Laughter the best medicine

[Man]

Laughs


Hello


The punishments in hell --> A man dies, and he is looking in the gates of hell. There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, "Well, Jack has done some bad things in his life and that is his punishment." The man looks around a little more and sees Bill Clinton with a beautiful model. The stunned guy asks "What is Bill Clinton doing with that model?" The devil replied, "Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life."

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

Question answer --> Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats? They might be cheetahs! Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player Fan: Why is that? Manager: Every time he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him! Why do artists never when they play football? They keep drawing!

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs


Hello

The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site - 9. I O C members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street Y M C A pool. 8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's office are named either Ingrid or Sven. 7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell. 6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition would not think the term "New York City Hospitality Committee" is an oxy moron. 5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranch’s. 4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: "My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition." 3. "Miss Salt Lake" for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech. 2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles. And the Number 1 Sign Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site ... 1. The I O C suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties. This list is copyrighted by --> Chris White.

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs --> Credits Email Cash Magazine

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Golf by Stazmo

I'm sure we can all relate to this...

It was a sunny Saturday morning on the first hole of a busy course and my brother was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualising his upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker. "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"

My brother could feel every eye on the course looking at him. He was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMAN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee".

My brother simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE, PLEASE!!!"

My brother finally stopped, turned, looked through the club house window directly at the person with the microphone, cupped his hands and shouted back, "WOULD THE PUSHY ANNOUNCER IN THE CLUB HOUSE KINDLY LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!!!"

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs --> Credits --> BigPhill, EmailCash E-Magazine


Hello

Dead Parrot by BigPhill

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something?" The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with a beautiful black labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet took the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat! The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably... dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but... what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan..."

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

The Judge was in a merry mood on a Christmas Eve as he asked the accused /prisoner, "What are you charged with ? "Doing my Christmas Shopping Early." thus replied the Accused. "That is not an offence ." said the Judge. And Further Asked the Judge of the Accused, "How Early were you Shopping ?" "Before the Store opened". responded the accused.

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs


Hello

My Laptop was driving me crazy, " A, E, And I keys always get stuck," I complained to a friend. She quickly diagnosed the problem. "Your computer is suffering from irritatable vowel synodrome." --> From Angie Bulakites

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

A Marine Biologist was telling his friends about his recent research findings. " Some Whales can Communicate at a distance of five hundred kilometers," he said. What would the Whale say to another from five hundred kilometers away ?" asked his sarcastic friend. The Biologist Expert Responded thus, " I am not absolutely Sure, but it sounds something like 'Can you hear me now?'"

--> Man

[Man]

One Liners Smile Please


Hello

Sign board --> In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."


Brand new golf balls are water - magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water

--> Man .

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

George Bush And Abdul Kalam --> While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround him with intelligent people. Bush asks how he knows if they are intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate." Bush watches as Kalam telephones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Manmohan immediately responds, "It is me, Sir!" "Correct. Thank you and good - bye, sir," says Kalam. He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I will definitely be using that !" Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he would better put Condoleezza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the White House and says, Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What is on your mind ?" Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it ?" Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem. "Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course." Much relieved Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It is our Colin Powell !!!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, it is Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh!"

--> Man

[Man]

Each Engineer Percieves Things In His Expert Field

Hello

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. All of a sudden, the car broke down. The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke." The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I do not think it is getting gas." The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system." All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?" The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."

--> Man

[Man]

Hello


THE COOKIE THIEF --> A woman was waiting at an airport one night, With several long hours before her flight. She hunted for a book in the airport shop, Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop. She was engrossed in her book but happened to see,That the man beside her, as bold as could be, Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between, Which she tried to ignore, to avoid a scene. She read, she munched cookies, and watched the Clock. As the gusty “cookie thief” diminished her stock She was getting more irritated as the minutes Ticked by Thinking, “if I was not so nice, I’ would blacken his eye!” With each cookie she took, he took one too. When only one was left, she wondered what he woul’d do With a smile on his face and a nervous laugh, He took the last cookie and broke it in half. He offered her half, as he ate the other. She snatched it from him and thought, “Oh brother, This guy has some nerve, and he is also rude, Why, he did not even show any gratitude! ”She had never known when she had been so galled,And sighed with relief when her flight was called. She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate, Refusing to look back at the “thieving ingrate.” She boarded the plane and sank in her seat, Then sought her book, which was almost complete. As she reached her baggage, she gasped with surprise. There was her bag of cookies in front of her eyes! “If mine are here,” she moaned with despair,
“Then the others were his and he tried to share! ” Too late to apologize, she realized with grief, That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief. ----

VALERIE COX

--> Man

[Man]

Hello

Excess billing hours --> A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special? St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"


--> Man

[Man]

