"How many kidneys do you have?"

They say: "two"

You say: "Wrong! You don't have any kid-nees, only adult knees

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


You say:"How many kidneys do you have?"

If a butcher is six feet two inches tall, what do you think he weighs?

Meat

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


You say:"How many kidneys do you have?"

Why can't a dalmation dog hide from it's mom?

Because it's spotted

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


You say:"How many kidneys do you have?"

WHY IS THE MONKEY ACTING SO CRAZY?

BECAUSE HE WENT BANANAS OVER BANANAS.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


You say:"How many kidneys do you have?"

What do you do when an elephant breaks his toe?

A: You call the toe Struck

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


You say:"How many kidneys do you have?"

If i had $50 and you gave me $20 what would I have?

$50 because you wouldn't give me $20


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


You say:"How many kidneys do you have?"

What did shaggy say when he couldn't find scooby doo?

Scooby dooby doo where r u we have some mysteries to solve

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


You say:"How many kidneys do you have?"

What did one candle say to the other candle?

Shall we go out tonight?

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

JobInterview Question


You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass
by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there

could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma

that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and
thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend
because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect
chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find

your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer.

He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and

let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for

the bus with the woman of my dreams."


Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

HR Heaven and Hell

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director
was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven
where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really
sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to,"
replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,"
said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in
an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she
found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her
were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and
they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up
and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They
played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club
where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the
Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand
and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went
up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter
waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next
24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent
a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman
paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say
this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and
again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends
were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in
sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,
today you're staff..."




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.

"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request. The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him. The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes. Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A cannibal son and his father are out looking for food. They are watching people walk down the street. The son suggested a particularly plump woman and the father rejected saying that she's too fatty. Later on the son asked about a very skinny woman. Again the father refused saying that she’s to skinny. After a while the son pointed out a very attractive woman.” sure son" the father replied, drooling. “We’ll take her home and eat you mother!"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Five cannibals(Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team
now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen
for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals
promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard,
and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has
disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The
cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others:
"Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders,
managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now
YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Bill, Hillary and Vice President Gore were on their way back to Washington on Air Force One, when Bill said " I'd like to drop a $100 bill out of the plane and make one person very happy".

Hillary thought for a moment then replied "I’d rather drop ten, $10 bills out and make ten people very happy".

To which Vice President Gore said " I would drop a hundred $1 bills out and make a hundred people very happy".

The pilot then spoke up and said " Why don't all three of you jump out and make 250 million people very happy?"



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Bill and Hillary Clinton go to a Yankees game together. They had VIP seats in the first row. All of a sudden, a secret service agent comes up to Bill and whispers in his ear. A few seconds later, Bill grabs Hillary and throws her out onto the field! The SS agent comes running back to Bill and says, "Mr. President, sir, I think you misunderstood me. I said throw out the first pitch."




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Three Boy Scouts, in uniform, were fishing in a boat one day when they heard cries for help. They followed the sounds and found another boat capsized as a man struggled to keep his head above water. Being Boy Scouts, they went to his aid and fished the man out.

As it turned out, the man was Bill Clinton. The president toweled himself off and caught his breath, and thanked the three scouts. He asked if there was anything he could do for them.

"I'd sure like a tour of the White House," the first scout said.
"No problem," said Bill. "How's next week?"
"I'd sure love to go for a ride in Air Force One," said the second scout.
"We'll leave aboard her tonight," Bill replied.
"I'd like to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery," said the third.
"I'm sure we can arrange that," said Bill. "But son, you're awfully young to be worrying about that, aren't you?"
"You don't know my Dad," the scout replied. "When he finds out I helped save your life, he's gonna kill me!"




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

One day Bill Clinton was talking to Hillary. He was going on a vacation and before he left said, "Whatever you do don't look under my bed." So while Bill was on vacation Hillary got curious and decided to look under his bed. She found a million dollars and 2 empty beer cans. When Bill came home she said, "What's with the two beer cans under your bed?" Bill replied, "Oh. That marks all the times I've cheated on you." "Well, I forgive you," said Hillary, "But then what's with the million dollars?" He replied, "I've started to recycle."

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

President Clinton decided to buy a puppy as a present for Hillary. He snuck the puppy under his coat into the White House and as he was walking down one of the halls he comes upon Al Gore. Clinton could not hold back his joy and shared his surprise with the Vice President.

"Look what I got for Hillary!" exclaims Clinton, holding up the puppy.

Al Gore stares for a moment, then his eyes brighten up as he says, "Nice trade, sir!"

