Life Is Like That -- True Incidents, Anecdotes, Thoughts

[Man]

Hello

Here I Would Like To Share True, Amusing and Funny Incidents And Anecdotes.


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they --pointing to a distant convenience store -- would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. . . it's a long walk."


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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JEFF and I rarely got to say much more than "hello" and "good-by" to each other because at 5 p.m., when I was leaving work for the day, he was just arriving. A while ago, I flung a quick "Hi, Jeff," over my shoulder as I spotted him at his post. He shook his head, looked at me wistfully and replied, "It's a shame we're just two shifts passing in the night."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Our Hero

Cross my heart this happened to someone.

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. "Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK." He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the Bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotess

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nodstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: " I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening." If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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A FRIEND of ours applied to have his boat registered. After getting no response for some time, he phoned the agency in question. The young woman he spoke to was savvy and polite. "Hold on a moment and I'll check," she said. She came back on the line seconds later, having located his application. She told him it had been acted on and was ready to be returned to him. She apologized for the delay. Overwhelmed at this display of competence and good manners, he thanked her, adding, "This is the first time I have ever received such efficient and courteous treatment at the hands of a government agency." "Oh, thank you," she said. "I guess it's just that I'm new here."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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DURING my career in the federal public service, numerous directives, often couched in administrative jargon, were issued. Having served their purpose, these were usually relegated to the wastebasket. But one which I could never bring myself to discard concluded with this thought-provoking postscript: "This circular replaces circular 1959-36 which has never been distributed."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it up and decided to send it to the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God which ran as follows:

Dear God:

Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Ottawa. As usual those Mail Men deducted $95.00.


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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A WOMAN who works for the state of Louisiana got a call from a man who paused when she told him the name of her agency. He then asked her to repeat it. "It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she told him again. There was another pause. "For gosh sakes, sign me up," he said. "I didn't do too well when I was young."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotess

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THE clerk of the village of Wardsville, Ont., received a letter containing the following request: "... The Culture and Recreation subcommittee of the Association of Municipalities of Ontario suggested that it would be appropriate to write to all the municipal clerks and ask each of them to submit a short brief or letter concerning the Arts in their municipality - how are they regarded, how are they funded, what effect do they have on the life or the economy of the municipality, and so on." The clerk replied: Dear Sir: Reference your letter requesting information on the Arts in our municipality. We are pleased to advise that we have four: Art Harold Art Morgan Art Marks Art Sweet They are all extremely well regarded in the community. They are mostly funded by Old Age Security Pension and Canada Pension, and all contribute to the economy of the municipality in their day-to-day living.

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checking involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three persons: two men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job."
So they bring in the second man, take him to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what
the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man
came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her. I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No," the CIA man replied, " you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Next, they turned to the woman for her test. They led her to the same door, to the same room, and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door had even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!!!"


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

VISITING a government office building in Ottawa, I entered an elevator full of civil servants. Being closest to the door, I pushed the button for the next floor. Nothing happened. I pushed again. The elevator did not move. Then a voice called from the rear, "Try pushing in triplicate." I gave the button a quick triple jab. It worked.

-- > Man

[Man]

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As A night clerk for the Kansas City division of the FBI, I frequently received calls for a local hospital that had a similar number. One night after answering the phone, "FBI," I heard a gasp on the other end of the line. Guessing what had happened, and trying to be helpful, I said, "That's all right. You were calling the North Kansas City Hospital, weren't you?" Before I could give that number, there was another gasp and a man stammered, "Boy — you people really do know everything!"

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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MY WIFE'S name is Jean and my name is Jean -"John" in English -. One of the problems with having the same spelling is that often we don't know to whom the mail is addressed. After waiting for over four months for my Quebec income-tax refund, I commented to my wife on the incompetence of the government. "Yes, I know," she replied, "they can really mess things up. They've sent me two refunds."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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A Guy is talking to his wife, asking if he should wear his Armonni Suit or just jeans and a t-shirt to the IRS audit. She says, "Well, let me tell ya what my Grandma told me on my wedding night. Doesn't matter if ya wear pajama's or a silky night gown, either way, you will be had".

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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AFTER I purchased my pickup truck, I bought a book on gasoline engines to avoid being ripped off at the service station. The first time I took the truck in for repairs, I smugly wrote down what the problem was and what needed to be fixed. That night, when I returned for the truck, I found this note attached to the windshield: "I fixed the problem in your truck, but in order for me to fix the problem you described, you'll have to bring in the lawn mower. I suggest you go back a couple of chapters. My wife has the same book."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

ONE of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car needing a new fender and some door repairs. I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up, he wasn't pleased. "What's wrong?" I asked. Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not matching, uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He demanded an explanation. "The repairs I made," I noted, "were to the other side."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

A man and his wife arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up their car, but were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As they watched from the passenger's side, the guy instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," the man announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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WHILE I waited at a service station for my car to be tuned, a woman drove up in a clunker that rattled, wheezed and coughed to a stop in a cloud of smoke. She rolled down her window and asked the attendant if she could wait while it was being fixed. "Sure," replied the attendant. "It'll take awhile, but get your things. You can sleep over there under the oil racks."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

WHEN the fan belt wore out on his car, my friend Steve used a little old fashioned ingenuity and replaced it with a pair of his wife's panty hose. Unaware of this repair job, she drove off to get gas, and asked the service station attendant to check the oil. He did. And as he came back to her window he seemed to have trouble not laughing. "Oil's fine," he managed to get out. "But it looks like you need to change your panty hose!"



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Father to son after the exam: Let me see your report card.

Son: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his father.


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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AT A high-school faculty meeting, the principal had presented an agonizing list of our sins, failures, flaws and transgressions, and we were all feeling rather tense. Then the principal announced that the science club project would be a blood drive, and that in order to promote faculty participation he would donate the first pint of blood.

The meeting burst into laughter when a voice from the back of the room demanded anxiously, "Whose?"


-- > Man

[Man]

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As A big-city school teacher, I became familiar with the importance my students placed on such things as roller skates, stereophonic radios and record players, and ten-speed bicycles. But when I moved to the mountains to teach in a tiny country school, I found I had a lot more to learn. One of my Grade IX students pleaded with me to give him good marks. "If you don't, " he told me miserably, "I know Pa will take away my portable power saw."


-- > Man

[Man]

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THE high-school science class was checking over a test they had taken. Commenting on one item, the teacher remarked, "This question was designed to make you think!" From the back of the class came, "Trick question! Trick question!"



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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THE opening of home-economics classes to boys several years ago brought new experiences to Donna O'Bryant, a teacher at Dowling High School in West Des Moines, Iowa. During one class, four football players asked, after rolling out a crust, "How do you get it into the pan?" Since that had already been discussed, she replied, "That's your problem. Figure it out." And so they did. "One, two, three, hut!" While one held the inverted pie tin on the rolled-out crust, the other three picked up the table and turned it over in midair. Out from under the table came a perfectly centered piecrust. The following day the anonymous pies were judged. Guess which won first prize!


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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OUR high-school principal has each teacher report class attendance over the intercom. The instructor must state the number of students present by gender. For example, "I have fourteen boys and thirteen girls in attendance." One day our principal was more than a little miffed at having to remind several teachers of the correct procedure. He was apparently somewhat forgetful too, when he checked on the girls' physical education instructor. "I have twenty-seven pupils present, sir," she announced. "Lady," he shouted through the intercom, "I need sex!"

Please Note Principal Meant "Sex" As In Gender. ! ! !


-- > Man

[Man]

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MY SCHOOL'S superintendent looked rather downcast as he read a note. "A complaint from an irate parent?" I offered sympathetically. "No, it's from the home-economics teacher. I returned a dish to her classroom yesterday and noticed a list of words on the board. Braise was spelled incorrectly, so I left her a note. This is her response: 'Dear Mr. Ross - Thank you for calling my attention to the misspelled word on my blackboard. Not everyone knows how to spell that word. However, if you had looked closer you would have noticed that they were all misspelled. It was a spelling test.' "




-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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MY GRADE 10 English students had spent several weeks on their research papers, and the moment of truth had arrived — the papers were due. I knew that Gene had not been working very hard on the assignment and that it probably would not be up to standard. When I went to collect it from him, he said, "My dog ate it." Having heard that excuse dozens of times, I gave him my best intimidating teacher glare. "It's true," he insisted. "I had to force him, but he ate it."



-- > Man

[Man]

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A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide." And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

Forty-three (43) said yes,
six (6) were undecided,
and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
He feels the conclusion is obvious.



-- > Man

[Man]

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WHEN I was teaching a Grade 1 class, Billy's tooth just popped out. He was examining it in wonderment when Joan turned around to tell him all about the tooth fairy: how she put her tooth under her pillow when she went to bed, and when she woke in the morning, the tooth was gone, a shiny quarter in its place. Billy put his tooth in his pocket thoughtfully. When it was time to go home, Billy walked over to Joan, handed her the tooth and said, "You can put my tooth under your pillow and bring me the money on Monday."


-- > Man

[Man]

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WHILE on recess duty at the elementary school where I teach, I was talking with several second-graders about what they wanted to be when they grew up. Rhonda said that she was planning to be a nun. "But, Rhonda," I protested, "last week you said you were going to be prime minister." Giving me her most withering look, she retorted, "I can have two jobs if I want to."

-- > Man

[Man]

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AS A music instructor, I work with many classroom teachers. One day I entered a Grade 2 class and began my lesson. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the teacher take out a bright-red lipstick and, very deliberately, apply an enormous amount to her lips. How unlike her, I thought. When the bell rang and I said good-by to an exceptionally well behaved group of seven-year-olds, the teacher said, "Class, I am sure Mrs. Johnson thinks that I was acting very strange today. Who would like to explain?" One boy spoke right up: "Mrs. King said that if anybody misbehaved today, she was going to give them a big kiss."."

-- > Man

[Man]

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WHILE taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered, and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

-- > Man

[Man]

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SEVERAL years ago, while teaching a Grade 1 class, I had one exceptionally bright but talkative student. To discipline him, I kept him after school one day and had him print ten lines of "I must not talk out loud during class." When he handed in his paper, he had added another line: "This is a recording."

-- > Man

[Man]

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I WAS trying to prepare my Grade VI students in our Montreal area school for the annual Christmas concert. They were to sing "Joy to the World" in the final act - the Nativity scene. We had been rehearsing for some time, and things were not going well, so I thought a short break would be in order. To relax them I put on a Christmas recording of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing "Joy to the World." As it began, one of the boys looked up and in a delighted voice exclaimed, "You taped us!"

-- > Man

[Man]

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I WAS going through an exercise with my class on the formation of plurals. The answers were pretty routine until I came to the word tomato. "Can anyone tell me the plural of tomato?" I asked. One student's hand shot up. "Catsup!" he announced proudly.

-- > Man

[Man]

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ONE morning as I was teaching a Grade II class, Andy arrived at school in an excited mood. His family had just acquired a new dog, and he was bubbling over in his description of their new pet. "What colour is your dog?" I asked. Without hesitation he answered, "Pitch white!"

-- > Man

[Man]

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ONE of the most pressure-filled moments for any student or teacher comes each time report cards are issued. Having spent many hours filling in marks and trying to comment accurately on each student's performance, I distributed the reports to an anxious Grade 7 class. There was the usual hush as they pored over the contents of their reports. One by one, they gathered up their belongings and braced themselves for a confrontation with parents when they arrived home. One student, however, was especially concerned. He approached me after the others had left, asking if I couldn't add a few more comments to soften the blow. Forgetting exactly what I had written about his "general behavior," I took his report and read aloud: "I am very excited about the improvement Corey has shown in many areas. His positive attitude and effort are a delight. Keep up the good work, Corey!" Amazed that the boy was worried about taking home such a report, I asked, "What more could you want?" His face lit up as he asked, "Could you add that?"

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

SEVERAL years ago, while teaching a Grade 1 class, I had one exceptionally bright but talkative student. To discipline him, I kept him after school one day and had him print ten lines of "I must not talk out loud during class." When he handed in his paper, he had added another line: "This is a recording."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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I WAS trying to prepare my Grade VI students in our Montreal area school for the annual Christmas concert. They were to sing "Joy to the World" in the final act - the Nativity scene. We had been rehearsing for some time, and things were not going well, so I thought a short break would be in order. To relax them I put on a Christmas recording of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing "Joy to the World." As it began, one of the boys looked up and in a delighted voice exclaimed, "You taped us!"

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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I WAS going through an exercise with my class on the formation of plurals. The answers were pretty routine until I came to the word tomato. "Can anyone tell me the plural of tomato?" I asked. One student's hand shot up. "Catsup!" he announced proudly.

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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ONE morning as I was teaching a Grade II class, Andy arrived at school in an excited mood. His family had just acquired a new dog, and he was bubbling over in his description of their new pet. "What colour is your dog?" I asked. Without hesitation he answered, "Pitch white!"

-- > Man

[Man]

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ONE of the most pressure-filled moments for any student or teacher comes each time report cards are issued. Having spent many hours filling in marks and trying to comment accurately on each student's performance, I distributed the reports to an anxious Grade 7 class. There was the usual hush as they pored over the contents of their reports. One by one, they gathered up their belongings and braced themselves for a confrontation with parents when they arrived home. One student, however, was especially concerned. He approached me after the others had left, asking if I couldn't add a few more comments to soften the blow. Forgetting exactly what I had written about his "general behavior," I took his report and read aloud: "I am very excited about the improvement Corey has shown in many areas. His positive attitude and effort are a delight. Keep up the good work, Corey!" Amazed that the boy was worried about taking home such a report, I asked, "What more could you want?" His face lit up as he asked, "Could you add that?"