Childhood Sweethearts --> Laughs

Hello

A Couple Celebrating fiftieth wedding anniversary strolled down to their old school and found the desk they had shared and on that he had carved out words, " Sally, I love you." On their way back home a bag containing money fell out of a passing armoured car. They found $50,000 in that bag. He Said "We must return the money. No, Said Sally, Finders Keepers was her view. Later That day Police visit them and ask regarding the missing bag with money. Sally Says No She does not know anything, and He Said, She was Lying, and she had hid it in the attic. Sally said that he was getting old and senile, And One Officer asked him to tell every thing. Once He began with, " Sally and I were returning from School ... :) .. The Officer Saids to his Partner " Come On, Let Us Go --- We Are Wasting Our Time Here. --> Bill Cathcart

--> Man

[Man]

Self Help --> Laughs

Hello

Did you hear about the Man who went into a book shop and asked the sales assistant, as to where the self help section was; She refused to tell him where it was as it would be defeating the Very Purpose. !!! --> Simon Finkelstein

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs



Were you drinking? --> A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I could not help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
--> Man

[Man]

Laughs


Avoiding a big object --> Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I am sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

A golf club visits a local bar --> A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refuses to serve him. "Why not,” asks the golf club. ”You will be driving later," replies the bartender.


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Crocodile is longer --> Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide. Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green. Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let us look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide. From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs --> Keep Fit Airline Way

Hello

Boarding from what gate? --> At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs


Hello

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question? Johnny: It is because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it is gone

--> Man.

[Man]

Laughs --> Where Do The Lawyers Actually End Up?


Hello

Sue over the property  Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are separated by a big chain - link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence ... but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before. "Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!" "Yeah? What if I do not?" replied the devil.” I will sue you if I have to," answered God. "Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs --> Hen Pecked ?

Hello

Is the wife in control? --> Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter." Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line? The man said, "I do not know. My wife told me to stand here."


--> Man

[Man]

Business --> Laughs


Hello

One - liner about business--> Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (

2) Gardens are for plants to live in.

(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.


--> Man

[Man]

Golf Laughs

Hello

The laws of golf --> LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

--> Man

[Man]

Weighty Problem



Hello


I am gaining weight doctor --> Trish: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor; Doctor: You should diet Trish: Really? What colour?

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs


Story about infinity --> A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels were across the street from each other and were owned by brothers. One evening, while everyone was out at a bar –b - que, one of the hotels burned to the ground. The brothers got together and worked out a plan. In the remaining hotel, they moved all guests to twice their room number -- room 101 moved to 202, room 1234 moved to room 2468, etc. Then all the odd number rooms were empty, and there were an infinite number of odd rooms. So the guests from the other hotel moved into them.

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

A contest and a bird --> Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So ... the one flies over and the other one swims through - which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim." There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did

--> Man.

[Man]

Laughs

The Christmas airport --> It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." "Ok, I see that it is above the luggage scale which is the place you would have to step forward for a kiss." "That is not why it is there." "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It is there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

--> Man

[Man]

Diet Laughs


Hello

Thin People Do not --> By Barbara Florio Graham - From McCall's, June, 1983  I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I have found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I have found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people: avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy; split a large combination pizza with three friends; think Oreo cookies are for kids nibble cashews one at a time; think that dough nuts are indigestible; read books they have to hold with both hands; become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch; fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips; counteract the mid afternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish; exchange the deep - fryer they received for Christmas for a clock - radio; lose their appetites when they are depressed; think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids; save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make interesting soups; throw out stale potato chips; will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a special store; think it is too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate; do not celebrate with a hot - fudge sundae every time they lose a pound; warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped cream; try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert; find iced tea more refreshing than an ice - cream soda; get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never quite work their way over to the hors -d'oeuvre table; have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly beans to an equal number of each color; think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert; bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box; think banana splits are for kids. !

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

Eating the piece of fruit --> Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I would not eat that if I were you." "Why not?" "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs


Hello

The office happenings --> Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done" .Quote from the Boss ... "I did not say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired." My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory My Boss said to me “What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier. My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him. He is given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE. Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it. Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I am sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!" HR Manager to job candidate "I see you have had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you are under - qualified for our entry level positions." Quote from telephone inquiry "We are only hiring one summer intern this year and we w ill not start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes. !

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

Lawyers get robbed --> Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer number one replies, "it is that $50 I owe you."

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

Helping out the knight --> Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards. After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts 'A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!" .The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, "Your pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses". Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says "But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may acquire alternative transportation?" .The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?" Sir Edgbert is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal". The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She disappears inside and returns leading and enormous dogs which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. It's coat is threadbare, it's legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing laboriously Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, "Surely, you would not send a knight out on a dog like this?"

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You have graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we would hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we are afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I am sorry .... we cannot hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I will stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that is all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I am a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well - dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high - powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I have not got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Do not be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.” If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you have got a good appetite because the electricity was cut off this morning."

--> Man

[Man]

E - Laughs

Hello


<<< Automatic e-mail reply messages --> 1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.2.I am not really out of the office. I am just ignoring you.3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you would not have received anything at all.4. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.5. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.6. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 7. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. 8. I am on holiday. Your e - mail has been deleted. 9. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.10. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

>-> A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I am going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly. "This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it is excited (pause) ..." Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

A horse breeder story  This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become a real night mare.