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

At a meeting for peace negotiations Bill Clinton and Saddam Hussein were in Baghdad and when bill sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddam with three buttons on the arm of his chair. After a few minutes Saddam pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill square in the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to ignore this and continued talking until Saddam pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill Bill in the chin. Saddam started laughing. But again Bill ignored this and continued. A minute later Bill saw Saddam press the third button and he jumped in the air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the balls. Bill had decided he had enough of this and when home.

Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and as Saddam sat down in Bills conference room he noticed Bill had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while after they started talking Bill pressed the first button but nothing happened, Bill started giggling. They continued to talk then Bill pressed the second button, Saddam moved but again nothing happened. Saddam was getting a little jumpy and Bill was laughing even harder. A few minutes later Bill pressed the third button and stared pissing himself but like the others nothing happened. Saddam had enough of this, stood up and said, "That's it! I'm going back to Baghdad!" to which Bill replied "What Baghdad?"

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

One day, a man on a golf course, was having a really lousy game. Just as he was about to hit the ball, he heard a voice behind him. "Ribbit 9 iron, ribbit 9 iron." He turned around and there was a frog on the green. "OK frog, we'll just see how much you know," said the man. He used the 9 iron and hit a hole in one. The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" "Ribbit 3 wood, ribbit 3 wood." After golfing the most amazing game of his life, the man takes the frog to the casino. "What do you think frog?" "Ribbit black 21, ribbit black 21." After winning around 40,000 dollars, the man takes the frog up to his hotel room and sits it on the bed. "OK frog, you've done so much for me, is there anything I can do for you?" "Ribbit kiss me, ribbit kiss me." So, the man leaned over and kissed the frog. It turned into a beautiful woman named Monica.

"And that, your honor, is how she got into my room, or my name isn't William Jefferson Clinton!"




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Bill Clinton went jogging one evening and came upon the Washington Monument.

He said, "George, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, George replied,
"Abolish the IRS and start over."

Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging. Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped there. He said, "Tom, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, Tom replied,
"Abolish welfare and start over."

Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial.He said, "Abe, what should I do?"
After a few seconds, Abe replied,
"Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A married couple is having problems so they go to counseling. They sit down with the specialist and the wife points out the numerous problems with their marriage. After about 10 minutes, the specialist gets up, walks over to the wife and kisses her passionately. Then he tells the husband “now sir, if this happens 3 times a week your wife will feel much better about herself and your relationship.”

The man says; “well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go out drinking on Fridays.”



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager."

She walked back to the manager's office and said, "There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, "Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?

Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

If you are flying in an airplane and it gets on fire where do you come out?

In the news.




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Did you hear about the cannibals that attended the wedding?

They toasted the bride and groom.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A guy thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive.
His hallucination became a real problem for his family and they finally took him to see a psychiatrist. After spending many laborious sessions trying to convince the guy he was still alive, the psychiatrist tried one last approach. He opened his medical book and proceeded to show the man that dead men don’t bleed. After a mind-numbing study, the man seemed convince that dead men don’t bleed, and the psychiatrist asked: “Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?” “Yes I do” the man replied. “Very well, then,” the psychiatrist said. He took out a pin and pricked the man’s finger. Out came a drop of blood. The doctor asked. “What does that tell you?” “Oh my goodness!” The patient exclaimed as he stared doubtfully at his finger…. “Dead men do bleed!!”





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

The Substitute Tooth Fairy

I was leaving for a two-day conference, and my seven-year-old daughter, Katherine, was becoming overly clinging and teary. I was mystified at her emotional reaction until I heard her say to my husband, "Daddy, I have a loose tooth. If it falls out while Mommy is gone, do you know how to handle this tooth fairy thing?"




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

One day Little Jonnie says to his father:
I want to get married.

Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind?

Johnny: Yes...Grandma

Father: What? There is a problem now; you want to marry my Mother?

Johnny: Why not? You married my mother




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.” that’s a complicated order sir, said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.” The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What time does the library open? The voice on the phone asked. “Nine A.M.” came the reply. And what is the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask such a question? Asked the librarian “Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice. “No, not till nine A.M..!” the librarian said, “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?” “Who said I wanted to get in? The man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

This old man was feared by all his neighbors because they believe he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. Every time he had a confrontation with his wife, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night along with the same statement. “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” Well he died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The cheerfulness of her actions was becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: are you not afraid? Worried? Concerned? That this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down.”

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?”

“Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh?

