Laughter the best medicine

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. "I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!" Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene. After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!" The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said, "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?" Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke. He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leant out and said, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?" "Registration and license please" came the reply.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



An old man was tired from riding his bike, and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, "I have no room for your bike in my car, but I'd like to help you in someway seeing you standing here in the hot sun." After a few seconds of thought, the driver said, "I know what we can do. I have a rope behind my seat. I'll tie one end of it to the rear end of my car and the other end to the front your bike. You ride your bike, and I'll give you this whistle. If I go too fast for you, just blow your whistle and I'll slow down." The old guy agreed to it. So off he went down the highway with the old man and his bike in tow. A little ways down the rode, a young lady in a bright yellow corvette pulls up next to them. She gives the guy in the red Vette the High Sign, meaning "you want a drag?" Off they go down the highway, 100 plus MPH, the old man blowing his whistle like crazy. They zipped by a Highway Patrol cop sitting under a tree. The cop knew he couldn't catch them, so he called ahead to his fellow cop down the rode to intercept. "Car number 2, this is car number 1." "Go head number 1, what'cha got for me?" I got a red and yellow Vettes come down your way doing hundred plus, can you intercept?" "Ten-four, Is there anything else?" "Yeah, you wouldn't believe this, but there is an old guy riding a bicycle blowing his whistle trying to pass."



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



A cop pulls a young guy over:

"Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid.

"Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop.

Yup, but I didn't see you!




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.

Driving up beside her, he says, "Pull over!" "No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist as the police clerk handed him a receipt for his traffic violation.

“Keep it,” the clerk advises. “When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



Holidays around the precinct are always lively, especially in the 911 areas.

One particular night, a drunk calls in, and the following communication began:

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Osifer, I've been robbed!"

"Can you be more specific sir?"

"Osifer, someone stole my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."

"Could you please repeat that sir?" By now there's a crowd gathering around the dispatcher's chair.

"Yes, shur. Someone stole my gas pedal, my brake pedal and my steering wheel."

"Sir, what is your location?"

"I'm in my car."

"Sir, could you explain to me exactly where your car is located?"

"Yes, shur. I'm on Baker Street. Uh, 488 Baker!"

"Alright, sir, we'll send officers out to investigate it. Try to stay calm."

The phone call ends at this point but not five minutes later another call comes in.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Osifer?"

"Yes, what is your emergency please?"

"Osifer, this is me again. I just found my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."

"Okay, sir. Are you still needing assistance?"

"No, shur, I was just in the back seat."



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



Speed Trap

A Police officer had been told by his sergeant that he was to bring up his quota of speeding fines, he decided to park and use his radar gun flashing the cars as they drove by on a busy street.

Well one hour went by then two and no one was speeding. After about six hours a lone car came speeding by at well over the limit, the officer turned on his lights and siren and pulled the car over. As the officer approached the drivers window he remarked "I've been waiting for you all day" and the driver replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



Officer: Do you know why I stopped you, son?

Driver: Cause you thought I had some doughnuts?


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.

“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.

“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.

So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped
Drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



“Pull over the curb,” said the policeman. “You don’t have a taillight.”

The motorist stepped out, looked in back of the car, and stood quivering and speechless. “Oh, it’s not that bad,” said the policeman. The man mumbled, “It’s not the taillight I am worried about. Where are my wife and trailer?”



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



Policeman: "Did you get the license number of the car that knocked you down?"

Pedestrian: "No, but I know who it was. My mother-in-law!"

Policeman: "How can you be so certain?"

Pedestrian: "I’d recognize that laugh anywhere!"




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer.

“I’m not really sure,” confessed the drunk, “but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already."




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



One night, while on foot patrol, a Police officer approached a local bar. Through the door stumbled a drunk who promptly fell on his backside. He lay on the ground with his eyes closed. Upon opening his eyes, he sees the Officer looking down at him.

He says,"Osifer, did you see me fall!"

The Officer says,"Yeah, I did."

The drunk asks, “Do you know who I am?"

"Nope." Comes the reply.

"Well,” says the drunk, “Then how do you know it was me that fell?"




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



A man traveling at 130 mph on the interstate was stopped by highway police.

"Sorry, officer" said the driver, "was I driving too fast?"

"No, sir. You were flying too low."

The Officer says,"Yeah, I did."

The drunk asks, “Do you know who I am?"

"Nope." Comes the reply.

"Well,” says the drunk, “Then how do you know it was me that fell?"




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?"

He answered, "Shut Up."