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs


Hello

One Transport Minister paid a visit to a prestigious Car manufacturing unit. After showing him around the Car Chief, in a magnanimous gesture gifted a car to The Minister. The Minister refused to accept the gift and told the Chief that he never took accepted any thing free. So the Car Chief told him to pay a token of Rupees Five Hundred. The Minister quickly responded with taking Two Five Hundred Rupee Notes and said, “give me two” !!!

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

Judge : What offence has this man committed ? Lawyer: No, nothing, Man has not committed any offence, your honour, this man was walking on the street when the murder took place. He is the Eye Witness. Judge : Where is the murderer ? Lawyer : Day before yesterday he was let out on bail.

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs


Hello

Poor Man : God, for you thousand years is equal to one minute, is that so? God : Yes. Poor Man : To You, God, Thousand Crore Rupees is equal to one rupee, Right? God : Yes. Poor Man : In that case, in your view / account give me one rupee. God : Granted, but wait a minute.

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs



Hello

Tom : Yesterday I fell from the 20 feet long ladder. Ron : Is that so? Did you get hurt? Tom : Oh, nothing untoward happened, I fell from the first step.

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs


Hello

Notice in front of a Psychiatrist Clinic : “ Amnesia/ Forgetful patients, please pay the fees in advance.” !!!


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs



Hello

The whole world could be happy --> Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success stories about taxing Americans. Bill: "Why do I not throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy." Hillary: "Well, why do you not throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten people happy." Al: "Why do you not two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy." Tipper: "Why do we not all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the United States and world happy."

--> Man

[Man]

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A pirate at the local bar discusses his past --> A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"

--> Man

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It was the night before crisis --> It was the night before crisis, And all through the house, Not a program was working, Not even a browse. Programmers were wrung out, too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cut over had not a prayer. The users were nestled All snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries Danced in their heads. When out in the lobby There arose such a clatter, that I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering Eyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, Oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, His programs they came and he whistled and shouted and called them by name. On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over; His fingers were lean, from weekends and nights spent in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, And a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work, Turning specs into code, Then he turned with a jerk .And laying his fingers Upon the Enter key, The system came up, And worked perfectly! The updates updated; The deletes they deleted; The inquiries inquired; And the closing completed. He tested each whistle, He tested each bell, with nary and a bend, and all had gone well. The system was finished, the tests were concluded, and the client's last changes were even included! And the client exclaimed, with a snarl and a taunt, "It is just what I asked for, but it is not what I want!"

--> Man

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Improving fry cooking time --> In January 1994, 'The Economist' magazine reported that one of Secretary of Energy Hazel O'Leary's success stories about government research scientists hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National Laboratory's helping McDonald's to find a way to speed up French frying. A team headed by physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on advanced photons, placed sensors inside the frozen fries and was able to design special frying baskets to deal with the effect of steam created by melting ice crystals and to cut 30 to 40 seconds off each batch's frying time.

--> Man

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Some last minute requests --> A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, "Give it to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night. The man then said, "Call for my lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought I would check out the same way."

--> Man

[Man]

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Jewish anthropologist --> A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

--> Man

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A man and his wife --> Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my joules!" "Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux a moment. Perhaps they are mislead." "No, I know they are stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them in my burette ... We must call a copper." Erlenmeyer did so, and the flat foot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name of Lawrence Ium. "We must be careful – he is a free radical, ultraviolet, and dangerous. His girlfriend is chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"

--> Man

[Man]

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Snake solves problem --> I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine. What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

--> Man

[Man]

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Software development cycle --> 1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug - free.2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 are not really bugs.4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes did not work and discovers 15 new bugs.5.Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly - optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.7. Users find 137 new bugs.8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.9. Newly - assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduces 456 new ones.10. Original programmer sends under paid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug - free.

--> Man

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Educators and Teachers by Clifford
According to a recent news report, a certain private school in Victoria was facing a unique problem.

A number of Year 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Each night the cleaners would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something needed to be done about this. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the cleaner.

The principal explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the cleaners each night. To show how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the cleaner to demonstrate.

The cleaner took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and then proceeded to clean the mirrors with it. Since then there have been no more lip prints on the mirror.


--> Man

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The Kid by Nancy
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more, the frustrated boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "Me."

--> Man

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Lawyer joke by DRACOS

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked for advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"

"Just send them an account for such advice," replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.

--> Man

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Seeing Double by Rocky

Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."


--> Man

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Secrets of long life by evilfairy
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six!" he said.

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And In A Year I'll Be Five by disciple

A man escaped from jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.

"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."


--> Man

[Man]

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

The truck and the tollbooth by bingomaster
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, the rig plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."


--> Man

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The truck and the tollbooth by bingomaster
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, the rig plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."



--> Man

[Man]

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Ask A Police Officer... by larysa
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a police officer?"