“I did!” sobbed Johnny.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. “I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.” “Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank. “You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

This guy pulls into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure his dog had fresh air. The dog was stretched out in the back seat, and the guy wanted to impress upon he that he must remain there. The guy walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!” The driver of a nearby car gave the guy a startled look “I don’t know about you, man,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?”

“But why?” Asked the young guy.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the bald man replied.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Hell is a place where:
The lovers are Swiss
The cooks are English
The mechanics are French
The police are German and
The government is run by the Italians



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Harry asked his wife: Did your leave a tip for the boy who delivers our paper?

His wife replies: Yes, dear. I put some of it in the bushes, some of it on the roof, and some of it in the front yard.




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will.

Soldier: Which one is Will?




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Sergeant: Private, I think the enemy soldiers are hiding in the wood. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us.

Private: Okay, sir, but if you see a bunch of guys running out the woods, don’t shoot the one in



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A Policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver; When I saw you driving down the road, I thought to myself, “sixty-five at least.”

The woman replied: I don’t think that is quite fair. I think this hat makes me look older.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Heaven is a place where:
The lovers are Italian
The cooks are French
The mechanics are German
The police are English, and
The government is run by the Swiss


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Calvin sees Elmer and asks: What’s up?
Elmer says; first I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations.
Calvin says: Boy, you had a time!
Elmer: I’ll say! I thought I’d never pull trough that spelling test.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Patient: Oh, doctor, I have terrible troubles. I do hope that you can help me
Psychiatrist: Now calm down. Just lie down on the couch and tell me all about your troubles.
Patient: Well, doctor, I have a duplex penthouse apartment in New York and a summer house on the beach at the Hampton. I drive a Rolls-Royce, and my wife drives a Jaguar. My two boys go to the best private school in the city. We belong to three very swanky clubs, and every year I manage to spend a month in Europe.
Psychiatrist: These things are very wonderful, but let’s get down to your basic problem.
Patient: I was just getting to it, doctor. You see, I only make $100 a week!


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Did you hear about the two explorers, Bob and John who were going through the jungle when a ferocious lion jumped out in front of them?
Bob whispered to John to keep calm. Bob asked John if he remembered what they had read in the book on wild animals. “If you stand absolutely still and look the lion straight in the eye, he will turn tails and run away,” said Bob. John said, “Fine. You’ve read the book, I’ve read the book, but has the lion read the book?”


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Pilot: Have you ever flown in a small plane before?
Passenger: No, I have not.
Pilot: Well, here is some chewing gum. It will help to keep your ears from popping.
Pilot (after the plane landed): Did the gum help?
Passenger: Yep. It worked fine. The only trouble is I can’t get the gum out of my ears.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Student: I would love for you to teach me a foreign language.

Teacher: Certainly. French, German, Russian, Italian, Spanish?

Student: Oh, which is the most foreign?




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

"An aide to the prime minister of Canada called President Bush a moron. Well that's not fair. Here's a guy who never worked a day in his life, got rich off his Dad's money, lost the popular vote and ended up president. That's not a moron, that's genius!"
Jay Leno


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

An older man went to his doctor with a variety of complaints. After examining him, the doctor said, "Well, you've got some problems, all right, but if you'd give up smoking, drinking, and chasing women, I think you'd last a good while longer."

"But Doc," answered the man, "I don't smoke, drink, or chase women."

"Oh," replied the doctor, "I'm sorry."

Moral: Keep some vices to give up in your old age.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

"Doctor,I have a son who thinks he's a chicken," said the man.
"Why don't you bring him in for treatment?" asked the doctor.
"We need the eggs," replied the man. !!"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A woman sadly tells her husband: We will not be together in heaven as we may die at different times my dear.

After a pause her husband replied; my dear that is why the place is known as 'Heaven'.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager."

She walked back to the manager's office and said, "There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, "Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What do you call a fish with two knees

A two knee fish! tuna



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A Smart Woman called her new boss to explain there was a problem with her check.
In checking the timesheets the boss noticed that she had not punched in since her first day of orientation. He tried to explain that her check was right since she had only worked the one day for the company.
The Smart Woman went on insisting that her check was short, and that the company apparently had problems with their math in figuring out her check. She asked her boss how many days were in a year.
He said there are 365.
She asked if he knew how many weeks were in a year.
And he replied there are 52.
She went on to say that since there are 52 weeks per year in which she had 2 weekend days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since she was scheduled to work 8 hours a day, she spent 16 hours each day away from work, and that added up 170 days, leaving only 91 days for work.
She went on to explain that during the day she spent in company orientation she learned that the company allowed her 30 minutes each day for her two coffee breaks, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days for work.
Orientation also informed her that she would be given a 1-hour lunch each day, which used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
The company also allowed 2 days per year for sick leave, leaving her only 20 days per year to work.
The company additionally allowed her to be off 5 holidays per year, bringing her available working time down to 15 days.
Then there were the 14 days vacation the company so generously allowed all employees which leaves only 1 day for her to work ... and well, the boss has already conceded that she did time in and out on her orientation day, so would he please get her check corrected. And if it would be easier for the accounting department ... they could go ahead and make it out for her yearly salary, since she had obviously already put in her share of work for that year.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.