He asked again "What's your name?"

"Shut Up."

The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"

"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



A state trooper is driving down the highway when he sees a truck driver pull over,
walk to the side of the truck with a tire jack, bang on the side of the truck a few times, and then drive away. A couple of miles down the road the driver does the same thing.

A few more miles, same thing. The trooper pulls the truck over and asks the driver to explain. The driver says, “Well, the load limit is ten tons, and I’m carrying fifteen tons of parakeets, so I’ve got to keep some of them flying around.”





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."

The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A Highway Patrolman started creeping up on a highway speeder when it was evident that the individual being pursued realized there was a Highway Patrolman behind him and he stepped on the gas to out run the cruiser. The trooper turned on his beacons and siren and after a brief chase, the individual realized that he could not outrun the cruiser and decided it would be best if he just pulled over to the side and just give up. The Trooper pulled up behind the speeder and then walked up to the driver's side window. He said, "Sir, why were you trying to out-run me?" "You knew it would end this way." The speeder said, "Officer, please understand, I meant you no disrespect, but my wife ran off with a Highway Patrolman last month and I thought you were bringing her back."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country. Count down to #1...

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

# 14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and corn dogs and step in monkey poo. "

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

The envelope please.....................

AND THE WINNER IS ...



#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, “Now these are
real tough guys in here.” Do you can handle it?” “No problem,” the applicant replied,
“If they don’t behave, out they go!”


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A man gets this real fast sports car and hes is flying down the road at about 80 mph. After a couple miles a cop pulls out on to the road and turns on his siren. The man pulls over and waits for the officer to give him a ticket. The officer comes up to his car and says "I have been waiting for you all day".

The man says "Well I got here as fast I could".



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


I stopped a drunk driver, and asked him to walk the white line. He said I’m not drunk. I'll walk that wire fence over there. I said ok, and he climbed onto the fence took a couple steps, and fell inside the fence. A large bull with huge horns butted him, he grabbed the horns, and they went around for several minutes. The bull finally threw him into the road, and he got up looked at me and said, "See I told you I wasn't drunk if I was I would have taken that bicycle away from that fellow".



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A fellow is trying out his new sports car; driving at 80 mph he sees a state patrol car in his mirror; he drives faster to 95 mph...the police car is right behind him; brings it up to 110 mph and the police car is right on his tail...finally, he stops; the trooper comes up to his car as asks "what's your story" the trooper continues; every time I stop someone going as fast as you were, they have some kind of story. He tells the trooper; "actually, I have a story but you wouldn't believe it" the trooper says "try me"...He then tells the trooper: "three months ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper...I thought you were him bringing her back!!



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their knives and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise. Came and killed those two dead boys. If you don't believe this lie is true, just ask the blind man he saw it too!!!



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


“Hi, police department? I’ve lost my cat and …

“Sorry lady, this is not a police job, we are too busy…

“But you don’t understand… this is a very intelligent cat. He is almost human.

He can practically talk.”

“Well, you’d better hang up, lady. He may be trying to call you right now.”



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman. He asked, "Why was I pulled over when I wasn't the only one speeding." The police replied, "Have you ever been fishing?" The man then said, "yes". "Have you ever caught all the fish?" asked the policeman.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


An inebriated crook had a little problem and ended up at the police station.

“Couldn’t you get that crook to confess to the crime?” asked the police chief.

“We tried everything, Sir. We browbeat and badgered him wit every question we could think of.”

“How did he respond?

He just dozed off and said now and then: “Yes, Dear. You are perfectly right.”


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Two prisoners were making their escape over the jailhouse roof when one of them dislodged a tile. “Who’s there shouted a guard. The first prisoner replied with a convincing imitation of a cat’s meow. Reassured, the guard when back to his rounds

But then the second prisoner dislodged another tile. The guard repeated, “Who’s there?”

“The other cat,” answered the prisoner.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?"

Joe says, "Yes I did."

"Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball."

"Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is," the cop says.
"Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Police officer: I'm sorry sir, but you will have to come with me.

Driver: Why?

Police officer: You were driving at 120 miles per hour!

Driver: But I have only been in my car for 15 minutes!



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


The policeman was interviewing the man whose store had jus been robbed.

“It’s bad,” said the owner, “but it’s not as bad as it would have been if he’d robbed me yesterday.”

“Why is that?” the policeman asked

“Because today everything was on sale.”




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio.

“I’m outside the Plaza Mall,” he reported. “A man has been robbed

I’ve got one them.”