"Yes," I answered, and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

--> Man

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Visiting grandma by me mum
A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?" the grandson asked.

"You're coming empty handed?"


--> Man

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Pay as you Play by Krishna

A cricketer bought a bat on hire purchase. Several weeks later, the owner called him.

"Now listen here," said the owner, "you're eight installments behind on your payments."

"Well," said the batsman, "you advertise Pay as you Play, don't you?"

"So?" retorted the owner.

"I play very badly!" the cricketer promptly replied.

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Bored at Work by Core

Five ways to tell if you are bored at work

1. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

2. You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

3. People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

4. You're no longer content with merely photocopying your hand, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.

5. The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements

--> Man

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De Idiot Brother by Rudi

A pregnant lady is involved in a car accident. She is in a coma for nearly six months. She wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother - he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother after all. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "DeNephew."

--> Man

[Man]

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Girl And Boy Kittens by Tntcomputers

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

"How did you know?" His mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

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[Man]

Laughs

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The teacher asked, " Can you give me a good example of how heat expands things and cold contracts them?"
"Well," one alert pupil answered, "the days are much longer in summer.''


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Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

The kindergarten teacher was standing outside her room as the children entered one morning. Along came little David, deliberately winking his left eye.
"Why, David," said the teacher, "are you winking at me?"

"No, just got my turn signal on," David replied, making a neat left turn into his room.

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[Man]

Laughs

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The absent-minded professor paused to chat awhile with one of his students, then asked, "Which way was I going when I stopped to talk to you?''
"That way,'' the student pointed.
''Good,'' said the professor, ''then I've had my lunch."


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Laughs

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1960s ARITHMETIC TEST: "A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of that amount. What is his profit?"
‘70s new-math test: "A logger exchanges a set (L) of lumber for a set (M) of money. The cardinality of Set M is 100. The Set C of production costs contains 20 fewer points. What cardinality of Set P of profits?"
‘80s "dumb down" version: "A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost is $80, his profit is $20. Find and circle the number 20."
‘90s version: "An unenlightened logger cuts down a beautiful stand of 100 trees in order to make a $20 profit. Write an essay explaining how you feel about this as a way to make money. Topic for discussion: How did the forests and squirrels feel?"


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Teacher: When you yawn, your supposed to put your hand to your mouth!

Pupil: What ?, and get bitten!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?

Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Why were you late?

Sorry, teacher, I overslept.

You mean you need to sleep at home too!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.

Class: Hooray

Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!


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[Man]

Laughs

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Son: I can't go to school today.

Father: Why not?

Son: I don't feel well

Teacher: Where don't you feel well?

Son: In school!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you?

Pupil: Not very much!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Father: I hear you skipped school to play football

Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.

School Secretary: Who is this?

Pupil: This is my father speaking!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Father: How do you like going to school?

Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen

on the time in-between!


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Teacher: You copies from Fred's exam paper didn't you?

Pupil: How did you know?

Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me, neither"!


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.

So what's so great about that?

It's snowing outside!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Q: What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?

A: Lots of blood tests!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: What kinds of tests do they give witches?

A: Hex-aminations!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Father: What did the teacher think of your idea

Son: She took it like a lamb

Teacher: Really ?, what did she say?

Son: Baa!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Father: How were the exam questions?

Son: Easy

Father: Then why look so unhappy?

Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.
A Variant of the previous joke .

Father: How did you exams go?

Son: I got nearly 100 in every subject

Father: What do you mean, nearly 100?

Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

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Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test

Class Teacher : That's Right, I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!


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Laughs

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Father: Why did you get such a low score in that test?

Son: Absence

Father: You were absent on the day of the test?

Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: What's the moral of the story about Jonah and the whale?

A: You can't keep a good man down!


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: Who designed Noah's ark?

A: An ark-itect!


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: What was the greatest accomplishment of the early Romans?

A: Speaking Latin!


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?

A: He wanted Mark Antony!


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America?

A: On their feet ! ! !


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: Why does history keep repeating itself?

A: Because we weren't listening the first time!


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: Who succeeded the first President of the USA?

A: The second one!


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: If Atlas supported the world on his shoulders, who supported Atlas?

A: His wife!


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: What did Noah do while spending time on the ark?

A: Went Fishing, But He Didn't Catch Much. He Only Had Two Worms!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: Why did Eve want to move to New York?

A: She fell for the Big Apple!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year?

Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!


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[Man]

Laughs

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Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week, what have you got to say about that?

Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday!

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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Teacher: Didn't you hear me call you?

Pupil: But you said not to answer you back!

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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions?

Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Teacher: What came after the stone age and the bronze age?

Pupil: The sausage!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow?

Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Teacher: Your new here aren't you, what's your name?

Pupil: Fred Mickey Smith

Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith then.

Pupil: My dad won't like that.

Teacher: Why is that?

Pupil: He doesn't like people taking the Mickey out of my name!


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?

A: Because his class was so bright!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Teacher: What family does the octopus belong to?

Pupil: Nobody I know Of!



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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: Are you in the top half of your class?