"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right."

"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button."

The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Notice to Employees (Includes Temporary and Part Time Staff)

SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors' notes as proof.
We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having any type of surgery will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.

DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.

This new benefit program goes into effect immediately.

The Management

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

You know how to catch a nice big trout? You look for a place in the stream where there's a sunken log or hole where the big ones like to hang out. Every day for a week, you throw in a handful of worms and a sugar cookie. On the last day, you just throw in the worms. When the trout sticks his head out of the water to see what happened to the sugar cookie, you hit him over the head with a baseball bat!


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Why did the golfer bring an extra pear of pants when he went golfing?

In case he got a "hole in one".



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Three medical students were discussing what specialties they were planning to go into when they finished school.
One said, "I want to be a brain surgeon. That's the frontier, the cutting edge of medicine, where so many discoveries are being made."
The second said, "I want to be a heart surgeon. There are so many people who need that kind of help; look at all the good I could do."
The third said he wanted to be a dermatologist. When the others had finished laughing, they asked him why on earth he wanted to be a skin doctor.
"Listen," he replied. "Your patients never die, they never get well, and they never get you up at night."



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A man came to the emergency room with a series of long, jagged tear marks on his cheek and neck, as though he had been clawed by some large animal.

"What happened to you?" asked the doctor who was examining him.

"Chain saw accident," the man replied.

"Well, you're lucky," the doctor said; "I've seen worse."

"It wasn't turned on," the man replied.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

An eighty-year-old man went to his doctor to complain about pain in one knee. The doctor examined it gently and said, "Well, you know that knee is eighty years old. You can't expect too much."

"That's true," the man agreed; "but Doc, so is the other one and it's not bothering me like this one!"



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

An american dignitary was visiting a village in a poor African nation. Not certain of his welcome, he made a speech full of glowing terms to the natives gathered there.
"I bring you warm greetings from the people of the United States!" he declared, which was duly translated by the interpreter.
"Kazanga!" cried the natives.
"We wish this beautiful country peace and prosperity!" he continued.
"Kazanga!" yelled the natives, even louder.
"We hope this will be the beginning of many years of mutual friendship and economic benefit to both nations!" he went on.
"Kazanga! Kazanga!" roared the natives.
Later, as the dignitary was being escorted around the village by the chief, he commented, "That seemed to go well. They really do like us Americans, don't they?"
"Uh, watch where you walk," said the chief; "don't step in the kazanga."



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A man was cleaning out old clothes from his closet, planning to give them to charity. In the pocket of a suit coat he found a shoe-repair ticket, about ten years old.

"I believe that place is still in business," he thought, so he went down to the shop. Without saying anything, he presented the ticket.

The man behind the counter looked at the number and said, "I'll have them for you tomorrow."



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Three Texas cowboys went to a steakhouse to eat. Each was trying to impress the others.

The first man ordered his steak "rare -- red rare."

The second said, "Just pass mine through the flames and singe it a little. I want to see blood dripping out of it."

Not to be outdone, the third man said, "Aw, just turn the bull loose and I'll tear off a hunk as he goes by."

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

In Australia, a race was proclaimed, with a huge payoff for the winner. The one stipulation was that only ostriches were allowed to run the race. A fellow decided to enter, but not having an ostrich, and hearing that the fastest ostrich in the world was the mascot of the local police department, he stole the bird and entered the race. As luck would have it, when the pistol shot went off to start the race, the ostrich buried its head in the sand and the fellow lost the race.


Moral: Never run afoul of the law!


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What is the true definition of a diplomat?

It is a person who can tell someone else to go to hell in a way that the other person will thank him for it!



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Bumper sticker: "Last Christmas I got a new rifle for my wife. Good trade, don't you think?"



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”

“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?” “No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Er... How much for a season pass?"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Teachers

Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.
Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.

As the policeman turn to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor ...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?"