“Which one?” asked the operator.

“The one that was robbed.”



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


One day there was this old man that was walking down the road. About a mile down the road he heard sirens and a police officer was behind him. So he stops and the cop gets out of his car and asked the man why he was walking with one foot on the curb and the man said, " O, thank God I thought I was cripple"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A man traveling over 125 miles per hour on the interstate was stopped by a highway patrol. “Sorry, officer,” said the driver, “was I driving too fast?

“No, sir.You were flying too low.”



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A Policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver; When I saw you driving down the road, I thought to myself, “sixty-five at least.”

The woman replied: I don’t think that is quite fair. I think this hat makes me look older.




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


The police officer: “You were exceeding the speed limit, ma’am, weren’t you?”

The driver: “Yes, I was, sir, but you see my brakes are so bad that I wanted to get home before I had an accident.”




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A man steals paintings from a museum and gets a few blocks away, runs out of gas and the cops catch him. When asked what happened he replied..."I didn’t have enough Monet to pay for Degas to make the Van Gogh!!!!




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A traffic cop pulled over a speeding motorist and asked, “Do you have any ID?”

The motorist replied, “About what?”




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A traffic cop pulled over a speeding motorist and asked, "Do you have any ID?"

The motorist replied, "About what?"




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


We've all been lost and depended on our wives to act as navigator.

Well, not long ago, Mrs. Jim Jr., her face buried in a map book, said "Turn here!" I did, and didn't notice the "No Left Turn" sign. Just my luck, a policeman was nearby and stopped me. I tried to explain that we were lost and I was following my wife's directions.

He issued me a ticket for "Driving Under the Influence of Wife."




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Three guys witness a murder; the only problem is they each say only one thing. The first guy says, "Mememememe." The second guy says, "Forks and knifes." And the third guy says, "Goody, goody gumdrops."
When the policeman gets there, he asks, "Who killed this man?" The first guy replies, "Memememememe." Then the policeman asks, "What did you kill him with?" The second guy replies, "Forks and knifes. Forks and knifes." Then the policeman says, "That's it! You're all going to jail." The third guy says, "Goody, goody gumdrops!"




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


In Australia, a race was proclaimed, with a huge payoff for the winner. The one stipulation was that only ostriches were allowed to run the race. A fellow decided to enter, but not having an ostrich, and hearing that the fastest ostrich in the world was the mascot of the local police department, he stole the bird and entered the race. As luck would have it, when the pistol shot went off to start the race, the ostrich buried its head in the sand and the fellow lost the race.

Moral: Never run afoul of the law!




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A policeman spots this Bloke walking up Royal Ave. pulling a 12 foot long rope and asks, “What do you think you are doing pulling this 12 long rope up Royal Ave.?”

The Bloke replied: “have you ever tried pushing it?”





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”

“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Thanks,
Billy





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Heaven is a place where the police are English; the chefs are Italian; the car mechanics are German; the lovers are French and it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is a place where the police are German; the chefs are English; the car mechanics are French; the lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A selection of quotes from "I miss Dan Quayle".

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
-- J. Danforth Quayle

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- J. Danforth Quayle

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other turns it into a water faucet.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A candidate for city council was doing some door-to-door campaigning, and things were going pretty well, he thought, till he came to the house of a grouchy-looking fellow. After the candidate’s little speech, the fellow said, “Vote for you? Why I’d rather vote for the Devil!”

“I understand,” said the candidate, “but in case your friend is not running, may I count on your support?”





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?"

He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Nominated for quote of the year is the statement made by Texas Congressman Dick Armey when asked: "If you had been in President Clinton's place, would you have resigned?"

Armey responded: "If I were in the President's place, I would not have gotten a chance to resign. I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, looking up and listening to Mrs. Armey saying, "How do I reload this damn thing?"





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, the center's director told him that he was an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."

"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politicians brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politicians brain? Why on earth is that?"

"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians we would have to kill?"





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


An airplane was once making a routine flight from Hackensack, New Jersey to New York City. The people on board where the world's smartest politician, the pilot (also a father), a Boy Scout, and a devout Christian. In mid-flight, the engine stalled, and there where only three para****es. The pilot said, " I've got a family down there. I need to live so I can take care of them" so he grabbed a para****e and jumped out. The world's smartest politician said, I've got an election coming up, so I'd better live so I can win it." So he grabbed a para****e and jumped out. That left the Boy Scout and the Christian in the plane and only 1 para****e. The Christian said, "I have lived a long life. I am prepared for. Go and grab that para****e for yourself." The Boy Scout got his para****e and was about to jump when he said, "Hey, there is one for you too. The world’s smartest politician grabbed my backpack




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Tony Blair and George W Bush had been sent to hell. The Devil had prepared two cells for them. Tony Blair walked into this dingy cold room that had rats running all over it. The Devil said, "Tony Blair, this is your eternal punishment!" George W Bush was not looking forward to his cell, so imagine his surprise when he entered a beautiful pink room with Pamela Anderson inside. The Devil announced, "Pamela Anderson, this is your eternal punishment!"