A: No, I'm one of the students who make the top half possible!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Art Teacher: The picture of the horse is good, but where is the wagon?

Pupil: The horse will draw it!


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Teacher: Why are you picking your nose in class?

Pupil: My mother won't let me do it at home!

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."


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Laughs

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Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

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[Man]

Laughs

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"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"

"I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"

The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."


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[Man]

Laughs

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They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

In a job interview for policemen the applicants are shown a profile picture of a man, and the interviewer says, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about this man."

The first applicant enters and says, "This man has just one ear."
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer.

The second applicant enters and says, "This man has one ear."
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer again.

Then the third applicant gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, "The guy that's giving the interview doesn't like to hear that the man in the picture has one ear."
"Thanks for the tip" says the third applicant.

So the third applicant enters, stares at the picture for a while and finally he says, "This man wears contact lenses."

The interviewer is impressed and says, "Excellent observation. Tell me, how could you tell?"

So the guy says, "Well, this man has just one ear, how could he wear glasses?"



--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

When you hire people that are smarter than you are, you prove you are smarter than they are.

R.H. Grant

--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"



--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."


--> Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

Q: How has French revolution affected world economic growth?

A: Too early to say.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

Q: Why does Treasury only have 10 minutes for morning tea ?

A: If they had any longer, they would need to re-train all the economists.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello
Q: Did you hear of the economist who dove into his swimming pool and broke his neck?

A: He forgot to seasonally adjust his pool.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

Q: Why did the market economist cross the road?

A: To reach the consensus forecast.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand. Bentley's second Law of Economics: The only thing more dangerous than an economist is an amateur economist!

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Berta's Fundamental Law of Economic Rents.. "The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist."

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

An economic forecaster was known to have an horseshoe prominently displayed above the door frame of his office. Asked what it was for, he replied that it was a good luck charm that helped his forecasts. But do you believe in that superstition? he was asked, and he said, "Of course not!" But then why do you keep it? "Well," he said, "it works whether you believe in it or not."





-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A mathematical economist came sailing by on an ice boat, and pulled to the shore beside the surf-fishing economist to scoff. "You'll never catch any fish that way," said the mathematical economist. "Jump on my ice-boat and we'll go trawling."

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.
Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The second econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The third econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A civil engineer, a chemist and an economist are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says. The civil engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed. In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the engineer, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal." The chemist says that, OK, he'll sleep in the barn. The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It's the chemist who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal." So the economist is sent to the barn. It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep. But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig!

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A wealthy labor economist had an urge to have grandchildren. He had two daughters and two sons and none of them had gratified his desire for a grandchild. At the annual family gathering on Thanksgiving Day, he chided them gently to bless his old age with their progeny. "But I haven't given up hope," he said, "Yesterday I went to the bank and set up a one hundred thousand dollar trust fund to be given to the first grandchild that I have. Now we will all bow our heads while I say a prayer of thanks." When he looked up, he and his wife were the only ones at the table.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

It's not easy being an economist. How would you like to go through life pretending you knew what M1 was all about?



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

An economist is someone who doesn't know what he's talking about - and make you feel it's your fault.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

The definition of "waste": a busload of economists plunging over a precipice with three of the seats unoccupied.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live. The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota. The woman asks: will this cure my illness? Answer of the doctor: No, but the half year will seem pretty long.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

An economist is someone who gets rich explaining others why they are poor.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

"I'm thinking of leaving my husband," complained the economist's wife.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

"All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Tariff -- A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the domestic producer against the greed of his consumer

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Economy -- Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

"I'm a walking economy," a man was overheard to say.
"My hairline's in recession, my waist is a victim of inflation, and together they're putting me in a deep depression."

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: Why is advice so cheap?

A: Because supply always exceeds demand.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

We have 2 classes of forecasters: Those who don't know . . . and those who don't know they don't know.

- John Kenneth Galbraith


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: Why did God create economists?

A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

An Economist is someone who didn't have enough personality to become an accountant.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

The First Law of Economists: For every economist, there exists an equal and opposite economist.

The Second Law of Economists: They're both wrong.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would have already done it.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to assume the existence of ladders.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

A2: None. If it really needed changing, market forces would have caused it to happen.

A3: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: How many B-school doctoral students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I'm writing my dissertation on that topic; I should have an answer for you in about 5 years.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

I know that economics is ruling my life when - I tried to calculate my 3 year old son's discount rate by seeing how many sweets he would require to be promised to him after dinner to be equivalent to one sweet before dinner - I spent one hour in a toy shop making up over 20 bundles of toys that could be purchased for $25 and then asked my son to select one of these bundles


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Bill and Boris are taking a break from a long summit, Boris says to Bill, -Bill, you know, I have a big problem I don't know what to do about. I have a hundred bodyguards and one of them is a traitor. I don't know which one. -Not a big deal Boris, I'm stuck with a hundred economists I have to listen to all the time before any policy decision, and only one tells the truth but it's never the same one.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Two economists are walking down the street. One sees a dollar lying on the sidewalk, and says so.