-- > Man

[quiver0812]

ha ma to ................................

[Man]

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ON HER first day of teaching, a young woman was introducing herself to her Grade I class, telling the children she hoped they'd all soon get to know each other better. As she spoke, she backed up against the blackboard map, which rolled up like a window shade and pulled her skirt clear up past her waist. The class was very quiet as she struggled to get her skirt down again. Then one little boy broke the silence by saying, in a loud voice, "We know you better already."

-- > Man

[Man]

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I AM a teacher, and on my birthday I brought candy to school for my pupils. When a small boy came up and asked how old I was, I replied jokingly, "Oh, very old. About a hundred!" "Told you so," said another student standing next to him.

-- > Man

[Man]

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MY CLASSROOM was on the third floor of a beautiful old building with a banistered staircase in the centre. After the umpteenth warning, one of my students arrived late for class with no pencil or paper. I sent him to the principal's first floor office, noting his departure time on his hall pass. When he got back, I noticed it had taken him one minute to check in at the office, but three minutes to return.
Asked for an explanation, the student looked at me incredulously and replied, "Well, you can't slide up a banister!"

-- > Man

[Man]

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

EXCITEMENT mounted high among our elementary school students when they began doing their gym exercises to music. During a demonstration, however, the teacher sprained his ankle, and subsequently he received an accident report form to complete. In response to the question: "Time of accident?" he wrote: "4/4."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

Hello

Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

As A school principal I often watch the younger pupils play. On one occasion some children were playing school when a younger child joined them. One of the more out spoken tots turned to him and said, "You can't play school, you can't read or write. I'll tell you what — you be the principal.

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

WHEN my grandson was asked by his father, my son Frank, if he had any homework one evening, he replied, "No. But I do have to write fifty lines, because when I missed school last week, I forgot to take a note." "That was my fault," said Frank. "I didn't give you a note." He then sat down and painstakingly wrote fifty times: "I will not forget to give Sean a note whenever he's absent." The teacher returned it to my son with a notation: "Well done. I love it."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

WHILE my Grade 3 class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha." I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem. That's when another pupil said to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

Hello

Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

I RECEIVED the following answer on a Grade VI test that dealt with Canadian government: Canada's Parliament consists of two houses, Senate and House of Comment.

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

ONE morning, as I was greeting my Grade 1 class, a little girl ran up to me saying, "You don't recognize me, do you?" "No," I replied, wondering what was coming next. "I didn't think so," she said. "I have a new lunch box today."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was Fascinated." The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate." Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only "fasten 8."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

A BOY in my Grade 2 class came to me and said, "I ain't got no pencils." Hoping he would correct himself, I asked, "You what?" "I don't got no pencils." "You don't what?" "I don't have no pencils." "You don't have what?" "I don't have any pencils," he finally replied. Then he added, "And I ain't got no eraser either.

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Now is it not funny when time passes you by It does not leave no tracks but in your minds eye Looking forward to yesterday when it was tomorrow You cannot take the time back or ask time to borrow You have time a coming but then it is all gone Standing in one place time do not stay so long Time stretching out a head even to the horizon and sky Looking back time is just memories to you and I Time like the puffy white clouds in a clear blue sky Changing always changing and then it passes you by Time O time can't you stop for a minute and at least say hello Time never gets old like me it just passes me by !
I am rich with all of the time that I spent Perhaps if I ask God for more time even to rent Where O where is all of that time when yesterday was tomorrow Cannot I reach back to that time and just borrow



-- > Man

[Man]

Thought And A Message

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A Four year old was admitted to a Hospital due to a fracture of a bone in her leg. As it was an open fracture, she had to undergo an operation to stitch the protruding bone back in its place.

Although it was quite a minor operation, still she was hooked on to life supporting system, as it is part of the procedure. The Doctors had to input some data prior to the operation to suit different conditions.

Thereafter the operation proceeded. Half way through the process, the life supporting system went dead. The culprit ? Some Thoughtless, Irresponsible Person was using his / her Cellular Phone outside the Operation Theatre.

And the frequencies had affected the system. They tried to track the Person but to no avail.

The little Girl, young and full of Innocence, died soon after. Sad to say she was the only child.

Recently In my area, on a busy Highway / Freeway ; A marriage party Van and a Passenger Bus Collided and few persons died, including young lives. According to the Bus Passenger – He was traveling in the Bus, stated that The Bus Driver was on his Cellular Phone, a few Kilometers earlier he narrowly missed hitting a three wheeler. And the Van Driver, on his third pick up, was also on his Cellular Phone ! ! !

Message :Be Compassionate, Responsible and sensitive to the messages and signs where you are told not to use the Cellular Phones. Use them, but Please Do Not misuse them. Pause for a minute or two, stop doing whatever, you are doing, even walking on the road to receive and finish talking on the Cellular Phone. Please Do Not Use Cellular Phone Where You Are Not Supposed To.

Pass this thought and message to as many as you can since many of us are not aware of the reality and seriousness of the misuse of the hand / cellular phone.



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

As embarrassing as it is...this is ridgy didge true! By Sari

One morning I awoke and stumbled out of my bedroom to find a snake behind the wall unit in my hallway. It had a black and yellow tail with it's head hidden behind the unit. After screaming blue murder and gathering my children on top of the kitchen table, I proceeded to ring every darn place in the phone book that I thought could help me get rid of it.

"After screaming blue murder and gathering my children on top of the kitchen table..."
I rang everyone, from government departments to the police, even the RSPCA. No-one had anyone that could come and get the snake. After several hours on the kitchen table, the snake still had not moved. I figured he may have swallowed a mouse and was stuck.

Desperately in need of a bathroom break (we couldn't use ours as it would have meant walking past the snake) we bundled into the car and went down and used the one at KFC. We returned home to find that the rotten snake was still there.

One last desperate phone call (at around 5pm) was made to a pest control company. Yes... (thank goodness) they did have a man that could remove the snake, but he was off duty, and lived about 45 minutes out of town. A fair bit of begging later, we arranged for the man to come into town... and I was prepared to pay ANYTHING!

"I was cringing in the kitchen so that I didn't have to view the vicious man-eating reptile with big gnashing teeth."
The nice man rocked up about an hour later and had a look. He went back out to his van and got a torch and came back in for another look. I was cringing in the kitchen so that I didn't have to view the vicious man-eating reptile with big gnashing teeth. After a few minutes I heard a burst of laughter come from the loungeroom. I failed to see any humour in the situation, but called out to see if the man was ok. He sauntered into where I was cowering in the kitchen... with a plastic snake! The rotten thing wasn't real! He was laughing so hard he had tears running down his face.

He wouldn't allow me to pay him as he felt I had been punished enough... although I did at least manage to get him to take $20 for petrol. I had spent the day on the kitchen table and making bathroom visits at the local KFC for nothing. I told the man he could keep the "snake" and to this day I have no idea how it got there.

Several years later, I had moved when I got a pest control mob in to do my place for rodents. Who should I get? The same man that had "caught" my plastic snake... and no, he hadn't forgotten!

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Superpuss to the rescue By Frikion

I'd like to to share a true story of how my cat Neelix saved my girlfriend's life.

A couple of years ago i was working late one night in Melbourne. It was 1:30 am when I got a call from my very distressed girlfriend.

She begins to tell me that she went to bed at about 11:30, only to be woken up an hour later by a very vocal Neelix, meeowing and climbing all over her. Thinking he just wasn't satisfied with his earlier meal, she pushed him off and threw a pillow at him. Not detered, Neelix kept pestering, getting quite agitated himself. After 10 minutes of being constantly hassled, she got up still half asleep and quite cranky, only to find the lounge room on FIRE!

In shock, through the smoke she saw my stereo speaker and the curtains fully ablaze. Jumping into action on a full adrenalin rush she woke the old lady next door, yelling at her to call the fire brigade. She bounded back inside and actually managed to get the fire out using all available doonas & scattered clothes, just as the fire truck arrived.

The cause of the fire was an incense burner left alight on top of the speaker (a lesson for all). The end result was complete destruction of the speaker, curtains, carpet, many doonas and severe wall damage. Not to mention the small but painfull burns on her arms and legs. The fireman said another couple of minutes and there would have been no stopping it, and the severity of the smoke would have rendered her unconcious. Neelix was hailed as the hero of the night by the fireman, needless to say he was showered with gifts and the finest pussy cat cuisine for many months after.

A happy ending thanks to a fluffy hero!

-- > Man

[Man]

View Point

Hello

Keep left unless overtaking By PunJaby

I've mentioned this in the forums and got a very large amount of negative feedback. Mainly due to people not understanding my point.
In other countries around the world, the center or outside lane is used for faster traffic. In Australia, it too is used. The F3 is just one example. The large reflective signs posted along the road reading "Keep left unless overtaking" make this very clear. It is also mentioned in the handbook you get when you sit your Learner's Permit Test.

Why then to drivers insist on sitting in the 'fast lane' at a slower speed then the posted limit? Especially when there is nobody in the left most lanes? This not only frustrates drivers wishing to go the speed limit, but also causes them to undertake as the driver will not move over. I'm not just talking about a one off thing. This happens constantly. I'm sure others reading this will agree with me.

I, no matter what road I am on, keep to the left unless i need to overtake. And in many other countries it is common courtesy to do so - no matter what road you are on. Do Australian drivers have a disibility in checking their mirrors? Or are they just plain stubburn and rude?

Whilst I don't tailgate the person to make them aware of my presence, I find that if you flash them with your highbeams, they become more reluctant to move over. Why?

But what is interesting is that if you have read this far, and disagree with me - I bet you are asuming that I am a speeding driver. I'm not. I stick to the limit. And if I am driving the speed limit, I will always stick to the left most lane to let drivers who wish to go faster past.

For those of you that say, "I'm doing the speed limit, therefore I'm allowed to stay in whichever lane I wish" and believe that by doing so you are slowing the speeding drivers down - you are only causing more problems. Not only do you now have a speeding driver tailgating you, but you also cause him to have to undertake you at speed. Which is more dangerous? Letting him pass, or making him divert into slower travelling lanes to get around you?

But my main point has nothing to do with speed, which a lot of people first thought. I just want Australian drivers to pay more attention to the road rules. Use common sense and look out for each other. Be aware that not everyone wants to go 40 in a 60 zone. Or 90 in a 110 zone. Let them past. Keep our roads safe. And just becasue there are no signs saying so, doesn't mean the basic road rules don't apply.

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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A funny thing happened... By Sue


I would like to share this very funny story with all my fellow EmailCash members!

My sister and brother-in-law were in the ostrich farming business a few years ago, and as my sister was also a devoted horse rider, therefore owning a horse float, they would transport their ostriches in the float for short trips.

One evening they were moving four ostriches in the float, when a car behind them began flashing their lights at them and beeping their horn. My sister and her hubby decided they had better pull over to see if something had gone amiss with the float, etc. The other car also stopped, and the driver of that car rushed up to my brother-in-law (who had gone to the back of the float by this time) and said, "Look you obviously had no idea but we thought we'd better stop you to tell you your horse is in big trouble..."

My brother-in-law just stood there not knowing what to say, when the other guy continued by telling him that his 'horse' was upside-down!

Needless to say that the very helpful and well meaning stranger was feeling very sheepish once he realised the four legs of the 'horse' were actually the necks and heads of the ostriches!!


-- > Man

[Man]

True Courage And Thought

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The Age of Chivalry By Eternlslady


The other day whilst travelling in peak hour on a train with my sons (neither old enough to walk so they were in a double pram) I was dismayed to find that, apparently, business men have more right to seating than a mother struggling with two children.

I had spent a very long couple of hours shopping for a gift at the nearest major complex to my house (half an hour away). I was completely worn out and trying to hold on, comfort my youngest who was also tired and therefore upset, and ensure two year old and my purchases remained in the pram, when I realised that my baby's crying was disturbing the seated passengers.

These grown men had the hide to make a remark about young mothers not being able to handle their children because they are nothing more than children themselves. My patience snapped and I was about to tell the men exactly what I thought of them when I was saved by a knight in a public school uniform.

The young boy (I'm guessing about 14) who had boarded the train at the last stop had apparently had enough too. He turned to the men and said "Maybe if you weren't so busy insulting her you would have had the time to read the sign above your heads." Sure enough they were directly under the notice about giving up the seat to the disabled, pregnant, elderly and less mobile passengers. Better still the boy had raised his voice loud enough for the whole section of the carriage to hear. All of a sudden I had every seat to choose from.

This just goes to show that there are still a few young people who believe in courtesy and are willing to defend this belief. I only wish that I had found out his details so I could ring his school and thank him properly.


-- > Man

[Man]

True Courage

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Courage? By Timmo

An article in last week's magazine was entitled Courage. Perhaps the author and I have a different perception of the word. This is an excerpt from a website I found on Victoria Cross Winners during World War I.