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for days with no food and little water. One day, just as they were finally about to give up, they crawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood a Cannibal's Restaurant. Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With the little energy they had left, they dragged themselves across the clearing and looked up to see the following menu:
Par boiled Priest $12.00
Roast Lion Hunter $14.00
Steamed Politician $198.50

They struggled in, dragged themselves to a table, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered, one of the explorers asked the waiter "Can you help me understand your menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the third item, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?"

"Are you kidding?" replied the waiter, "Did you ever try to clean one of those suckers?"





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What did the young Arnold Schwarzenegger state, when attending music school in Austria, after turning down the chance to become another Beethoven, Mozart or Chopin? What did he say?

"I'll be Bach."





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Christopher Columbus was the first ever-successful politician of the world because he didn’t know where he was going, he didn’t know where he was when he got there, and he did all of it only on borrowed money!





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


It seems there was an agreement between two of the top power nations at the height of the arms race which grew out of their concern of global annihilation. Both sides agreed on a final end-all battle which would be one gigantic mean dogfight. Each would get five years to prepare their top animals. The first one, the Ugonauts, took the biggest, meanest Rottweiler and Doberman females and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian Wolves money could buy. Then they selected only the biggest, meanest pups of the litter to rebreed, year after year. It finally came to the big day. The Hugonauts had to drag their entry in with huge heavy ropes, and no one could get near the cage. The Argonauts toted in the craziest crate -- it was low to the ground and eight feet long. When they opened it, people gasped! Out waddled the funniest looking eight feet long wiener dog anyone had ever seen. People felt sorry for the Argonauts, and the Hugos snickered in disbelief. The heavy door to the Hugo's terror was slowly pulled open and out jumped the most hideous monster of a dog there'd ever been, snarling and growling. Just as the monster pounced at the neck of the wiener dog to take him out, the wiener dog opened its mouth and swallowed the Hugo's dog whole! Everyone was in total disbelief! The Hugos said they just couldn't understand it! They'd spent years and years perfecting this animal, how could this be? The Argo's glibly replied, "That's nothing. We spent hundreds of thousands of dollars for the top plastic surgeons in the world to come here and make this alligator look like a wiener dog!" (Just goes to show ya, things aren't always what they look like!)





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Fidel Castro dies and goes up to heaven. He's standing at Heavens gate and St. Peter tells him it was because of what he did to his people, so he will be going to hell. When Fidel gets to hell he tells Satan he left his bags in heaven and needs to go get them.

Satan says "I'll get two of my demons to get them for you." The demons are in Heaven and they both are wondering where his bags are. One of the demons looks over the gates and they both start climbing the gates and an angel sees them and says " Great he's already sending refugees over."





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

"Ma!!!," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!!!"

"Honestly?", his mother replied.

The politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. What is the true definition of a diplomat?

A. It is a person who can tell someone else to go to hell in a way that the other person will thank him for it!





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


George Washington probably did not chop down his father's cherry tree. George Washington probably did not admit it by saying, “I cannot tell a lie!" But people often repeat this story because it shows Washington's honesty. One day, Little Suzy once asked her mother, "Mom, do people who never tell lies go to heaven?" "Yes", her mother answered, "they are the only ones." "Gosh, I bet it gets lonesome up there with just God and George Washington!” replied Little Suzy.




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Top 10 signs your presidential candidate is under-qualified
10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."
8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."
7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
….. and the Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified..
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


This Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can't find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office and tells the desk officer his problem.
The officer's a little puzzled. "Look, bud, I'm sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don't handle missing animal reports."
"Oh, I know that," says the guy. "I just wanted you to know, if you find my parrot -- I don't know where he could have picked up all his political ideas."




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards.

If you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." -- Ronald Reagan




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


This administration has conclusively discovered how to deal wit the deficit.

It’s a skill, which requires addition and distraction.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


When the maintenance men removed the 10 Commandments from the courthouse, nobody said anything - until the statue fell off the dolly and cracked a little. Everybody yelled, "Run!"