"Obviously not," says the other. "If there were, someone would have picked it up!"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A traveller wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialised in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read:
Artists' Brains $9/lb Philosophers' Brains $12/lb Scientists' Brains $15/lb Economists' Brains $19/lb

Upon reading the sign, the traveller noted, "My those economists' brains must be popular!" To which the butcher replied, "Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many economists you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"

HA! ... It's a *supply side* joke!



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The boy said, "Look, I'm an economist. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting. As with all government travelers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle. They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep. After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time an economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Economitrician & Astrologer

An econometrician and an astrologer are arguing about their subjects. The astrologer says, "Astrology is more scientific. My predictions come out right half the time. Yours can't even reach that proportion". The econometrician replies, "That's because of external shocks. Stars don't have those".



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.
An economist returns to visit his old school. He's interested in the current exam questions and asks his old professor to show some. To his surprise they are exactly the same ones to which he had answered 10 years ago! When he asks about this the professor answers: "the questions are always the same - only the answers change!"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

An elderly economics professor is standing at the shallow end of the campus pool. A Coed is standing at the deep end taking pictures. She suddenly drops the camera into the pool. Then she motions for the professor to come to her. He goes and she asks him to retrieve the camera. He agrees and dives in and retrieve its.
Upon returning he says to her, "Why did you ask me to retrieve the camera when there were many younger and more athletic males closer to her?" She replied, "Professor you seem to forget that I'm in your Econ I class, and I don't know anyone who can go down deeper, stay down longer and come up drier than you."


When drawing up the guest list for a dinner party, inviting more than 25% economists ruins the conversation.

Economics is the painful elaboration of the obvious.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"

"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.
The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

TOP 10 REASONS TO STUDY ECONOMICS
1. Economists are armed and dangerous:
"Watch out for our invisible hands."

2. Economists can supply it on demand.

3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.

4. You get to say "trickle down" with a straight face.

5. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.

6. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.

7. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".

8. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.

9. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.

10. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Economists

ECONOMISTS do it at bliss point
ECONOMISTS do it cyclically

ECONOMISTS do it in an Edgeworth Box

ECONOMISTS do it on demand

ECONOMISTS do it risk-free (in reference to the risk-free interest rate)

ECONOMISTS do it with a dual

ECONOMISTS do it with an atomistic competitor

ECONOMISTS do it with crystal balls

ECONOMISTS do it with interest


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Black Cat

A mathematician, a theoretical economist and an econometrician are asked to find a black cat (who doesn't really exist) in a closed room with the lights off:
The mathematician gets crazy trying to find a black cat that doesn't exist inside the darkened room and ends up in a psychiatric hospital.

The theoretical economist is unable to catch the black cat that doesn't exist inside the darkened room, but exits the room proudly proclaiming that he can construct a model to describe all his movements with extreme accuracy.

The econometrician walks securely into the darkened room, spend one hour looking for the black cat that doesn't exits and shouts from inside the room that he has it caught by the neck."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Two Economists

Two economists were walking down the street when they noticed two women yelling across the street at each other from their apartment windows.
Of course they will never come to agreement, stated the first economist.

And why is that, inquired his companion,

Why, of course, because they are arguing from different premises.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before the journey, the mathematicians bought 3 tickets but economists only bought one. The mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. However, when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet. The conductor, noticing that somebody was in the toilet, knocked on the door. In reply he saw a hand with one ticket. He checked it and the economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price.
The next day, the mathematicians decided to use the same strategy - they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy tickets at all! When the mathematicians saw the conductor, they hid in the toilet, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back.

Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Climbing the Alps

A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun.
Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?'

'Yes', answered the others eagerly.

'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

True story: The scene is a conference of professors of marketing. The keynote speaker is an eminent economist. The chairman, who sees himself as a bit of a wag, says,
"I would like to introduce my eminent colleague and friend. He's an economist, one of those people who turn random numbers into mathematical laws."

The economist, not to be outdone, replies, "My friend, here, is a marketer. They reverse the process."

A Swedish contribution: "Economics is like red whine - you shouldn't smell it but drink it, but if you drink too much on one occasion, there is a risk for dizziness"



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

One day a man walked into the main library of a major research university. He stopped at the reference desk and asked the librarian if she had any current books about economics and the economy.
She answered that she did, and led the man to the reference shelves where the economics and economy books were.

To the surprise of both the librarian and the man all of the books were off the shelf being used.

"That's OK," the man said. "I'll just go to another library. You see, I'm a very busy man, and I set this weekend aside for studying economics and the economy."

The librarian said she understood and gave the man directions to the nearest research library. But her interest piqued, she asked: "Why are you so urgent to study economics and the economy?"

The man replied: "I'm an economist. I've been teaching at this university for the past ten years. I'm attending a business meeting on Monday, and I figure the economy has changed in the past ten years."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Puppies

One day a woman went for a walk in her neighborhood and came across a boy with some puppies. "Would you like a puppy? They aren't ready for new homes quite yet, but they will be in a few weeks!"
"Oh, they're adorable," the lady said. "What kind of dogs are they?"