"JACKA, Albert

Lance-Corporal, 14th Bn. (Victoria), Australian Imperial Force Campaign First World War
Age: 22
Nationality: Australian

Died On 19/20 May 1915, at "Courtney's Post", Gallipoli, Turkey, Lance-Corporal Jacka, while holding a portion of our trench with four other men, was heavily attacked. When all except himself were killed or wounded, and the trench was rushed and occupied by seven Turks, Lance-Corporal Jacka most gallantly attacked them single handed, killing the whole party, five by rifle and two with the bayonet."


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Cash Staff by JohnnyB

Three tired Cash staff talk after work one day.

"How many points did you two give away today?" says No.3, then quickly adds "Wait, don't tell me, you gave away 43,945 points and you, 55,095 points. You are in Surveys, and you are in Reward Mail."

The other two are stunned and say in unison, "Yeah, that's amazing, how did you know?"

"Easy," says No.3 "I'm in the Guessing Game."



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Daring to try By Observer

Have you ever wanted to do something and never been quite game to make the first move? Eventually it falls by the way, and it goes onto that list that you have promised yourself you will do one day. Funny thing when you reach old age you are then saying to yourself, "Gosh! I wish I had not been so scared to do that. It would have been so easy really. Now it is too late!"

I took the momentous step to find out about water aerobics. You see, I put in a big year and in amongst major events of my life, I gave up food, well I gave up fattening foods and as a result lost a lot of weight. I still have a way to go, but I had come to a stand still, or was it that the scales had stopped working? Well anyway, with all the walking etc, that I had done it seemed I needed to take the next step in my fitness plan, if there really was one to begin with?

I made the big phone call to the local private swimming pool and asked about their programmes. I was told they have a water aerobics session twice a week and my question was how difficult was it? I was concerned that this body that was aging with every minute and not the fittest one you have ever seen, would not be able to handle such strenuous activity.

"Have they allowed enough room for water displacement when I get into the pool?"
Decision made, I was going to tackle this 'water aerobics' head on! Well, they were brave words. For someone who does not tend to push themselves forward, and being a cautious person who never does anything without a great amount of thought, this lady seems to have lost her marbles. She is not acting what is considered normal. After all, when this lady went to secondary school she would always leave her bathers home and when asked at sport time where were her bathers she always said "I forgot and left them at home Miss..." Got away with it for four years I did!

Well the day came and I was determined to carry out my resolve to get involved in this water aerobics caper. Well the closer I got to the pool the further I wanted to be away. All I could think was "Have they allowed enough room for water displacement when I get into the pool? I will be so embarrassed if the pool water laps over the edges when I get in there!"

As I got to the door of the pool I nearly turned around and went home. "Well lady," I said to myself, "If you give up on yourself now then you will never do anything interesting in your life." That did it! I put my hand on the door and went in. Too late, can't turn back now! I went to the counter to pay my money only to be told that the session had just finished. How embarrassing, first time here and I could not get that right. Then I thought about it and remembered being told it was 9am and that was the time I was there, but they had forgotten to tell me that other classes were on over the school holidays. The sessions were earlier than usual and would revert back to that time when school went back. Well that didn't make me feel real good, all this mental energy to get me here and I was too late. "Well lady don't let that stop you," I said to myself.

"...there ought to be a law against anyone looking that darned fit."
I 'fronted' up the next week. We had this very fit young gentleman giving us instructions from the side of the pool. I remember thinking there ought to be a law against anyone looking that darned fit. He went through a system of exercises that all the others seemed to know, but this lady who was new to this game was floundering. Just as well my feet and most of my body was under water. They would not be able to see me fluff my cues.

We went for an hour jogging here and punching water there. I began to think, "Why did I worry about coming here? This is fun!" And I thought I might not be fit enough! This was a breeze, not strenuous at all. Wrong! When I stepped out of the pool I could feel my legs were going to go from under me, they felt like jelly. Was I going to make it up those steps? What if I couldn't manage? How embarrassing to have to ask for help out of the pool! C'mon lady you will make it. Only two steps. That’s all, you can make it. Goodness me! I think they are beginning to watch you as if there is something strangely wrong with you (we won't tell them there is). One more go. One, two, out of the pool I went. I almost jumped for joy but my jelly legs would not allow it and just as well or the people who run the pool would wonder what they had found here, should they call the authorities and have her locked up?

Well, I have been going ever since and enjoying the company of other people all with different reasons for being there. It goes to show you that new things are never as hard as they seem on the surface. The only restriction I had in all of this was the one I put on myself.


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Educators and Teachers By Clifford

According to a recent news report, a certain private school in Victoria was facing a unique problem.

A number of Year 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Each night the cleaners would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something needed to be done about this. She called all the girls into the bathroom and met them there with the cleaner.

The principal explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the cleaners each night. To show how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the cleaner to demonstrate.

The cleaner took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and then proceeded to clean the mirrors with it. Since then there have been no more lip prints on the mirror.

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

Hello

You Did WHAT On Your Honeymoon?! By Mollipops

I have had a couple of accidents in my life so far. One involved a car, a broken relationship, and a tree. But sorry, that's not the story I'm about to tell you! (If you really want to know, I was okay, the car was a write-off, and so was the relationship!)

No, this accident happened in North West Tasmania on our honeymoon, while doing daredevil deeds on a Polaris 4-wheeler. Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time... We were driving a hire car around Tassie (which I have to say is just gorgeous) and had been doing all the usual fairly conservative touristy stuff. When we got to the windswept and wild North-West, we came across a company that did "tours" on these Polaris vehicles... like mini 4-wheel drives. It seemed to fit perfectly with the wilderness. Hey we could do this, we were young, we were fit... well, kinda.

Anyway, we were up to the challenge. At least, I thought I was! It was my helmet that was my downfall. Oh it protected my head just fine, but it also covered my ears and I didn't quite catch the guide when he yelled over the roaring engines, "Choose a low gear down this hill!" I knew he said something about the hill, I thought it was something like, "Take it easy!" Hey no problem, mate, just 'cos I'm a woman doesn't mean I can't handle this little hill! So I smiled and nodded and off we went, the guide first, me next... at a great rate of knots, out of control and straight into a log! I flew off into the ditch, the whole thing landed on top of me and I landed on my hand. A few seconds later my husband of a week nearly landed on top of everything in his horror and his hurry to "rescue" me!

I was more embarrassed than hurt. Oh the shame! I'd thought I could handle it, it hadn't looked so hard. But I'd never driven a silly Polaris before (and never will again!) and he should have warned me earlier... oh excuses, excuses! I was just plain foolish! Hooning down the hill like Mick Doohan on his day off.

Anyway, I had a really sore thumb and hand for the rest of the holiday, and despite my complaints never went to a doctor until we got home about a week later. Then I was sent for an x-ray of my hand. When the radiographer asked me what I'd done to it, I told her it had happened on my honeymoon. She just looked at her assistant and they burst into laughter. I was embarrassed all over again!

I'd actually ruptured a ligament in my thumb. No wonder it had hurt! My new hubby felt guilty then that he hadn't taken my complaints more seriously! It healed of course... although every time I hear a motor racing, it gives me a little twinge just to remind me never to pretend I'm a stunt-driver again!



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Proof Of Age?!? By Anasazi

It has come to my attention recently, whilst standing outside a nightclub, awaiting entrance, that a lot of people seem to be leaving their proof of age cards at home. (ID cards for those who don’t understand what I am talking about.) Frequently I have found myself standing in the cold for up to half an hour while a person on their knees is begging the door person to let them in, even though they know they are not going to get in.

It just makes me wonder... In the case of females, they carry their bag, and it contains their money, makeup, sanitary products, and probably many more things that a mere male would not know about. And for a male, the good old wallet in the back pocket (or on a chain for those into the new way), holding their money. How hard is it to quickly slip a good old drivers licence or a proof of age card into their bag/wallet? Or am I just too daft to understand that there is just not enough room in a bag or chained wallet to fit in a card? I'm sure a stick of lipstick removed from the bag, or a link in a chain on the wallet would allow the card to fit in, and make it a lot quicker and eaiser for all involved to continue their life at a normal pace.

I guess it all goes back to an old mothers saying... "Just because you think you look the age doesn't mean you are," or words to that effect. To pull a prime example from my days as a console operator, the legal age for cigarette purchases in QLD had just changed from 16 to 18. We were instructed to card (ask for ID) anyone who looked under the age of 25. I had a run in with a very attractive female, who to me did not look a day over 18, and who politely told me to shove it in a very unpleasant place upon asking her for proof of age. Eventually, she produced her drivers licence, and she was 31. I said thanks and she continued to mumble under her breath. So I got brave and asked her to guess my age, to which she replied 27. I opened my wallet to show her my drivers licence, proving I was only 17. Suffice to say she then apologised and continued on her way.

Guessing an age by what you look like is impossible, males generally look older than they are, and females younger. And in these days where any underage activity in an 18+ establishment results in fines for the proprietor from $10,000 to $1,000,000, you can't expect anyone to take you seriously when you can't prove your age.

Put yourself in the same boots, especially at age 17-25. Can you afford these fines? I am sure it is a debt you could live with for the rest of your life.


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Logic of Miss Three By Caz

The children at the local pre-school where my daughter attends, were discussing the subject of death with the teacher.

"Why don't we just come back after we die?" was asked by one of the kids.

Before the teacher could answer, my Miss Three replied in a very matter of fact style, "Well, if you have a plant that is dead or almost dead, you can water it and it may come back to life. But you can't water your grandma, can you?"


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Assertiveness By Bexta

I recently broke up with a guy I'd been seeing for about two months and am still pretty depressed about it. I've been thinking about the way I am quite a bit because of this and have come to realise, finally, that it was my lack of assertiveness that caused him to break it off with me.

I didn't feel confident enough to voice my opinions or feelings and that frustrated the both of us.

I am also like this with other people that I know and feel my life lacking because of it. I have never thought it a serious problem before, or that I could even change it, but because I really liked this guy I realise that I'm just hurting myself.

I know there are others like me out there and just wanted to say that there is something you can do about it - but you've got to want to change.

Being assertive doesn't mean you have to ram your thoughts and opinions down other people's throats, it just means that you say what you feel and try to be as tactful as possible while doing it.

I do fear opening myself up like that and know I will feel like an idiot most of the time, but I'm tired of being passive-aggressive. It's already ruined most of my relationships and made me feel inferior.

I'm fed up feeling that way.

If you can relate to the things I've said then I suggest you look up assertiveness training in one of the search engines. If you can admit it's a problem, then you can take a step to changing your life for the better.


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Automatic doors By ^=KaT=^

One Saturday morning I decided to go to Coles to do my weekly shopping. I had never been to this particular shop before and I was excited to see what prices they had. I walked up to what I thought was the automatic door and walked right into it, and fell flat to the ground. I had actually walked into the window!

Everyone saw me and a couple of people laughed, I was alone so it made me feel worse. Now I walk slowly to make sure the doors will open!


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Focaccia Surprise By JohnnyB

This is a true story. I went to my favourite bakery/café one weekend, and I decided on a salami focaccia sandwich. I took a seat, half unwrapped the cling film and took a bite. It was very good. I eagerly went for another bite. But this time, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. It looked like a hair in the filling, but in a blink it was gone. So I made a second attempt. However, I quickly changed my mind again, as 3 spider legs popped out from behind a piece of lettuce followed by the rest of the spider!

The sandwich dropped to the plate and the spider ducked back into the filling. In shock, I jumped up, pulled the film over the area and pushed down. The plate was soon dumped on the counter in front of an assistant. She looked puzzled. I lifted the film slowly and, as if on cue, the spider ran out of the filling onto the plate. The assistant moved back in fright. "Oh... oh... oh... my God!" she said.


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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A stylish little mind By Mollipops

My daughter is 5 and has an uncanny knack of making the mundane and everyday seem quite extraordinary.

Recently we were driving over speed humps in a shopping centre car park and she started giggling. When I asked her what was so funny, she said, "The car's got hiccups!"

And earlier this winter, we had a bad storm including hailstones, which were bouncing off the lawn. When my daughter saw them out the window, she squealed with delight and yelled, "There's popcorn on the grass!" (She was most disappointed when we explained what they really were!)

But the best of all was when she got out of the bath one evening last week. She draped the towel over her head, spread her arms wide and looked at herself in the mirror, saying, "Don't I look stylish?" When I laughed and asked her where she had got that word from, she replied, "I found it in my mind."

Well, of course!

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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He just cocked his leg..... By K C Princess

Living in tropical Darwin, visiting the beach is one of my favourite ways of staying cool and unwinding after the trials and tribulations of each day.

The sunsets are magical.

On this particular afternoon, having ridden down to our local beach, my son headed off to look for some treasures to add to our collection and I plonked my weary self on the fine grainy sand in quite a central spot so that I could keep an eye on my little one, whilst I began to unwind.

I quickly lost myself in my surroundings. I loved the sound of the waves gently lapping on the shore and watching people exploring the cliffs on either side of the beach. This was just great... and the sun had started it's urgent descent into the wet, warm ocean.

I was mesmerised... it's brilliant orange glow was engulfing me and everything around just started fading, as all I could see and feel was this beautiful orange ball in the sky that had drawn me in. I tilted my face towards it, and it's warmth caressed me, but what was that hot stream on my back??

To my absolute horror, free amusement to other fellow beach visitors, and his owner's total dismay - a very big dog decided to cock his leg and relieve himself directly on me.

Suffice to say I was quickly returned to reality!