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


An American dignitary was visiting a village in a poor African nation. Not certain of his welcome, he made a speech full of glowing terms to the natives gathered there.
"I bring you warm greetings from the people of the United States!" he declared, which was duly translated by the interpreter.
"Kazanga!" cried the natives.
"We wish this beautiful country peace and prosperity!" he continued.
"Kazanga!" yelled the natives, even louder.
"We hope this will be the beginning of many years of mutual friendship and economic benefit to both nations!" he went on.
"Kazanga! Kazanga!" roared the natives.
Later, as the dignitary was being escorted around the village by the chief, he commented, "That seemed to go well. They really do like us Americans, don't they?"
"Uh, watch where you walk," said the chief; "don't step in the kazanga."




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. What is a conservative?

A. A conservative is an X-liberal that got mugged.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


America's First Law of Motion:

An object in motion tends to stay in motion, and an object tends to stay at rest, unless an external force acts upon the object.

Meaning

America tends to go its way unless acted upon by Osama.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


America's Second Law of Motion:

The acceleration of a body is proportional to the force applied on it.

Meaning

The number of sleeping pills an American takes is directly proportional to the number of video tapes Osama releases.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


America's Third Law of Motion:

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Meaning

For every death of an American, there is a death of an afghan.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Government Philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it 'till it is.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Question: What do you get when you play a country and western record backwards?

Answer: You get your dog back, your car back and your wife loves you again!





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the Rhode Island State house in Providence, one from Cranston, and another from North Kingstown and the third, Exeter. They go with a State house official to examine the fence.

The North Kingstown contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Exeter contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Cranston contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the State House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Cranston contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Exeter to fix the fence."





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: How many Stalinists would it have taken to change a light bulb during the first 5 year plan?

A: None, for if the light bulb needed changing then comrade Stalin -- the most wonderous man alive and the embodiment of all that we Marxist-Leninist-Stalinists hold dear and aspire to -- would have foreseen the fact that the light bulb needed changing and so organized the 5 year plan to replace the light bulb before it needed changing from the vast stock of light bulbs which the plan had produced -- stocks in excess of the amount originally planned, for the workers were inspired by their love of Stalin and the Socialist Motherland to work harder and produce more, using less!





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


“What do you think of Red China?” One woman asked another during a party on world affairs.

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the other woman. “I guess it would be all right if you use it on a white tablecloth.”




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” the man said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.” “That’s the same with us, the American said, “only we see stars, too.”



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Heaven is a place where:
The lovers are Italian
The cooks are French
The mechanics are German
The police are English, and
The government is run by the Swiss



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. They just declare darkness the standard



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December
As well as:
Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak
I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a globalproblem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think We ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Warning Signs of Insanity for Programmers.
1. You stay up all night coding only to realize that you haven't had any caffeine in about 6 hours.
2. You wonder why on earth anyone would make a programming language conform to such absolutely bizarre rules of grammar but in a strange way it actually begins to make sense.
3. You start dreaming in recursion (if you have any time to dream).
4. You realize not only is it daytime but your project is due in 2 hours, which isn't enough time to even begin running it.
5. You start customizing your environment because you want it "just right" (and because further work on the program is futile).
6. You wonder when the invasion will begin.
7. You understand #8.
8. You start signing your name in octal (or binary) just because.
9. You know more programming commands than actual words.
10. You realize that you have reached the end, and there is no closing command.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


How many software programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. "We'll document it in the manual."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: How come legacy programmers get Halloween and Christmas confused?

A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 (Octal 31 = Decimal 25)


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

472. One to write WinGetLight BulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLight Bulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Subject: Funnies
Things to make you stop and think

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


EVER WONDER
-
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
-
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
-
- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
-
- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
-
- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
-
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
-
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
-
- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
-
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
-
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
-
- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
-
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
-
- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
-
- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Never criticize someone unless you walk a mile in his or her shoes, and then when you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes!



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young: "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now—Let us spray!"



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A year ago, Hans Vonk conducted the St. Louis Symphony Orchestra in a production of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. During the final movement of Beethoven's Ninth, there is a large pause in the Orchestration where only the chorus sings.

Four bass players, feeling they could use this break to get out and stretch their legs, slipped off backstage and proceeded to go outside to smoke a cigarette and take a little nip from a bottle one of them was carrying.

Well, they lost track of time and became quite inebriated. Finally one of them says, "Say! We should really be getting back in... It's almost time to play our part."