"These are economists."

"OK. I'll tell my husband."

So she went home and told her husband. He was very interested to see the puppies. About a week later he came across the lad; the puppies were very active.

"Hey, Mister. Want a puppy?"

"I think my wife spoke with you last week. What kind of dogs are these?"

"Oh. These are decision analysts."

"I thought you said last week that they were economists."

"Yeah, but they've opened their eyes since then."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

One night a policeman saw a macroeconomist looking for something buy a lightpole.
He asked him is had had lost something there.

The economist said, "I lost my keyes over in the alley."

The policeman asked him why he was looking by the lightpole.

The economist responded, "it's a lot easier to look over here."



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Seven Habits

Seven habits that help produce the anything-but-efficient markets that rule the world by Paul Krugman in Fortune.
1. Think short term.
2. Be greedy.
3. Believe in the greater fool
4. Run with the herd.
5. Overgeneralize
6. Be trendy
7. Play with other people's money


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

INTEREST GROUP ECONOMIST VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

ECONOMETRICIAN VIRUS - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

POLITICAL THINK TANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until next election.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - nothing works on your system, but all your diagnostic software says everything is just fine.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

MARXIAN ECONOMIST VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


SOVIET ECONOMIST VIRUS - Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

MAINSTREAM ECONOMIST VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases then in "self-defense."

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

CENTRAL BANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION ECONOMIST VIRUS - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

SUPPLY SIDE ECONOMIST VIRUS - Puts your computer to sleep for four years. When your computer wakes up, you're trillion more dollars in debt.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

NEW ECONOMY VIRUS - Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus." You can wipe it out, but it always makes a comeback.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

ENVIRONMENTAL ECONOMIST VIRUS - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A central banker walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza.
When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter get it. There a clerk asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"

The central banker replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Albert Einstein and the New Zealand Economist

When Albert Einstein died, he met three New Zealanders in the queue outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs. The first replied 190. "Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein. "We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity". The second answered 150. "Good," said Einstein. "I look forward to discussing the role of New Zealand's nuclear-free legislation in the quest for world peace". The third New Zealander mumbled 50. Einstein paused, and then asked, "So what is your forecast for the budget deficit next year?"




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise
visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he
noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.
"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner
angrily.

"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.

Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner
counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and
said "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come
back!"

Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has
that lazy bum been working here anyway?"

"He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just
here to deliver a pizza!"



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated." "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Travel Expenses
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?"



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Accountant and the Business Owner

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician said "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."

The attorney stated "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."

The trader asked "Are you buying or selling?"

The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice "What would you like it to be?"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

An American businessman sent one of his Advertising/ Marketing people to Rome to try and get the Pope to record "Give us each our daily coke." The P.R. man came back empty handed. He had offered the Pope $500,000 dollars and had been turned down. His boss commented, "Turned down half a million bucks! I wonder how much the bakeries are paying him?"

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men he said he couldn't increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire them.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

My husband's business is rather up-and-down - he makes yo-yos.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

When Bernard got fired from his last job they were really tough. They made him hand back his keys to the executive toilets, return his company credit card, give back his company car, and even give back his ulcer!

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Another friend of mine is a very successful businessman. He started with five thousand pounds - now he owes fifty-five million.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

I once knew a couple who were in the iron and steel business - she did the ironing, while he went out stealing.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . ." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services....

You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends . . . would you be my friend?"

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Tell them you work for the same company they work for

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Tell them you work for the same company they work for.

Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics."
You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Unscrupulous Businessman

An unscrupulous businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor. The doctor examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."
"Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the businessman.

"Do you want to write your will?"

"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


American Businessman

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered: pepper only."



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


The Big Shot

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q. How did all the daytraders manage to fit under the limbo bar at their party?
A. They had all gone short.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q. How come the congo line kept breaking up at the daytrader's party?

A. Not many of them were willing to go long



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q. Why couldn't the Daytraders agree where they meet to get together?

A. They all wanted to keep their Options open until the last minute.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Trading online is just great.I find it really speeds things up.

I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

If you put two investors in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is a pump and dumper, in which case you get three opinions.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


What is the easiest way to spot a Shorter on a Message Board or Chat room;

Look for the ones who seem to have more questions than the press at a White House briefing.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: What is Dr Alan Greenspan's Favorite PC Game?
A: Roller Coaster Tycoon



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: Why is the fall in the StockMarket not so bad?

A: It won't be so hard to keep up with the Dow Joneses.

You know Greenspan's been around Sooooo long he remembers the tulip bubble!

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: What is Dr Alan Greenspan's Favorite PC Game?

A: Roller Coaster Tycoon

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to

invest in Amazon.com.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

-- > Man

[Man]

Y Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

AK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock?