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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What is the world coming too? By Sausage Roll

Recently, when I went to one of those scottish restaurants with the golden arches outside - that are everywere, I saw on the menu that you could place an order for 6, 9 or 12 chicken nuggets.

I asked for half a dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets", said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"

"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six nuggets.

Later that same day I was at the checkout of my local supermarket with a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking at it all over to find the barcode so she could scan it.

Not finding the barcode she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

She said "Ok" and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue what had just happened...

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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HJ Ute By I am Jus Me

About 15 years ago my dad bought an HJ ute that had been in a bingle. It needed new quarter panels, bonnet, nose cone etc. He bought all new parts and proceeded to rebuild the ute. Weeks went by and finally after being painted it was ready.

He had been doing the work in the large shed detached from the house on our rural property. He drove it over to the carport of the house so he could wash it. Mum and I were inside and heard an almighty bang.

Dad had forgotten to bleed the brakes and had driven into the brick wall of the house... needless to say... another new bonnet, nose cone, 2 guards and more paint...

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

Hello

Never stand on a waterbed near a window! By Sari

After weeks of no sleep, compliments of the neighbours partying every night from dusk to dawn, I was starting to get quite angry. Any action that I had taken to get them to quieten down had proved ineffective.

A few weeks ago, the partying was louder than ever before. The party-goers decided to take their party outside... which was right beneath my bedroom window. They had loud music, were yahooing, and using foul language (which I didn't need my children to hear). They started having a mud fight at 3am. I had had enough!

I decided to yell at them out my window, but being a shorty, I couldn't quite reach. I stood on my waterbed, so that I could see out and give them a blast. I have never been one to master surfing, so should have heeded that warning. When I stood on the bed, my lack of co-ordination didn't go well with the waterbed rocking to and fro under my feet. I lost my footing, fell against the flyscreen in the window, which promptly fell out, and I followed it! My years of falling off gymnastic equipment finally came in handy... as I managed to hook my feet under the bedhead, to stop me falling out the whole way, and landing head first on the cement.

So rather than quieting the neighbours, I ended up red faced, as they had a birds eye view of me hanging out of the upstairs window, with my night shirt hanging over my head, causing them to fall in fits of laughter! My pride was shot, and I had a belly full of bruises for weeks!

I have since sold my waterbed and purchased an ensemble. I will be ready for them next time!.

-- > Man

[Man]

View Point

Hello

Drive Safer! By Rachiebabe

Recently in my lovely town of Mackay and surrounding areas we have had too many fatal road accidents. I am a 28 year old mother of two children who take themselves to school, and with my husband leaving for work every morning I cringe whenever I hear the sirens start up in the area. I can't relax until at least 9:00 am when I'm confident that everyone is where they are supposed to be and that no-one has rung to give me bad news.

Too many people are driving around with their minds on other things and not concentrating on the job at hand. I am urging all drivers to relax, take your time and watch what you're doing. Too many lives are being lost for no reason!

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

THE opening of home-economics classes to boys several years ago brought new experiences to Donna O'Bryant, a teacher at Dowling High School in West Des Moines, Iowa. During one class, four football players asked, after rolling out a crust, "How do you get it into the pan?" Since that had already been discussed, she replied, "That's your problem. Figure it out." And so they did. "One, two, three, hut!" While one held the inverted pie tin on the rolled-out crust, the other three picked up the table and turned it over in midair. Out from under the table came a perfectly centered piecrust. The following day the anonymous pies were judged. Guess which won first prize!

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

AFTER I purchased my pickup truck, I bought a book on gasoline engines to avoid being ripped off at the service station. The first time I took the truck in for repairs, I smugly wrote down what the problem was and what needed to be fixed. That night, when I returned for the truck, I found this note attached to the windshield: "I fixed the problem in your truck, but in order for me to fix the problem you described, you'll have to bring in the lawn mower. I suggest you go back a couple of chapters. My wife has the same book."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

A FRIEND of ours applied to have his boat registered. After getting no response for some time, he phoned the agency in question. The young woman he spoke to was savvy and polite. "Hold on a moment and I'll check," she said. She came back on the line seconds later, having located his application. She told him it had been acted on and was ready to be returned to him. She apologized for the delay. Overwhelmed at this display of competence and good manners, he thanked her, adding, "This is the first time I have ever received such efficient and courteous treatment at the hands of a government agency." "Oh, thank you," she said. "I guess it's just that I'm new here."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

DURING my career in the federal public service, numerous directives, often couched in administrative jargon, were issued. Having served their purpose, these were usually relegated to the wastebasket. But one which I could never bring myself to discard concluded with this thought-provoking postscript: "This circular replaces circular 1959-36 which has never been distributed."



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

A POSTER in a London subway advertising a typing-error corrector was headlined: NOBODY'S PERFCT. Right underneath, someone had written: SPEAK FOR YOURSLEF



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

A NOTICE in a Fonthill, Ont., self service laundry reads:
FOR WORKING CLOTHES ONLY. Below it someone had written: MINE ARE UNEMPLOYED.


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

SIGN at dining-room entrance of a hotel: "NO SHORTS OR BATHING SUITS ALLOWED. PLEASE REMOVE BEFORE ENTERING."


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

SCRAWLED by a mechanic on a wall in a bus garage: "We have ways of making you walk."


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

ATTACHED to a pole by the side of a two-lane regional road near my home in Mississauga, Ont., a sign announced: "This road may be widened to 4 lanes." After months of unchanged conditions, the addition of a second sign brightened the day of passing motorists: ". . . on the other hand it may not!"


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

WHILE I was working at a fitness club, a co-worker was showing a new member around. Turning to the trainer the woman said, "I don't feel comfortable here. I feel fat, ugly and not properly dressed. Everyone seems to be thin, beautiful and wearing the nicest aerobic outfits." In an attempt to make the unhappy woman feel at home, the fitness trainer replied, "You shouldn't feel that way. Not everyone here is the way you describe. Look at the fat man riding the bicycle over there. He's not well dressed." The woman stared at the trainer and said, "That's my husband."


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

I WAS talking to a new acquaintance at a dinner party, and the conversation got around to unemployment. "You know, it's really sad," she said, "when so many people are out of work, and here I am living off the fat of the land." "How do you manage that?" I asked. She lowered her voice to a confidential whisper and replied, "I'm an aerobics instructor."


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

OUR waistlines were getting larger, so a group of us sedentary executives started a lunch hour workout session. We called ourselves "Middle Management."


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

MY HUSBAND, an exercise enthusiast who spends an hour and a half at an athletic club every morning before work, encouraged a middle-aged - and quite overweight - friend to join him for his morning sessions. The co-worker decided not to tell his wife about his new project until after he had shed some weight, and he faithfully began meeting my husband at 6 a.m. every day. At the end of the first week, the friend's wife of many years rolled over in bed and offered this parting advice: "I don't know where you're going, dear, or what you're doing. But just remember: You aren't used to it."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

EVERY morning my father, an early riser who enjoyed keeping in shape, sprinted the four blocks from our house to the bus stop, carrying his briefcase. One evening at a social function in the neighbourhood, he overheard one man telling another, "There's a fella living up the block who has to run like a madman for the bus every morning - he'd save himself a lot of trouble if he only had the good sense to get out of bed five minutes earlier."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

As embarrassing as it is...this is ridgy didge true! By Sari

One morning I awoke and stumbled out of my bedroom to find a snake behind the wall unit in my hallway. It had a black and yellow tail with it's head hidden behind the unit. After screaming blue murder and gathering my children on top of the kitchen table, I proceeded to ring every darn place in the phone book that I thought could help me get rid of it.

"After screaming blue murder and gathering my children on top of the kitchen table..."

I rang everyone, from government departments to the police, even the RSPCA. No-one had anyone that could come and get the snake. After several hours on the kitchen table, the snake still had not moved. I figured he may have swallowed a mouse and was stuck.

Desperately in need of a bathroom break (we couldn't use ours as it would have meant walking past the snake) we bundled into the car and went down and used the one at KFC. We returned home to find that the rotten snake was still there.

One last desperate phone call (at around 5pm) was made to a pest control company. Yes... (thank goodness) they did have a man that could remove the snake, but he was off duty, and lived about 45 minutes out of town. A fair bit of begging later, we arranged for the man to come into town... and I was prepared to pay ANYTHING!

"I was cringing in the kitchen so that I didn't have to view the vicious man-eating reptile with big gnashing teeth."
The nice man rocked up about an hour later and had a look. He went back out to his van and got a torch and came back in for another look. I was cringing in the kitchen so that I didn't have to view the vicious man-eating reptile with big gnashing teeth. After a few minutes I heard a burst of laughter come from the loungeroom. I failed to see any humour in the situation, but called out to see if the man was ok. He sauntered into where I was cowering in the kitchen... with a plastic snake! The rotten thing wasn't real! He was laughing so hard he had tears running down his face.

He wouldn't allow me to pay him as he felt I had been punished enough... although I did at least manage to get him to take $20 for petrol. I had spent the day on the kitchen table and making bathroom visits at the local KFC for nothing. I told the man he could keep the "snake" and to this day I have no idea how it got there.

Several years later, I had moved when I got a pest control mob in to do my place for rodents. Who should I get? The same man that had "caught" my plastic snake... and no, he hadn't forgotten!

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Superpuss to the rescue By Frikion

I'd like to to share a true story of how my cat Neelix saved my girlfriend's life.

A couple of years ago i was working late one night in Melbourne. It was 1:30 am when I got a call from my very distressed girlfriend.

She begins to tell me that she went to bed at about 11:30, only to be woken up an hour later by a very vocal Neelix, meeowing and climbing all over her. Thinking he just wasn't satisfied with his earlier meal, she pushed him off and threw a pillow at him. Not detered, Neelix kept pestering, getting quite agitated himself. After 10 minutes of being constantly hassled, she got up still half asleep and quite cranky, only to find the lounge room on FIRE!

In shock, through the smoke she saw my stereo speaker and the curtains fully ablaze. Jumping into action on a full adrenalin rush she woke the old lady next door, yelling at her to call the fire brigade. She bounded back inside and actually managed to get the fire out using all available doonas & scattered clothes, just as the fire truck arrived.

The cause of the fire was an incense burner left alight on top of the speaker (a lesson for all). The end result was complete destruction of the speaker, curtains, carpet, many doonas and severe wall damage. Not to mention the small but painfull burns on her arms and legs. The fireman said another couple of minutes and there would have been no stopping it, and the severity of the smoke would have rendered her unconcious. Neelix was hailed as the hero of the night by the fireman, needless to say he was showered with gifts and the finest pussy cat cuisine for many months after.

A happy ending thanks to a fluffy hero!


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

A funny thing happened... By Sue

I would like to share this very funny story with all my fellow EmailCash members!

My sister and brother-in-law were in the ostrich farming business a few years ago, and as my sister was also a devoted horse rider, therefore owning a horse float, they would transport their ostriches in the float for short trips.

One evening they were moving four ostriches in the float, when a car behind them began flashing their lights at them and beeping their horn. My sister and her hubby decided they had better pull over to see if something had gone amiss with the float, etc. The other car also stopped, and the driver of that car rushed up to my brother-in-law (who had gone to the back of the float by this time) and said, "Look you obviously had no idea but we thought we'd better stop you to tell you your horse is in big trouble..."

My brother-in-law just stood there not knowing what to say, when the other guy continued by telling him that his 'horse' was upside-down!

Needless to say that the very helpful and well meaning stranger was feeling very sheepish once he realised the four legs of the 'horse' were actually the necks and heads of the ostriches!!

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Shark Bait By Troyster

After dropping out of high school and losing all direction I decided to work on my father's fishing trawler to try and get my life together.

After being on the boat for six months I had experienced some of the most wonderful things imaginable... from swimming with wild dolphins to snorkeling with giant gropers. Now when ever the weather got a little rough we would anchor up for a few days in a nearby reef and wait out the bad weather.

On this one particular trip there was also a cruiser in the same reef doing a bit of reef fishing. Needless to say we became friendly with our fellow sea-goers and they had anchored up behind us.

On one particular day the skipper of the cruiser had been up early and caught a rather large bounty of reef fish. He was filleting them as we woke and proceeded to go for our morning swim. An hour later my father joined us to do some snorkeling. After being gone for 20 minutes he resurfaced to announce that some 30 feet below us was a 10 foot tiger shark dining on fish carcasses that were generously being donated by our friends on the cruiser. Well you have never seen 4 people get out of the water so fast in your life. In fact by the time we hit the deck of the boat we were dry.

After this experience I have earned a great respect for sharks... if they are left alone they will do the same to us


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Imaginary Mum By SuperDin

I was walking around the local supermarket with my four year old when she informed me she didn't want me as her mum anymore. Feeling rather rejected I asked why and was told she wanted a mum who let her do and have whatever she wanted.

"Where do you think you will find a mum like that?" I asked.

"In my imagination" came the quick reply.


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Dry Clean??? By Moose

My six year old son (who can read quite well now) came to me the other day looking puzzled. I asked him what was wrong and he replied, "The tag on my towel says Do Not Dry Clean."

"Yes, and why is that a problem?" I asked.

"I'm always clean when I dry myself.".


-- > Man

[Man]

Legend

Hello

A tennis legend forever! By Clucas

One of my idols is the gracious tennis champion, Monica Seles. When Monica walks out onto a tennis court her intensive attitude excites all spectators and makes for a very competitive match, at least from Seles anyway!