"Don't worry," confided one of the other bassists with a wink. "I've fixed it so that we have a longer pause... I tied together the last parts of the conductor's score before our part begins!"

All the bass players had a good chuckle and took a few more swigs and headed in. Once they popped back on stage, they saw that conductor Vonk was absolutely furious. After all, it was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Did you hear about the cowboy who wore paper pants, a paper shirt, paper boots, and wore a paper hat?

The Sheriff arrested him for rustling.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store. When the store opened, a client comes in, and asks one of the clerics: are you the fish fryer? Oh, no, the cleric answers, I'm the chip monk!





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Two young skunks named -In-and-Out go out to play.
after a while Out got bored so he went in.
Mummy skunk said that tea was ready and sent Out, out to tell In to come in.
very quickly Out came in with In.

That was quick said mummy skunk how did you find In so fast?
Oh said Out that was easy. “IN STINKED.”






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


If quitters never win,
and winners never quit,

Who made up the saying?
Quit while you're ahead!







-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A man went into his dentist to see why his dentures kept decaying rapidly on him.

The dentist looked at his dentures and remarked, "This is very odd, they look like something's been eating them. Is there anything different that you've been eating lately?"

The man thought for a bit and said, "Well, my wife has been making a lot of eggs benedict recently with hollandaise sauce."

"Ah!" exclaimed the dentist, "That's it. I know just what you need. I'm going to order you some new dentures with plates made out of chrome."

"Chrome?" exclaimed the man incredulously, "Why Chrome?"

"Because, There's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise"

("There's no place like home for the holidays")







-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A young apprentice optometrist recently got careless and got his hand caught in the lens grinder. He wasn't seriously hurt, but he certainly made a spectacle of himself.







-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Two vultures decided to fly to Florida on an airline. They got on board carrying six dead raccoons, and the flight attendant said, “I’m sorry, but there’s a limit of two carrion per passenger.”







-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


There was a guy who had a job as a vacuum designer. One day, when he came to work, he told his coworker about how his girlfriend has dumped him. "This sucks!" he says. His coworker replies, "well, that's the general idea."







-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A court jester is thrown into jail for telling terrible jokes.
~What did he say after the guard locked him up?
O-PUN the door!







-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. What is it called when you dream in color?

A. A pigment of your imagination!







-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


An early morning storm produced a strong tornado, which damaged most of the roof of a Pasadena, Texas funeral home. Everyone there was scared stiff.







-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


You need two American coins to add up to .30 cents. One of them is not a nickel.

Q: What are the coins?

A: One of them is not a nickel, the other one is, a nickel and a quarter.








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


You need two American coins to add up to .30 cents. One of them is not a nickel.

A man was walking down the road with a bag of liverwurst under his arm. He came upon a young, very thin boy with a tern under his arm. The man asked "What are you doing with that bird under your arm?” The boy answered" I am very hungry and I want to eat this bird.” The man wanted to save the tern and at the same time ease the boy's hunger, so he traded the bag of liverwurst for the bird. In other words, he took a "TERN FOR THE WURST".








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


You need two American coins to add up to .30 cents. One of them is not a nickel.

Two men out fishing for carp. One fellow stands up and as he does, his wallet falls out of his pocket and slowly sinks in the lake. As he tries to retrieve it, two huge carp show up and start fighting over possession of the wallet. The fellow turns to his comrade and states "First time I've seen carp to carp walleting!"








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


There is a robbery at the cereal factory. The robber doesn't want any witnesses and there is only one man in the building so he decides to shoot him. The robber puts the gun up to the man's head and says, "Any last requests?" and the manager says, "Life."








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


I found out why there is so much LEAD PAINT in the toys that are made in China, The toy company told the Chinese company to paint all the toys RED, the Chinese interpreter told his people to paint all toys Led, since they can't pronounce the letter "R" very well, all the toys were painted with LEAD PAINT.








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What do you call stinky noodles?

Fedit-cheeni








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Things To Do In An Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"









-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent ...

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent ...

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?

A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent ...

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent ...

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent ...

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: By whose death was it terminated?






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent ...

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent ...

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent ...

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent ...

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent ...

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


There is a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Some of these are excellent ...

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Twenty Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters I

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come.
When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers.
Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room.
When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your
head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters II

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. What do Fred Flintstone and Osama Bin Laden have in common?

A. They both look out their caves and see rubble.
.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: Because, of the sign!

Teacher: What sign?