In the first case, you help finance the local community swimming pool
In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters' home pool.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Losing Money: a Bull or a Bear

"I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or a bear?"

"Neither, just a plain simple ass."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


October Stockmarket Crash:
Which is most dangerous month?

October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.

Mark Twain


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza.

When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter to get it.

There a clerk asks him:

"Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"

The guru replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."




-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Stockbroker Goes Dot.Com

A stock broker to another "I don't think this line of work is for you. You just keep losing money all the time."
"You're right" he replied"My whole life all I've done is lose money".

Next day he comes to work and resigns.

His co-worker asks" What are you going to do with your life."

" I finally figured out how I can make some money from losing money all the time."

"How" asks the co-worker.

"I am going to build a web page and take it public."



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Stockbroker as a Fisherman

The Simpson's invited their new neighbors the Parkers over to dinner. During dinner Mr Simpson asked Mr Parker what he did for a living.
4 year old Billy Parker jumped in and said

" Daddy is a fisherman!"

To which Mrs Parker replied" Billy why do say that? Your daddy is a stock broker not a fisherman."

"No Mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says I just caught another fish."

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

For many years, a young stock broker at Big Street Investments would plan a yearly weekend getaway at a mountain Inn.
He would rendez-vous with the innkeeper's daughter while he was there.

Looking forward to this years trip he departed with his suitcases in hand. When he arrived at the Inn he made his way up the stairs to his usual meeting room. The door was open and he walked in glancing at the Innkeeper daughter sitting on the bed.

There she sat with an infant on her lap!

"Who is that he asked."

"It's your son" she answred.

"Why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the child would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and we finally decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a stock broker.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Stockbroker as Liquidator

In the midst of the shaky stock market we have had this week many brokers are getting calls from their clients requesting they liquidate their holdings. One broker recounts such a call.
One of my clients call me on Thursday all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice.

He says to me "Howard sell it all sell everything , fast right away."

I try to explain to him that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.

He says" John, let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5."

"yes go on" I say.

"Well. My wife Lucie has this thing about the market. It's a phobia of sorts. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress. Her Great Grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin."

"Wow Howard I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down in case she asks for it."

"No John I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Stockbroker's Advice

Q: Why is advice so cheap?

A: Because supply always exceeds demand.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Stockbroker Helps Mr Junkie to Short

ABC Stock reaches $155. $155 for a stock that should be valued at $100. Wow!!!!
That's it I say to myself. It's time I make that decision that all longs consider at one time or another. I am going to short my first stock. I am thinking to myself "This stock is overvalued. It can't sustain these levels. This is money in the bank. Guaranteed baby!!"

I phone my broker.

"How can I help you Mr.Junkie."

"I want to place a trade. I want to short 1000 share of ABC." After a few seconds he says,

"I am sorry Mr.Junkie. I can't process that for you. Your account is a cash account. You need a margin account to short a stock. I can send you the application or you could go to your nearest financial institution to fill out the forms."

I head out the door the minute I get off the phone because time was a wasting and as they say time is money. I run into the financial institution fill out the form and have a taxi deliver it directly to my broker. Next morning I call the broker.

" Hello it's Mr.Junkie did you get the application"

"Yes We did."

"Great I would like to short ABC then."

"One minute please. I am sorry Mr.Junkie but you now need a shorters account."

"What! You mean the margin account isn't enough?

"No you also need a shorters account. Nearest financial institution has the forms"

Off I go again. I complete the form and have it sent by courier to the broker.

Next day I call again.

"Hello Mr.Junkie"

"Please I want to short 1000 shares of abc"

"One moment please." Voice returns within a few seconds. "Sorry Mr.Junkie you don't have enough funds. To short a stock you need 150% the equity value of the stock you are shorting."

"Transfer the funds from my bank account." I demand.

"Will do Mr.Junkie but it will take 2 days for it to be in your account" he replies

two days later I call.

"It's Mr.Junkie did you get the funds transfer."

"Yes Mr.Junkie we did"

"Great I want to short 1000 shares of abc at $155"

Few moments later "Mr. Junkie I am sorry but I don't think that is possible"

"Why not. Now what's the problem?"

"Well the last trade went through at $101."


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Stockbroker or Frog

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Stockbroker and Stock Analyst go to the Races

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.
"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"
"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.
"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."
"But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested.
"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.


Stockbroker's Creed

Stockbroker's creed: A man is a client until proven broke.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Stockbrokers and Yachts

A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." "And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?

"My God! It burnt out!! Sell all my G.E. stock NOW!!!"



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two all up. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q: What is a Stockbroker's Best Friend?

A: Glass.

-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q. How did all the daytraders manage to fit under the limbo bar at their party?

A. They had all gone short.



-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q. How come the congo line kept breaking up at the daytrader's party?

A. Not many of them were willing to go long.


-- > Man

[Man]

Laughs

Hello

They say laughter is the best medicine, after all.

Q. Why couldn't the Daytraders agree where they meet to get together?

A. They all wanted to keep their Options open until the last minute.


-- > Man