The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 105."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

Admission for the course was thus secured.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son.
The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

Admission for the course was thus secured.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurt real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Two men were walking through the woods and came upon a big black, deep hole. One man picked up a rock and tossed it into the hole and stood listening for the rock to hit bottom. There was no sound.
He turned to the other guy and said "that must be a deep hole...let's throw a bigger rock in there and listen for it to hit bottom." The men found a bigger rock and both picked it up and lugged it to the hole and dropped it in.
They listened for some time and never heard a sound. Again, they agreed that this must be one deep hole and maybe they should throw something even bigger into it.

One man spotted a rail-road tie nearby. They picked up the tie, grunting and groaning, and lugged it to the hole. They tossed it in. No sound. All of a sudden, a goat came flying out of the woods, running like the wind, and flew past the men and jumped straight into the hole. The men were amazed.
About that time, an old hayseed farmer came out of the woods and asked the men if they had seen a goat. One man told the farmer of the incredible incident they had just witnessed...they had just seen this goat fly out of the woods and run and leap into the big hole. The man asked the farmer if this could have been his goat.

The old farmer said "naw, that can't be my goat...he was chained to a railroad tie."

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”. Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

John was driving his pickup down a country lane when suddenly a chicken darts out into the road in front of him. He's just about to slam on his brakes to avoid the chicken when he realizes that the chicken has sped on ahead doing about 30 miles per hour.

Amazed, he sped up to follow, but the chicken takes off faster and faster. Finally the chicken screeches into a turn and goes into a small farm. As he turns to follow, John notices that the chicken has three legs. He pulls to a stop in front of the farmhouse, and looking around, notices that ALL the chickens have three legs.

He says to the farmer, "Three-legged chickens? That's astounding!"
The farmer replies, "Yep, I bred 'em that way -- I love drumsticks."
John: "Well, tell me, how does a three-legged chicken taste?"
Farmer: "Dunno, haven't been able to catch one yet."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to start farming. He goes to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well. "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"
He says to the farmer, "Three-legged chickens? That's astounding!"
The farmer replies, "Yep, I bred 'em that way -- I love drumsticks."
John: "Well, tell me, how does a three-legged chicken taste?"
Farmer: "Dunno, haven't been able to catch one yet."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.

Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
Agent: "Wait just a minute, Susan... it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A farmer walks into a lawyer's office and says: "I'd like to get one of them-thar day-vorce-ees" "Yes sir, I believe I can help you" replied the lawyer. "Do you have any grounds?" "Oh shore do!", exclaimed the farmer, "Got me bout a 140 acres out back a the house thar." "No no..., I mean do you have a case?" asked the lawyer. "No sur," replied the farmer, "I drive one of them John Deer's" "You don't understand," said the lawyer, "You need something like a grudge." "Oh!!" said the farmer, "I got me one of those! That's what I park muh Deer in!" The lawyer, a bit frustrated responded, "Sir, you've got to have a reason to divorce your wife. Does she beat you up or anything?" "No sur", replied the farmer, "I purt near get outta bed afore her ever mornin." Finally the exasperated lawyer shouted, "WHY do you want a divorce?" "Oh, well..." replied the farmer, "She says we jus can't communicate!!"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Okay, so a Texan rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land you think you got here?"

Mainer: 'Bout 10 acres I'd say." Texan (boasting): Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!" Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding."

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A farmer and his wife had just woken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"
"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.
"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?"
The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Customer: are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.computers .


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with
your computer when....

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com

7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a
computer.

8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really
depressed.

9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you
landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

If operating systems Were Airlines

DOS Air: Passengers walk out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane,
push it until it gets in the air, hop on, then jump off when it hits
the ground. They grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop
on, jump off...

Mac Airways: The cashiers, flight attendants, and pilots all look the
same, talk the same, and act the same. When you ask them questions
about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need
to know, and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

Windows Airlines: The terminal is neat and clean, the attendants
courteous, the pilots capable. The fleet of Lear jets the carrier
operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushes above
the clouds and, at 20,000 feet, explodes without warning.

OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty - only a few prospective
passengers mill about. The announcer says that a flight has just
departed, although no planes appear to be on the runway. Airline
personnel apologize profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside. They tell each
passenger how great the flight will be on these new jets and how much
safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but they will have to wait a
little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe
until mid-2005. Maybe longer



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

An exasperated caller to dell computer Tech support couldn't
get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer
was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she
pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on
this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out
to be the computer's mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed
the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and
rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said
to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk.
When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...."
The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove
Disk 1 first.




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions
for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk
from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically
removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were
problems




-- > Man