What Monica possesses that is both rare and unique on the WTA tennis circuit is that even after all her success and hardships she still manages to stay focused in every match and is always determined to win every point she plays.

Monica's phenomenal work ethic, ability to hit winners and tenaciousness has earned her the success that she deserves. These attributes are vital to all competitive sports people and they should be observed by young, aspiring athletes of all denominations.

Although there has been much speculation about Monica's retirement she has confirmed that she will be playing the Australian Open in January 2003 which must indicate that she has an intention of leaving Melbourne a winner and adding a 5th Aussie Open to her collection.

Unfortunately I feel that the pure dominance of the Seles era is coming to a sad end and I know that I will always remember Monica Seles as the admirable tennis champion who achieved great success and the love of so many tennis fans! I will refuse to remember this remarkable tennis player and human being as the champion that was deprived of so much more!

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes


Hello

Policeman`s Laughter By Kate1979

When I was younger, I was in the backseat of the car with my two younger sisters driving home from a family holiday.

About 45 minutes from home, my mother (who was driving the car) was pulled over for a random breath test by a local policeman.

My middle sister, who was seven, turned and looked at myself and my youngest sister with eyes wide open as the policeman approached the car.

"He's got a gun!" she whispered.

Upon winding down the window to blow into the unit, the friendly policeman was greeted with my youngest sister frantically saying, "Please sir, don't shoot the children!"

The poor policeman had to get his partner to administer the test, he was laughing so hard. My mother struggled to blow, as she was so embarrassed!!
!

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes


Hello

My Wee Man By Alli
My little man, just turned 5, was recently named the top fundraiser of his primary school for their yearly fun run. Called up in front of his entire school, to accept his certificate, the principal said to him, "I am so proud of you."

My boy looked him in the eye, shook his hand and said, "And I am so proud of you too."



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes


Hello

Bhagawath Chandrashekar, affectionately called as Chandra. He was one of the finest Leg Spinners of all times And In his Era, Erapalli Prasanna, Bish Bedi, And Srinivasan Venkatraghavan =- till a few years ago An Umpire of Par Excellence in the I C C Panel. These four formed the famous Spin Quartet in the 1960s - 1980s.

During the tour of New Zealand, In an Era of home umpires officiating, New Zealand Umpires were Notorious for biased umpiring. Well Chandra got the bats man caught, not out declared Umpire, then Chandra bowled a superb delivery to have the batsman caught napping plumb in front of the woicket, Still Not out declared the Umpire. Then Chandra got one past through the gate and into to the wicket, Clean Bowled ; Still Chandra Turned round and appealed " Howzzat, Umpire ", Umpire said, he is bowled. Pat responded the Soft Spoken Chandra, " Yes I know, But Is He Out? "Umps was stumped. Gently and Subtly made a point to the Umpire.


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes


Hello

Bhagawath Chandrashekar, affectionately called as Chandra.

He Loved the songs of Mukesh and he usewd to hum the songs while delivering his ball, a longish run up, almost half a down to the boundry.

Literally on a song. And many a time to encourage Chandra, Crowd used to play Mukesh songs. Once Chandra got a wicket and he was more interested in the song of Mukesh which was being played. He asked one of the two, Prassanna or Bedi, Which song was it.

That is Chandra.

And years ago met with an Scooter Accident, never fully recovered and at that point of time still playing for his Bank.

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.

One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

WE OWN and operate a goat dairy, and every spring brings an influx of city visitors to see the kids. We had just taken time from our chores one afternoon to show some new arrivals to an interested couple. One very agile goat shot out of the gate, leaped with all four feet into the air, twisted sideways, and then bounded stiff-legged across our freshly planted garden.

"Oh, look!" shouted the woman with delight. "He's gamboling!" "Yeah," growled my husband in hot pursuit. "With his life!"

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

WHILE working at a living-history farm, a colleague and I demonstrated cheese making. We explained how to set the milk, add rennet, strain off the whey and press the curds. At the end of our talk, we asked if the visitors had any questions. After a short silence, a little girl piped up, "Since you know so much about curds and whey, what's a tuffet?"

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

As A farmer, my brother in-law often receives shipments of young poultry through a mail-order service. One Saturday he headed to the post office to pick up a shipment due that day. When he returned empty handed, my sister asked him what had happened. "Well," he replied, "it's like they always say — the chick's in the mail."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

ROBERT BATEMAN, internationally acclaimed artist and naturalist, was working on a painting of a lioness and cub and wanted to portray them in as natural an environment as possible. He recalled an old apple tree not far from his rural southern Ontario home that was reminiscent of trees he had seen in Africa. Packing his painting supplies in the station wagon, he prepared to go, having previously roughed in the lioness on the canvas. While he was working, a farmer and his son stopped by to watch him. Seeing their surprise at what was in the painting, Bateman said, "You should have been here half an hour ago!"

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

A FARMER married a woman who was forever correcting his use of words. One evening he told her he had a friend named Bill he wanted her to meet. "Don't call him Bill," she prompted, "call him William." When the friend arrived the farmer said, "I'd like to tell you a tale." "Not tale," she interrupted. "Say anecdote." That night the farmer asked his wife to put out the light. "Not put out," she corrected. "Say extinguish." Later in the night she awakened her husband to investigate a noise she had heard. "What is it?" she asked when he returned. "It was only a William goat," he replied carefully, "which I took by its anecdote and extinguished."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

I WAS visiting my in-laws for the first time at their remote farm in northern Ontario. After the long nine-hour drive, I was hot and wanted a shower, but was told that the only source of water was a well about 100 meters from the house. "You mean you don't have any running water!" I exclaimed. "Sure we do," said my mother-in-law. "You take a pail and run on down to the well, and then you run on back with your water."

--> Anecdote of somebody

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[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

HAVING been born and raised in the big city, my fiancé was not too familiar with country life. When I took her home to the farm for a visit and was showing her around, I pointed to a distant farm house and explained that they were my closest neighbours. She, knowing only the ways of the city, inquired, "Have you ever met them?"

--> Anecdote of somebody

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[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

MANY years ago my father's neighbor, who had always farmed with horses, decided to catch up with the times and buy a tractor. His wife was convinced that the purchase was unnecessary. After they had argued about it for several weeks, she exclaimed in frustration, "But you don't need a tractor!" "I know I don't need a tractor," he retorted. "I didn't need you, but I wanted you!" He got the tractor.

--> Anecdote of somebody

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[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

I WAS bicycling on back roads in a small town and stopped at a store to ask directions. The elderly store owner told me, "Go six kilometers until you see Jack's big, white farmhouse on the left. The road you want goes off to the right." After a pause, he added, "Jack's dog will help you choose the right road."

--> Anecdote of somebody

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

ONE warm day I asked my teenage nephew, who came from the city to work on the farm, to help me weed the garden. He soon became bored with the job. I suggested to him that he listen to the beautiful sounds in the trees and surrounding area. "Aunty," he said, "I hate country and western music."

--> Anecdote of somebody

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[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

WILLIAM and Alexander were neighbouring farmers in a part of Scotland where my late husband spent his childhood. In the evening Alexander would visit William and after greeting each other they would settle down in easy chairs on either side of the fireplace. Then they would light up their pipes and start reading the daily paper. The visit would last for perhaps an hour or two, then Alexander would get up to go home, saying, "We'el William, we've had a grand think."

--> Anecdote of somebody

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

"IS IT true you have four grain harvests a year in Russia?" "Yes. One comes from Russia, one from Hungary, one from Canada and one from the United States."

--> Anecdote of somebody

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Pardon Me By Mollipops

My 3 year old son was excitedly talking about the dinosaur he had just seen on TV. As he was a late talker and is still catching up, I wanted to encourage him further and kept asking questions. Eventually the topic turned to dragons.

"Vragons have big fire!" he told me.
"Oh yes, and where does the big fire come from?" I asked, expecting to hear about dragon mouths and teeth.
He thought about it seriously for a moment, and then exclaimed loudly, "Big burp!"


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Cost of Living By Mollipops

While out driving, a friend's five year old daughter was pondering what she would do with the extra pocket money she got for Christmas. She decided she would save some in her moneybox, and asked her mum why it was good to save.

Her mum told her that if she saved up lots of money, she could buy something nice when she grows up, like a holiday or a car.

Miss five looked around at the surrounding traffic, as if sizing up which car she might like. Thinking on this a moment, she then asked how much cars cost. My friend told her it would cost about $20,000 for a nice new little car.

Her jaw dropped in horror. "Twenty thousand dollars!" she exclaimed, "No way then, I'll catch the bus!"


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Mere Male by Aussie Deb

We lived on the NSW central coast and owned our own business in Sydney. I was 8 months pregnant and staying at home at this stage. I was really hanging out for some chocolate paddle pops and asked hubby to bring some home with him. Our telephone was situated at the front window of our home, overlooking the road.

At the time I was expecting my paddle pops home he rang me from his mobile and informed me he was caught in a traffic jam at St Ives and would be a couple of hours getting home. While I was talking to him, looking at the road, he drove by with 3 mates in the car, heading towards the local RSL club. If he hadn’t rung at that time I would not have seen him. I gave him 5 minutes, rang the club and they paged him saying, "his name, your wife wants those paddle pops". Apparently the whole club laughed and he was home in a jiffy.


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Jinxed Herself By Undecided

One day my mum, my sister and I went shopping on a cold and rainy day and just before we walked into the shopping centre my sister complained that her shoes were worn out and that she'd slip over in them. But mum just ignored her and walked into the shopping centre, then my sister followed her, with me trailing behind.

Then all of a sudden, before anyone could do anything my sister slipped over, right onto her bum. I was laughing so hard it hurt, and my mum was even laughing. Then my mum got really worried so she insisted on taking her to get checked out by the people who worked there. When asked by the cute man where it hurt my sister just replied "my bottom". Which made the ordeal even more embarrassing for her. In the end my mum felt so bad that she bought her a new pair of shoes.



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Amazing Escape By chery

I live in Canberra and the bushfires came pretty close. Many people lost their homes or gardens but many more survived.

The most incredible thing occurred when a house roof caught fire nearby! Disastrous, even tragic, one might think! But wait... there's more.

These people had a solar hot water system. The fire and heat caused it to explode and guess what? The water completely quenched the flames! How's that for an amazing escape?



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Miracles Do Happen By Carrots

Since learning to use a home computer in the last 3 years, I have regained my relationship with my family in England (I live in Sydney), especially my sister Pam. We were never close as kids but now try to make up for lost time via the Internet.

Also my sister told me of a site in England - Friends Re-united - and after 40 years through a lot of hard work I have also tracked down my first real best friend. A girl by the name of Kate. The 40 years feel like they have never passed as we now email each other on a regular basis and try to fill in the missing years.

It really is a miracle for me anyway, especially as I grew up in children's homes for most of my childhood and the few happy memories that I do have I have clung on to firmly. I never had a good relationship with my parents and Kate was more like a dear sister to me.

We lost touch when I left home then I married young and emigrated to Australia. It is so great to be able to catch up on everything that has happened to us both over the years, and to be able to now keep in touch just by turning on the computer. Isn't technology a wonderful thing!



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Mother`s Saving Grace By Aylaah

This is just a small event in our lives that has really made us stop and wonder.

We all have different views on religion, the afterlife and death, and at 21, I am still not sure what mine are. I have a very logical brain and this causes a lot of natural discounting to anything I can't see or prove, which makes 'believing' difficult, yet I still hope there is more to life than the 80 or so years we get here (on average).

This story is related to that and is one to make us wonder about what might happen when we leave.

My 91-year-old great grandmother had a tragic public fall in February and passed away 4 days later. While she had otherwise been extremely healthy for her age, the fall caused a fractured skull and severe brain trauma. My mother and her were very close and she was very much like my own mother’s mother, not grandmother, and naturally my mother was devastated by the news.

My mum had always referred to my great grandmother as Nin, which came about when she was just a child. Being the first grandchild, the name stuck and it is what she was called by even some friends, and her own children.

My youngest child Xanthe never got to meet Nin, and was only 1 year old when she passed away. My own mother has been Nanna to her 7 grandchildren for 17 years and all the children called her by that.

When my mother returned from the funeral, the first time she saw Xanthe since the death, my daughter out of the blue began to call my mother, Ninna. She had been saying Nanna to her for quite a while and she hadn't heard us talking about the death, or anything related to Nin, and she was not aware of her existence.

The move my daughter made to start calling my mother Ninna, has helped my own mum’s grief substantially, although it has stunned us all.

I don't know how she learned the name or knew to apply it to my mother. It is a clear difference in sound from what she used to say and as a second child she speaks very well for someone who has just turned 2 years old. We refer to my mother as Nanna or Nan and still she responds with her version, Ninna.

What is your opinion? All I know is that the ultimate outcome is that my mother’s grief has been somewhat softened since my daughter began to call her this new name, and for that I am grateful to her, coincident, divine intervention or otherwise.



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The Unexplainable By Lizbeth

Some thing brought to mind something that happened to me a few years ago.

I had just left my first husband. I was hurting very badly and confused and anxious. I’m sure a few EmailCash members know what I mean. I had gone to Canberra to start again and had just moved into a friend-of-a-friend’s place as a boarder.