Student: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What did the mayo say when someone opened the refrigerator door?
"Close the door, I'm dressing!"

Student: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Lady:( (standing in the middle of a busy street) Officer, can you tell me how to get to the Hospital?

Officer: Just stand where you are!!!


.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. Why did Mrs. Smokey the Bear divorce Smokey the Bear?

A. Because every time she got hot, he'd beat her with a shovel!


.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What's the good thing about having Altzeimer's?

You get to meet new people every day!


.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. What did one strawberry say to the other?


A. "If you weren't so fresh last night, we wouldn't be in this jam together!"


.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A. A walkie-talkie!



.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: How many Iraqis does it take to launch a Scud missile?

A: Two. One to launch it, and one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.



.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car...

Who is driving the car?

A police officer!



.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it?

The horses name is Friday




.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: What did the first stoplight say to the second stoplight?

A: Don’t look I’m changing!!




.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Teacher: “why are you always late for school?”

Student: “ because you always ring the bell before I get here!





.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. What did the digital clock say to the analog clock?

A. Look, No hands!





.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


There was a race between some lettuce, a tomato and a faucet.

How did it turn out? Well the lettuce won by a head, the faucet was running, and the tomato tried to ketchup.




.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: What did the football say to the football player?

A: I get a kick out of you.




.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: Which two words have the most letters in them?

A: Post office.




.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?

A: Stay up all night and wonder if there's a DOG.




.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


1. Why are round pizzas put in square boxes?

2. If a deaf person must appear in court is it still called a hearing?

3. Why does the sign read, “Enter at your own risk" who else could you risk other than yourself?

4. If it's called "frying pan" is it OK to boil something in it?

5. Why doesn't every doughnut have nuts in it?




.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: Why did Mr. Stupid tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A: He didn't want to wake up the sleeping pills!!

.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Do you know why Noah didn’t fish very often?

He only had two worms.


.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?

A: To win the no-bell prize.

.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Did you hear about the accountant with insomnia? He decided to try counting sheep, but he made a mistake and was up all night trying to find it!

.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies

What's a haunted chicken?

A poultry-geist.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies

Why did the monster eat a light bulb?

Because he was in need of a light snack.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies

Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?-

Have you ever tried to iron a monster?





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies

What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?

Boo boos.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?

Because of his coffin.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?

A. When it’s time to g back to their childhood, they ‘re already there.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?

A: They're married.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: Why couldn't the animals on Noah's Ark play cards?

A: Because Noah was standing on the deck!





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Why does Ms. Mushroom go out with Mr. Mushroom?

A: Because he is a fungi (fun guy).





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine?

A: It depends on the age.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


You must think with a clean mind: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, a dog does with his leg lifted?


Why shake hands...





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies I

Why do mummies make excellent spies?

They're good at keeping things under wraps.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies I

Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?

They're afraid of flying off the handle!






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies I

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

No body






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies I

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?

Bone appetit !






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies I


Where do baby ghosts go during the day?

Dayscare centers





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies I


Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?

His ghoul friend.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


The oldest joke in the book, but oh well!

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?

A: Because 7 8 9 (Seven Ate Nine, get it?)





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: Why did the guy get fired from the orange juice factory?

A: He couldn't concentrate.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.





Man Quits Smoking Because Of Will Power. He Quits Drinking Because Of Will Power. But He Quits Womanizing Because He Has The Will But No Power.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


So the bus driver said to the string, "Are you a string?" and the string said, "No, I'm afraid not". (A frayed knot).





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls (bagels, get it?).





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. Why was the fly dancing on the jam jar?


A. Because on the lid it said, "Twist to open".




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure?

Doctor: Yes, that is true.

P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure?

D: Yes, that is also true.

P: So, in average, I live normally.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: What did the traffic light say to the car?

A: Don't look I'm changing!






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Do you know why electricians are some of the smartest people?

They always keep up with current events.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window?

"Looks like rein dear"






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: How do Eskimos have babies?

A: They keep on rubbing their noses together until the little boogers come out.







-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the light bulb has got to want to change.







-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


If a fellow met a fellow in a field of flowers...........
How many "f's" in that?
None.
There are no "F's" in the word: That.







-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: Why do shoemakers go to heaven?

A: Because they have good soles.









-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: Why do bikes have kick-stands?

A: Because they're two-tired.









-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Did you hear about the calendar thief?

He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!










-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: Why did the maniac burn his jacket?

A: ‘Cause he wanted a blazer.