It was quite early in the morning and I was in bed asleep. I woke into a doze with the knowledge that someone – a male presence – was standing at the door of my room. I felt him move to the end of my bed and his knee brushed the corner as he stepped around to the side of the bed. I then felt him sit on the edge of the bed and put a reassuring hand on my leg. When I opened my eyes there was no one there but I felt the pressure of his hand and his weight on the bed.

A warm feeling of peace came over me and I woke fully, feeling better about myself than I had in a very long time.

I cannot explain what happened – only that it was real. All I can think of is that my guardian angel felt it was necessary to make me aware of his presence so that I could reshape my life.

I am not entirely sure of my beliefs, but something out there cares for me and watches over me.

.



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Kindness In The Subway By Brangwen

I take the train to work and trudge through the station and along the streets with all the other nameless others, rarely receiving a smile or even a glance. My opinion of humanity was slowly dropping. However, today that all changed.

I was at the train station, and it had been raining, so everything was wet and slippery. There is one escalator that is quite long and people like to be speedy and walk down it, but there was a jam at the bottom today. When I got to the end I discovered why. An elderly man has slipped and hit his head on the ground, and was bleeding profusely. I wanted to help him, until I realised that he already had three wonderful people looking after him. Two were big burly looking men, standing either side to protect him and keep sticky beaks moving, and another older gentleman who was sitting on the ground in the wet, holding a handkerchief on his bleeding head.

I doubt those gentlemen will read this, but if by chance they do, I just wanted to say thankyou. You've made me believe in human kindness again.
.



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The Runner By Clarky

My next door neighbour, whom I have lived next to for 15 years, recently found a wallet full of $100 notes. $5000 all up. My neighbour has been going for morning runs for over 30 years and never found anything unusual. He turned the wallet in to the police and it turned out that the fingerprints matched those of a bank robber. My neighbour was awarded $10,000 for his work.
.



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Photo By Kean

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
.



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Kids! By Poppy

My daughter, grandson Bradley, and I were in the supermarket buying something quick and easy for tea. My daughter settled on a roasted chicken, and if you have ever bought one of those, you will know, they don't smell terrific. I took my basket full to one checkout, my daughter went to the next one, and Bradley came with me. Without warning (five year old children are expert at that) Bradley screwed up his nose and yelled, "Ew! Grandma, did you fart?"

Amid much snickering of checkout girls, I said, "No, I did not!"

Not to be deterred he called to his mum. "Mum, did you fart?"

More snickering as my daughter said no and added, "It's the chicken."

Bradley tittered and said, "I think she's fibbing, dead chickens can't fart."


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Nuts About You By Yuen

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


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A Child's Logic By Mollipops

I told my 4-year-old son he had to have a bath and wash his hair, and of course he wanted to know "why?" I said it was because it had been warm and he had had a big day. He thought about this for a moment and then said, "So if I have a little day, I don't have to have a bath?"
.


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What Not To Do When You See A Spider By Kate1979

I remember when we were kids, everyone had this fixation on climbing on the roofs of things; houses, cars, sheds, whatever our little legs could find. one day, my younger sister and I decided that it was vital to climb on the neighbour's shed roof with the older neighbour boys. We thought that the view was magnificent until... the spider incident.

Those huge garden orb spiders can look terrifying at the best of times, particularly to a seven year old on the roof of a shed with one in between you and the ground. The boys were alerted to the spider, and quickly hurried to the ground. I remember thinking that they would just kill it, knock it off with a stick or something... no. Apparently, they were as scared as we were. After rummaging in the shed and ordering us off the roof, I watched in interest as the spider was coated in turpentine. At that age, not knowing what this meant, I was stunned to see the spider suddenly set alight!

I learned a few valuable lessons that day:
1. Spiders do not die instantly when they are on fire;
2. A spider on fire is capable of running in a garden;
3. An alight spider running can indeed set fire to garden foliage.

You can imagine the looks on the faces of the parents when they came outside to see what the commotion was about, and found the boys, garden hose in hand, frantically trying to put out a small grass fire. All because... we didn't like a spider.

So don't be scared, I can guarantee you... we do more damage to them.

.


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Where's My Free Cholesterol? By Jlj972

My 9 year old son was sitting on the lounge last night finishing off a packet of pringle style chips when he says, "Mum, what is a c-h-o-l-e-s-t-e-r-o-l?" spelling out the word. "Why?" I replied thinking it to be a strange question coming from him. "Because I didn't get my free one in this packet of chips." once I had recovered from fits of laughter I explained to him what cholesterol was. His reply was "I thought it was a sheriff's badge or something." The cholesterol free sign on the packet had been displayed inside a star!.


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It Seems Karma May Really Work By Tiggerlover

Sunday Night

The husband and I went over the family finances and decided some tightening of the belt is required. We discussed ways of saving money including taking our lunches, milk, coffee & sugar to work and not buying.

Monday Afternoon

I was waiting in line at the supermarket to buy a few small items. The young man in front tried to calculate how much it would cost for his few items while his toddler munched on a cheese stick in his stroller. The check-out lady rung up his order and it was obviously too much because he set aside the lentils, buckwheat and carrots, paid for the rest with quite a collection of coins and slowly walked away.

It was my turn to pay for my items and on the spur of the moment, I told the check-out lady to add the man's 3 items to my bill and put them in a separate bag. I walked out of the shop, found the man and said, "Excuse me, you left this behind." Handing him the bag, I walked away quickly - strange as it may sound, I was embarrassed at this impulsively kind thing I was doing and didn't want to seem condescending or pitying. I certainly wasn't looking for thanks - I just realised that for all my supposed money troubles, I was fortunate enough that the $5 for his items wouldn't really be missed by me.

Tuesday Morning

I picked up the mail. Opening one of the envelopes, $5 fluttered out. I had won it in a competition.

Maybe there really is something to this Karma thing, after all...



-- > Man

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My Most Embarrassing Moment: A True Story By Gold Girl

When people ask me what is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me I know exactly how to respond...

A few years ago I was studying at university and preparing for the final exams. on the day of one particularly difficult exam I was very tired from staying up most of the night studying. In my desperation to get ready as quickly as possible for my exam and to allow as much time before the exam for me to cram in a few last minute key facts, I threw on the jeans I was wearing the day before.

I was standing outside the exam room talking with a group of about eight fellow students when I happened to look down towards the ground. Imagine my horror when I noticed sitting at the end of my shoe was the pair of pink frilly undies that I had worn the previous day! My exclamation of panic caused everyone else to look down and spy my undies on my shoe. By this stage I was absolutely mortified, so I quickly bent down, grabbed the undies and stuffed them in my bag. I looked up at everyone and laughed... in fact I was so embarrassed and mortified all at once that I continued to laugh uncontrollably for the entire exam.

Needless to say I didn't do well in that exam, but I did learn a valuable lesson - make sure you take off your undies after you have removed your jeans rather than at the same time as unfortunate events could ensue!!


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I Do By Crissy

My boyfriend of three years and I had a huge fight one night and I got hardly any sleep. The morning next I was so miserable, I honestly thought it was all over. But he made me sit down and we talked it out, we both came to the conclusion that we didn't want to live or be without each other. I broke down and cried. He grabbed my hand (I was sitting across from him on the other sofa) and pulled me over onto his lap and said while hugging me, "Guess there is only one thing left to do. Marry me?"

I burst into tears -- I'm crying now, I'm that happy-- and said "yes" and he looked me in the eye and said "really?"

"Yes, of course I will."

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Bolt From The Blue By Jordie2000

Well in case you ever wondered if those unexpected childbirth stories are true, I can verify it for you. I now have a healthy 3-year-old boy, who was born in the hospital toilet at Joondalup in Perth. I had gone to the hospital on my birthday of all days with serious bad pains in my abdomen, which I thought was appendicitis or something like that.

Well now we all know what the cause of the pain was, it was a baby! And did we have the fright of our lives, I don't now who's face was the funniest... mine, my partner's or the nurses' that came to my rescue.

So it brings us to today, all of us happy and healthy. We wouldn't change a thing, except next time I might have a bit of warning.


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Winner By Shonamelissa

I was with my boyfriend outside the local chip shop when a man came running past with a large amount of $20 notes hanging out of his hands. As he ran past one of them dropped in front of us and we sat there with it pondering whether to go into the shop where he ran into and give it back, or to keep it. Feeling guilty, we went into the shop and returned it to him. He was extremely happy and gave us a $5 note each.

Being newly 18 my boyfriend decided to find the newsagent and gamble the money on a scratchy. We bought a $5 scratchy, and 5 $1 ones. Of course not expecting to win anything we scratched them quickly and barely looked at them. Quickly glancing at the $5 one, we saw 10,000, 10,000 and 100,000. So we threw it away. A little 8 year old girl was watching and pulled it out of the bin, looked at it, and came running back to us to show us we had won $10,000! Of course, we gave the girl $5, not much, but who knows, it got us lucky!

So just a tip to everyone, what goes around comes around, do the right thing and you will be rewarded.

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Rats Shopping Spree By Mouse23

My children and myself were shopping in our local Woolworths store when we came across my elderly aunt. We stood and chatted quite happily until my aunt let out a yell and screamed rats and seemed quite distressed. We looked around but could not see anything that resembled rats.

Meanwhile a small group of people had gathered wondering what the fuss was about. A shop assistant approached and asked what the problem was my aunt replied there are great big rats there under the shelves running up and down looking for food. The shop assistant got down on his knees to investigate the sighting of rats. When he stood up he reported to my all onlookers that there were no rats what my aunt was seeing was the shadow of people walking up and down the other aisle. Talk about embarrassing it took a while to shop in Woolworths again.



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Kids By Phoebe99

My nearly 3-year-old daughter had been sitting on my husband's shoulders for about 20 minutes. She then decided that she wanted to get down, but then complained about a saw foot. She kept saying "dots", "dots". It took a few minuted to realise that she had 'pins and needles'!!! Can you get any cuter than that?.



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On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."



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A FRIEND of mine who is a Canadian Forces chaplain tells this story:
A military aircraft had just reached its assigned 38,000 feet when suddenly and dramatically it dropped steeply to about half that altitude. A frightened soldier among the passengers turned to his seat mate, a chaplain. "Do something, padre!" he pleaded. "Relax, my boy," said the chaplain. "I'm sure we'll be all right." The soldier was not reassured. "Please, padre," he persisted. "Do something religious!" The chaplain smiled, then asked: "Would you like me to take up an offering?"



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A HELICOPTER rescue crew, helping people marooned by a blizzard in the Scottish Highlands, spotted a smoking chimney just above the snow. Landing, they made their way to the chimney and shouted down it that they were the RAF Rescue Team. Back came a voice: "Get away with you! I bought a flag off you people last week."


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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate."
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

An English gentleman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong person out of the window!"


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It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!" The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train." The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"


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All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend " My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said " Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

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Roses In The Snow By Shello

Heading off with friends to ski Mt Hotham we stopped at Mansfield to hire some equipment. Upon arrival at our chalet I discovered my wallet was missing with the contents being $300.00 amongst other things. We backtracked to the ski shops to check and no one had my wallet but one shop said they had found “a sum of money”.

A few days after returning home I received a call from a guy who had found my wallet on the side of the road near Mansfield complete with cash. He told me he had also lost exactly $300 himself somewhere on the way to the snow. How strange, I said, one of the ski shops had found some money. A day later he came around to return my wallet, gave me a big bunch of roses and told me he had also received his money back thanks to my information.

We both decided fate was telling us we were supposed to meet so went out on a date! I also learned that it's best not to leave your wallet on the car roof!


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Reassuring Doctors By Dartarrow

Whilst at the hospital I overheard a conversation between doctor and patient that made me smile:

The hospital patient was looking worried as he conversed with the doctor. I heard him ask "Are you sure it's pneumonia, doctor? I've heard of cases where a patient was treated for pneumonia and ended up dying of something else."

"Don't worry" said the doctor. "When I treat a patient of pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia."!


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Amazing But True By Michelletrex

I was working for a wholesale florist in the outer eastern suburb of Knox. Mostly my job involved cold calling on florists anywhere across Victoria of which there were hundreds to choose from. one stormy day my boss suggested that I stay in the office and ring and make appointments first, something I didn't normally do. So I randomly started ringing a few on the north side of Melbourne. on the second phone call... "Hello this is .. may I please speak to the owner..." then came the reply "I'm sorry but the florist was next door buying milk could I phone back".. Suddenly a strange feeling crept over me, the voice sounded so familiar.

I waited 10 mins and rang again, and I asked the now returned florist who it was that had answered the phone on my previous call. Turns out that my Mother had broken down outside of a group of shops and had wandered into a florist to use her phone to call my dad to come help her. She was waiting by the phone for his return call and that is when I happened to ring.

She had never met the florist before and I had never phoned them before. Amazing!


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What A Nice Funeral By Had Too

A very close family friend passed away in the country. So I organised to take my mother to the funeral, which would be a full day trip. only problem was my daughter was only about 3 at the time and I could not get a sitter. So off we went about 7.30 am for our 3-hour drive.

When we arrived we met up with my sister and her family, enjoyed a pub lunch and headed off to the funeral. once at the cemetery and the formalities were over, my darling little one turned and said at the top of her voice "This was a lovely day mummy can we do it again tomorrow". Fortunately for me the lady who passed away was in her 90's and everyone there just stood and laughed. I had thought of jumping in with her, talk about embarrassing. Now my baby is 12 and fortunately she keeps her mouth shut when we have to attend a funeral.


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Oh, How Embarrasing! By Chant

I went to a club after work. Not long after I got there I decided to go to the toilet. The toilets were empty, as it was so early in the day.
I went to the toilet, and just as I finished I looked up and realised, no toilet paper. Well I sat there for awhile waiting to see if anyone would come who I could ask for assistance... however no one came. So finally I decided I either had to shake... or make a run for the next stall with my underwear round my ankles.
I chose to make a run for it.
Halfway to the next stall a huge bunch of girls came in talking and giggling. All of a sudden they went quite and stopped dead in their tracks.
"No toilet paper!" I explained as I backed into the next stall turning red from embarrassment.
I left the pub straight after that and have never been back!



-- > Man

[Man]

True And A View Point

Hello

Wheelchair's and Scooters by Greenyman

Hi, I would like to tell you people out there why people who drive scooters and wheelchairs drive on roads.
I rely on an Electric wheelchair to get around, I find that driving on the road is much smoother than footpaths, footpaths are like torture. Imagine driving your car on a road with pot holes everywhere that’s what it fells like.
So when you see people driving their wheelchairs and scooters on the road remember footpaths are torture. Thanks, Peter


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!


Motherhood By COSMICANGEL

Well I am 6 months pregnant, and man-oh-man can you tell! It is my first time and am I getting all the advice in the world. I live in a small town and every man and his dog has some handy hints to tell me. Most of them are old wives' tales. For example, "The Ring Test" - to tell the gender of my child, all I have to do is pull a strand of hair from my head, thread it through my wedding band, and hold it above my ever-swelling belly. Then if the ring sways from left to right it will be a boy, but if it spins it will be a girl! I did it and apparently I am having a girl! To my surprise, the ultra-sound has revealed we are having a girl! Coincidence? Of course!


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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A Funny Thing Happened One Day... By Paragon

My four year old and I were playing "I Spy" in the car. It came around to her turn and she said "I spy with my little eye something beginning with... beginning with... umm... 'sigh'... when we get to a Zebra I'll tell you." I had to bite my lip not to laugh.!


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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From the Mouths of Babes by Tiera

An ad for a current affairs show involving illegal drugs came on television. My mother took the opportunity to raise the issue with my ten-year-old daughter, suggesting that she knew better than to try something like that. "Of course," she said. Then she added, "But what about you Nana, you're using heroin!"

My mother was aghast, how could the child think such a thing. Then the child pointed to the packet of Herron Blue that my mother had tried for her backache!


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!


Blown Away By MirandaS2

While holidaying in Adelaide with my family, we stopped in at a little cafe in Hahndorf. We were sitting there peacefully eating our morning tea, when I felt the sudden need to blow my nose. Little did I know that my step-dad was watching my every move, and just as I went to blow my nose, my step-dad cupped his hands around his mouth and made the loudest blowing noise you could think of. I was so embarrassed that I just went bright red and everyone in the little cafe just looked at me and laughed at the great joke!


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Learning Difficulty by Gran Joan

My six-year-old has just arrived from England and today was his first day at his new school. His comment to his mother on meeting his teacher and fellow pupils was, "It's going to be hard I think. They speak a different language


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Man's Best Friend By Par_Car

A couple of weeks ago I broke my foot doing something really stupid. You know, boys will be boys.

Now, as I was in the backyard throwing a ball to my 10-year-old female border collie, and as I have a broken foot, I was sitting on the ground and throwing the ball. After she got tired, which took a while, I decided to stand up. I didn't have my crutches at the time so I was standing on one leg. Instantly, my dog runs over to me and stands under my other leg supporting it like a foot stool. She must have known I had hurt it.

Then I went and sat on the couch, and she came along and started to lick my leg - like how a dog licks their wounds to heal.

I never expected a dog to know so much. I made sure she was rewarded for this.


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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You're History! By Jordy

I was talking to my daughter about her schoolwork. When I told her I liked History when I was at school she said, "But it's harder now, dad."

When I asked her why she replied, "'Cause there's more of it now than when you were at school."


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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The Greatest Compliment By Clairie

Last week we attended our very last parent-teacher night for our daughter, who is completing Year 12. Our son and daughter have both gone through the school with which we have had a 9-year association.

Upon arriving to meet with one teacher who had known both of them, I was greeted with, "Hello, can you please have more children?"


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Play It Again Sam By _Blue_

My sister-in-law bought one of those 'swing walkers'. My husband had to try it out, but he got on backwards. When he tried to get off, the swing swung out from under his legs and he fell off. That was funny enough, but when someone else came in, who hadn't seen it the first time, he demonstrated how he had gotten on, and then proceeded to fall off and land on his face again!


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Truancy By Janet_28

Do you have a child who refuses to go to school? I do. He is 14. Absolutely nothing is working to make him attend. I have had countless meetings, phone calls etc. with the school and the support services offered by the Education Department. He said he would go to another school and make a fresh start. Of course everyone knew this wouldn’t work but we obliged him.

Needless to say it didn’t work and he continues to play truant. I now find myself the recipient of a letter from the school stating in part: “Under the Education Act 1994, you are required to ensure that your child attends school every day unless there are genuine reasons for absences, such as illness.” The letter also states: “The Department of Education can undertake legal proceedings where there is evidence that a parent or carer is knowingly keeping their child from attending school regularly.”

In my case, I won’t be prosecuted because I have had almost daily contact with the school and/or Education Department authorities to try and find a solution. I have to say the people I have been in contact with have been brilliant and have gone above and beyond the call of duty.

My advice to all parents of truant children is to keep in close contact with the school and Education Department authorities - don’t ignore it and hope it will go away because it won’t and you may just find yourselves facing court.

Good luck ! !


-- > Man

[Man]

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Rural Living By Big Al
When I moved to the country from the city, my friends all said, "You'll be bored out there - you won't have anything to do." Another comment was, "I suppose you'll be kept busy watching the grass grow, and seeing paint dry!"

However, I've found since I've moved that life is a lot more interesting, and there seems to be less hassles than living in a city environment. The advantages are:

1. No traffic jams - although I do see an occasional tractor on the road where I live.
2. Great views, spectacular sunsets, and a wonderful appreciation of nature.
3. Friendly birdlife including galahs, parakeets, magpies, butcherbirds and sparrowhawks.
4. There are also a few cows in the paddock next door. These come in very handy for providing manure for the garden.
5. The neighbours are friendly and there are numerous invites to morning teas and dinners.

So take my advice - move to the country, you can be more self-sufficient and it is a better quality of life. ! !


-- > Man

[Man]

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Travelling Overseas by Go for it

A few years ago I was travelling overseas when I ran into some cricket fans. They were going home to England after following their team around Australia. I noticed they were wearing 'barmy army' tee-shirts and I thought I would like to buy one. I asked them where in England I could purchase them.

I was told, "Adelaide, outside the Oval." ! !


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Chewy By 2truck

Sitting in the lounge the other day, (blessed by having the grand-kids over) I noticed the two-year-old grandson chewing. I asked him, "What have you got in your mouth buddy?" and he said, "Chewy, poppy!"

As his mother was in the kitchen and she doesn't approve of chewing gum, I quickly and quietly asked him where he got it from.

Just as quickly he answered, "My nose, poppy." ! !


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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'Quit Smoking' Advice By Mara

I was at a friend's house, smoking outside, because I am aware of the health issues associated with smoking around others, particularly children.

My friend's 7-year-old son came outside to keep me company. He watched me for a few minutes before wisely advising that smoking is bad and it would be best if I gave up as soon as possible. Bemused, I agreed. He then continued on to recommend Nicabate CQ patches as a way to stop the cravings. I guess the company is doing a better job than I, as a teacher, at teaching children the pitfalls of smoking!. ! !


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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The Pinto Pony By Sesbear

Nearly four years ago I bought a cheap pony for my daughter. We all fell in love with him the minute we saw him; didn't even get out of the car before my partner and daughter had decided they were going to buy him. Anyway, we bought him and it wasn't until we went to load him into a float that we discovered why he was so cheap. A broken lead rope and many bruises later we decided to call the professionals to bring him home.

Once we got him home, we discovered he was too scared to leave his paddock and if you took him more than two metres away from his gate on the outside, he would panic and break out into a nervous sweat. Everyone told me to sell him and get something that was sane. Well to cut a long story short, everyone loved him so much that we kept him. He has taught us all patience, and now, nearly four years on, can be ridden out on the roads (with other horses and as long as no motorbikes come past) and is being used to teach a confident beginner to ride. He still has no ground manners and is a work in progress but has shown us that a little bit of patience and lots of love can help those who everyone else has given up on. ! ! !


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!


Snaky Story By Chatachik

I was in Darling Harbour recently with my boyfriend's family, and we were walking by a cafe that was Daintree themed. A man was out the front with what I thought was a fake snake, so I walked up to him to ask for a photo with the snake, as it looked real.

He was all for it and as I was posing the snake started moving onto my shoulder. I screamed and ran as fast as I could. My boyfriend's family were laughing so hard and I was so embarrassed. Needless to say I get teased every time I see them. ! ! !


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!





Boys Will Be Boys By Marta1

One morning while I was busy cleaning my house, I noticed that my then 3-year-old boy was very quiet. Every parent would know that too much calm is not good. So expecting the worst I went looking for my little troublemaker. It didn't take me long to find him, and when I saw him I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or cry. My little man had found the Vaseline jar and, having seen his father shave before, he thought he could do the same with the Vaseline. His face and hair were covered in it and when I asked for an explanation I was told, "Don't you know mum? I'm shaving my beard!"

Needless to say he had to have a bath and unfortunately for him it took lots of scrubbing and rubbing to get rid of all the Vaseline in his hair. His skin was nice and soft though ! ! !


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!


Christmas Card Blues By Mollipops

My 5 year old son was busy writing Christmas cards to his classmates. I was handing the envelopes to him to seal and address. After only completing about half a dozen, he sighed as I handed him another one.

"Aw," he complained. "I'm going to run out of lickness!" ! ! !


-- > Man

[Man]

True And A Thought

Hello


Equality by Gran Joan

In my job of survey interviewer, I meet a lot of different people from all walks of life and all too often I come across people who are so full of their own importance they are unaware of their own failings. The unfortunate thing is that children are influenced by their parents and grow up with the same beliefs. Often I quote my grandfather who told me, "There is nobody in this world better than you! And you are no better than anybody else." ! ! !


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Geez Louise! By Eve2004

I was at the markets the other day and I saw these really pretty loop earrings. I walked over to them and picked them up. They were 40c each (not for the pair) and they didn't match.

Nevertheless, I put them up to my ear and asked the stall-keeper whether they suited me.

She said, "They do, but they are wine bottle indicators - you put them on the neck of your wine bottle!" ! ! !



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Letter to Santa By Micmac

I have three children aged 2, 4 and 6 and I sat them down recently to write letters to Santa. The 6 year old went first, and enthusiastically reeled off about 10 things she wanted. I just copied that letter for the 2 year old and changed the name.

When it was my 4 year old son's turn, I explained what he had to do.

I said, "You need to tell Santa what it is you really would like from him."

He replied, "OK, Dear Santa, I want you to come now, from Connor." ! ! !



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

T Rex or T Ford by Bella Joni


I was walking past a father and son at a Target store I use to work in, when they were looking at a book on Dinosaurs.

The son asked his father, "Was the Dinosaur faster than a car?"

The dad replied, "Well, that depends..."

"On what?" asked the son.

"On whether it is a Ford or a Holden."

That one kept me smiling for the day! ! ! !



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Hearts for Love by Char The Sewing lady.

I belong to a small quilting group and we meet at a friend's house every Tuesday. Recently one of our ladies' husband passed away suddenly. It was a great loss to us all as Tony was a much loved person - he loved to cook and every Tuesday Gloria would bring his latest creations in for us to sample with our coffee.

We all decided to make Gloria something to show her how much we love her. Each lady in our group was given three pieces of fabric and told to put hearts on each block. It didn't matter what they looked like as long as each block had hearts on it.

Yesterday we presented her with the quilt made from all the hearts we made. It is a beautiful quilt filled with all the love we have for her and she will have that love forever no matter what. ! ! !



-- > Man

[Man]

True A Thought

Hello

Why We Shouldn't Copy CDs and DVDs By Markyn

There are people out there who copy CDs and DVDs, and let's face it who hasn't. The fact is that you are really killing the bands and film makers that you love. These people who put so much time and effort into making the album or movie will only make more if they sell a lot! They will not make more if they are just selling flops. Do you think that AC/DC, ABBA, Led Zeppelin or the Beatles would have made as many albums as they did if every second person was copying them? Or George Lucas would have made all six of the Star Wars movies? What about the new bands and artists coming through? How long do you think that people/bands like Jet, Pete Murray or the John Butler Trio are going to keep pumping out albums if every second person copies their works?

The fact is that copying CDs and DVDs is illegal but it is killing the bands, artists and film makers that you love, and killing off the new talent coming through! ! ! !



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Zoo Tired! By Bubblesox

My sister and I went to the zoo with our young children. While the kids were still full of energy we were exhausted, and I was struggling to walk up a hill. My 7 year old niece came running up behind me, trying to push me up the hill shouting, "Run, run."