-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. What word does heavenly angels use most often to greet each other?

A. Halo!










-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


How come the pony couldn't speak?

Because, he was a little horse.










-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed-wire fence?

A: An "udder" disaster!










-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: Why did the man think that the moon was poor?

A: It was down to its last quarter!










-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: What did the hat say to the necktie?

A: You go on ahead, I'll hang around!"











-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


How does the man on the moon get his hair cut?

“ Eclipse it.”











-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What is worse than a giraffe with a sore neck?

A centipede with athlete's foot.











-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Where did the kittens go on their class trip?


To a mewseum.










-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: "Why couldn't the Indian get into his tee pee?

A: He had no reservations










-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. What did Snow white say when her photos didn't come back from the photo store?

A. "Some day my prints will come!"









-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. What does a cow make when the sun comes out?

A. A shadow








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. What's te definition of a bachelor pad?


A. All the house plants are dead, but there's something growing in the refrigerator.








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.



Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: That is a military secret. If I told you I would have to kill you.











-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.








-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. What did the cork say to the bottle?

A. “If you don’t behave I’ll plug you.”







-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: Why did the cook get fired from his job?

A: Because he beat the eggs and whipped the cream.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: Why did the haunted house not like rain?

A: Because it dampened his spirits.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q what do you call a fish with two knees

A: A two knee fish! (tuna)





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Why did 18 Antartians go to the Movie?

Simple, under 18 were not allowed to watch the movie.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. When is a doll not a doll?

A. When it's a doll-ar!






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q.Why can’t you take a turkey to church????

A.Because he uses FOWL language!!!!





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A Variation :-

Q.Why was the turkey fined in the Court of Law????

A.Because he used FOWL language!!!!





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: What do you call a mushroom that brings all the beer to your party?

A. A fungi (fun guy).





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


I have Two Sisters, One Disappears Another Appears, Why ?

One Is Named Maya, meaning Disappear or Illusion And The Second Is Named Roopa, Meaning to Form.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. What do witches put on their hair when they are going out????

A. Scare-spray





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: What insect is the worst at playing football?

A: A fumble bee




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat?

Mom ! I see an angel.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: Under law, what is the maximum penalty for bigamy?

A: Two mothers-in-law.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: How many animals were on Moses ark?

A: The ark wasn't Moses’ it was Noah.






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: What is sure confidence?

A: Solving crossword puzzles with a fountain pen.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: Have you noticed that cars in England have the steering wheels on the wrong side of the car?

A: No. They’re on the right side of the car






-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: What is a bus ?

A: A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q. What did the salt say to the pepper?

A. Hey Baby, what's SHAKING!




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: What did the spider say to the beetle?

A: “Stop bugging me.”




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies V


What kind of cereal do monsters eat?-

Ghost-Toasties




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies V


Mommy, mommy, teacher keeps saying I look like a werewolf.-

Be quiet, dear, and go and comb your face




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies V


What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?-

They boo-kle their seatbelts




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies V


What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?-

Count Duckula




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies V


What game do little cannibals like to play at parties?-

Swallow the leader




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies V


Why are monsters huge and hairy and ugly?-

Because if they were small and round and smooth they'd be M&M's




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies V


What kind of monster is safe to put in the washing machine?-

A wash and wear wolf




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies IV



What's pink and gray and wrinkly and old and belongs to Grandpa monster?


- Grandma monster




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies IV



Why did the monster eat a light bulb?-

Because he was in need of a light snack




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies IV



Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?-

Have you ever tried to iron a monster?




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies IV


What kind of mistakes do spooks make?-

Boo boos




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies IV


Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?

Because of his coffin




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies IV


Why do mummies make excellent spies?-

They're good at keeping things under wraps




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies IV


Is a technique for distributing all the junk in your garage among all the other garages in the neighborhood.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: What did the invisible man say to his girl friend?

A: “Baby, you are outta sight!”



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse?

The Codfather.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What did the mummy sardine say to her children when they saw a submarine?

Don't worry, it's only a tin of people..




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: Why did the man fall off the building?

A: He tripped.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: What happens to a person when they're lost in a cornfield?

A: They get cornfused.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Why do birds fly south?

Because it's too far to walk.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: What Did The Big Wall Tell The Adjacent Little Wall ?

A: Let Us Meet In A Corner.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What do you get when a cow goes to the Beach with tanning oil?

Pre-tanned leather.





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello



They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Halloween Funnies II

What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?

Benjamin Frankenstein





-- > Man