"I can't," I replied.

She stopped, confused and said, "Yes you can, I've seen you do it before." ! ! !



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!


A Sticky Situation By Chicken Hawk

I was in the middle of making a Bratz doll pinata for my grand-daughter's 8th birthday party, when I stopped and rested my face on my hand, wondering how I was going to stick a certain part onto it. After a few minutes I had a bright idea but couldn't get my hand off my face... yes, I had superglued my fingers to my face. ! ! !



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Trip of a Lifetime By To You Sax

I went on student exchange to the US for one year when I was 15 and it was the most rewarding experience of my life. I got to experience the magical prom night and things like homecoming dances and Halloween trick or treating. I am 23 now and I look back on my days there with such pride and happiness. I would recommend travelling to anyone, just to broaden your horizons and see how big, or small this beautiful planet really is. ! ! !



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Kids By Leona

I'd just read my six year old son a bedtime story when he said to me, "You're so fun and interesting. You're a great addition to my life!" ! ! !



-- > Man

[Man]

True And A Thought -- > Please Donate Organs

Hello

David Hookes Foundation By Coight

Every year one in six people, who could have been saved by organ donation, dies because a matching organ does not become available.
There are others who never even make it onto the waiting lists. It is common to wait up to four years for a kidney transplant, two years for a heart transplant and one and a half years for a liver transplant.
Since the untimely and tragic death of cricketing great David Hookes, there has been a great response and an increased awareness of organ donation in the community.
Education is the key to becoming an organ donor and it is the objective of the David Hookes Foundation to increase the number of organ donors, to increase the public awareness of the need for organ donors and to educate families to support the decision of their loved one to donate organs. I would like to encourage everyone to visit the
David Hookes Foundation website and to discuss your own personal wishes with your friends relatives and loved ones. ! ! !



Note :- I Have Donated My Body Asked My Kith And Kin To Donate My Whole Body

-- > Man

[Man]

True And A Point Of View

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I Am A Telemarketer By Moody Chick75

I am a telemarketer, and yes I am one of those horrible people who ring you when you are right in the middle of dinner, or in the middle of doing something important.

I cop a lot of flack for what I do from family and friends, and especially from the people I have to ring. What I would like people to understand is, I am just doing my job. It is not necessary to swear at me, call me names or yell at me. If you aren't interested in what I am saying, it is polite just to say, "No, I'm sorry but I'm not interested."

This is my job - I don't always like doing it, but it is good money, and this is how I support my family. Yes, I agree telemarketers do not always ring at a great time, or they are selling something that you will never need in your lifetime. However, I just want to say, why don't you think about it from their point of view for a moment?

We are employed to sell things over the telephone, this is our job, and for a lot of us, we take these jobs so that we can be home for our children when they get home from school; or maybe because we can't get work in another field. My reason is because I like the school hours - I like to be home for my child when she comes home.

For a lot of us, if we weren't employed as telemarketers then we may be sitting at home living off the taxes that you pay. Please just think next time before you are so rude to us.


-- > Man

[Man]

True And A Point Of View



Telemarketers By Freddies Girl

Do telemarketers do it purposely, or do they just have nothing better in their lives to do than ring people, spruiking their 'great new offer', during dinner.

In my family, both of my parents and I work, so pretty much the only time we get to see each other all at once is at dinner, and yet every third meal is interrupted by 'Bob for Communication Solutions,' or 'Fran from Wine Clubs R Us.'

I did a survey of family and friends, and asked them to total the amount of times, in a week, they were rung by telemarketers between 6pm and 8pm. Out of 60 families, 85% or 51 families got 4+ calls a week between those times, 10% or 6 families got 1-3 calls, and only 3 families received no calls.

So next time, you are rung during dinner by a telemarketer, politely ask them to remove you from their contact list, (as it is an illegal offence for them not to obey your wishes,) and sit back and relax, as you enjoy an uninterrupted dinner for the first time in weeks


-- > Man

[Man]

True, A Thought And A Point Of View



Everyday Conversation! By Spirit Wishes

I was talking to my brother, who is a father of 5 - four girls and one boy - ranging from 21 to 13 years-of-age.

I was saddened by the fact that for example there is not a usual "Thank you" on receiving a present. Even when I have gone out of my way on giving (and hinting) fancy note paper and envelopes (address attached!). The rare times I do see the children, there is no "Hello Aunty, how are you?" or the words "Please" and "Thank you". Yet this is the way we were brought up - we deal with it amongst our families first, then we go out to work, businesses, clients, customers, even to our local shops. The simple words of "Please" and "Thank you" go a long way.

My ex-boss used to say at the end of the day "Thank you" - it was always a great pleasure and I wanted to do even more... because of those small words "Thank you".

I was disappointed when my brother said in return... "My kids don't take after me... "


-- > Man

[Man]

True, A Thought And A Point Of View



Be Kind to Your Check-out Chicks By Stephaniej

Just a little message which I hope will inspire us all to be kinder to our check-out chicks and laser-lads. As a part-time check-out operator in a busy supermarket I have been surprised to find that the majority of customers won't even make time to ask me how I am when greeting them. In fact, I almost never hear a reply to my own query as to how the customer is. My "Hi, how are you?" is often returned with a request for double bags, or silence. Although at times I feel like a robot myself, it would be nice to be treated like a real person. So just remember, next time someone is putting your groceries through and packing your bags for you , Or an Auto Driver, Any Person who does a small Service, A postman; List is endless - A Little Smile and a Thank You goes a long way.


-- > Man

[Man]

True, True And A Thought -- > Please Donate Organs




Hello

David Hookes Foundation By Coight

Every year one in six people, who could have been saved by organ donation, dies because a matching organ does not become available.
There are others who never even make it onto the waiting lists. It is common to wait up to four years for a kidney transplant, two years for a heart transplant and one and a half years for a liver transplant.
Since the untimely and tragic death of cricketing great David Hookes, there has been a great response and an increased awareness of organ donation in the community.
Education is the key to becoming an organ donor and it is the objective of the David Hookes Foundation to increase the number of organ donors, to increase the public awareness of the need for organ donors and to educate families to support the decision of their loved one to donate organs. I would like to encourage everyone to visit the
David Hookes Foundation website and to discuss your own personal wishes with your friends relatives and loved ones. ! ! !



Note :- I Have Donated My Organs Asked My Kith And Kin To Donate My Whole Body

-- > Man


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Tennis Trouble by Porky Mac

Once I went to the tennis with my little cousin. Suddenly he asked, "What does ESP mean?", so I told him all about extra sensory perception. At the end he was very confused and said, "What has that got to do with tennis?" Then I noticed he meant ESP as in Espanola -Spain - the country the tennis player was from.

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Truth or Dare? By Wanda woman

I overheard my 10 year old son and eight year old daughter discussing which parent they should ask for permission to attend a sleepover. "I think I'll ask Dad," my son decided.

"Yeah," my daughter agreed. "Dad makes the decisions – and Mum tells him if he's right."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Hot Ride By Deepman

I was out on a drive in my Toyota Supra, acting cool and tough. I approached a red light and stopped. Next to me stopped a car, also modified. The driver looked at me, then my car. He then turned up the music he was playing.

You call that music? I thought. I then pushed Play on my CD player and turned up the volume, and up came my five year old brother's song, 'The wheels on the bus go round and round...'

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Innocent Lies By Jen42

After having afternoon tea with my mother I was random breath tested on my way downtown. I could not understand why my four year old was very quiet until some time later when, waiting for the pedestrian lights to change -with other people standing along side - of course -- he looked disappointedly up at me and said, "Mummy you lied to that policeman - you had a cup of tea with Nana."

-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Kids by Deepman

My mum, my little brother and I were once in Westfields Shopping Town. As soon as we walked in, my little brother stopped, stared at my mum and said, "Wait, I smell toys."


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

When Am I Due? by What A Heart

With only two months left to go in my pregnancy, my five year old daughter must have thought it was time to get organised.

One night when the next door neighbours' children were over for dinner she said to them, "You must come to the birth of my baby sister."

She then turned to me and said in all seriousness, "Now, mum, will she be born on a Monday or Tuesday or a different day of the week?"


-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

When Am I Due? by What A Heart

With only two months left to go in my pregnancy, my five year old daughter must have thought it was time to get organised.

One night when the next door neighbours' children were over for dinner she said to them, "You must come to the birth of my baby sister."

She then turned to me and said in all seriousness, "Now, mum, will she be born on a Monday or Tuesday or a different day of the week?"



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Fish And Chips By Noosie

Our lemon tree in the backyard was legendary in our street. One day a neighbour came around to our house, asking for some lemons for his fish and chips. My daughter had a young friend over and as the neighbour explained he wanted some lemons for his fish, the innocent five year old asked, "Do your fish eat lemons?"



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Moth Man By Freddiesgirl

When my little brother was two years old, I was in the kitchen and noticed that he had found something on the floor in the sunroom. Upon running to find out what he had just found, I saw a wing hanging out of his mouth. Realising it was a large moth, I told him to spit it out, and tried to retrieve the chewed moth. Needless to say, he continued to eat it, eventually swallowing it. He's 10 now, but we still call him Moth Man.



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Engagement By Cam316

Well, after four wonderful years, my man finally asked the big question. He even got down on bended knee. I must have said 'Yes' 100 times! We met at a local gym and have only spent three days apart. We now have a beautiful new home and this engagement just topped it off.

I now look forward to the big wedding day. I can't wait to be Mrs ... It is true what they say - when you meet your one true love you will know from the moment you look into their eyes and see into their heart. I will love him forever and ever.



-- > Man

[Man]

True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

Music Man By Franabelle

We took our kids to visit my parents for Easter. They had been unwell and my father still had a cold. 0ne afternoon our three year old ran in saying, "Mum, grandad can play the trumpet!" I'd never known him to play a musical instrument so I followed my son out to see what was happening. Grandad wasn't showing any talent for trumpeting, he was blowing his nose!



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Backyard Pool Fashions By Moth And Tabby

My four year old niece was playing in her paddling pool, and wanted me to come in with her. I explained that I couldn't because I did not have my bathers with me, but she had the perfect solution.

"That's OK, auntie, you can wear dad's." She even went and got them for me!




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Bird Man By Sindel


My nephew was three, and he loved giving everyone a kiss, but he kissed with his mouth open - as some kids do-. His pet budgie was out one day and he decided to give it a kiss, so he opened his little mouth and the bird must have thought it was a hole because the bird jumped right into his mouth. He never tried to kiss the bird again. He is 16 now and still gets called Bird Man!




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Camera Behind Mirror By Philosophy Of Joel

I visited my Girl Friend at her apartment the other week for dinner. On the way up to her apartment, there was a lift with a huge mirrored panel on one of the walls. As I was alone in the lift, I made use of the mirror - checking my nose for dirt, posing a few really funny 'strong man' poses, etc. When I met my Girl Friend later, I commented that the lift was fitted with a really nice mirror; to which she replied that it was actually a one-way mirror and that there was a hidden camera behind for security reasons.

You should have seen my reaction. My whole face turned tomato red. Now I do not dare to face the manager of that apartment. The thought of having a camera zooming in on my nostrils is too much to take. I have a phobia of that lift now. !




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Golf By Little Lamb

I recently took my young son to a miniature golf complex. He was having great fun watching all the other players. There was one poor lady player who was not having a good round and every time she missed the hole my son shouted out a loud "ooh". Eventually she turned to my son and said, "I'm not very good am I?"

"No!" was his enthusiastic reply. !




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Kids and Vegetables By Mmmbbb

When my nephew was quite young and not speaking in full sentences, I went around to my sister's place for an Easter celebration. There was the usual abundance of food of all varieties and I was happily sitting my nephew on my lap feeding him bits and pieces. However, I was a little confused when he kept asking for 'the little trees.' Through a process of elimination I realised he was asking for the broccoli flowerets which, when you think about it, look remarkably like miniature trees. Perhaps a good marketing ploy for other mums wanting to get their children to eat vegies!

"No!" was his enthusiastic reply. !




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Child-Proof Medicine By JJIT

Upon telling my five year old son it was time for his medicine, I found him in the kitchen with his medicine trying his hardest to get the bottle open. He was grunting and groaning, using teatowels and tapping it on the side of the bench. I explained that it was child-proof and only adults could get it opened. He replied with, "How does it know I'm not a adult?"





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Level Headed By Kenda

After finishing an in-depth conversation with a new, good looking colleague, I headed toward the elevator to return to my office, wondering if he was single.

Waving at me from across the floor to grab my attention, he called out, "So what are you? 25... 26?"

I blushed and called back, "Oh Steve, I'm a little bit older than that!"

"No," he replied. "I meant, what floor do you work on?"




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True And Amusing Anecdotes

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I Like Your Eyebrows By Belmonte

I recently had my hair coloured a lighter shade than my natural colour. When my husband came home from work later that evening, I was wondering if he would notice. He came into the kitchen and started looking at me like he knew that something was different. His comment was, "Have you had your eyebrows dyed?" Needless to say I could not stop laughing all night.



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Pumpkins in the Ear By Aussie100

When my four year old had her ears checked, the doctor joked that she had a pumpkin growing in one ear and a potato growing in the other. Months later my four year old asked, "Mum, what did the doctor say was growing in this ear?"

I replied, "A pumpkin."

"Oh well, it must be growing because my ear is sore."



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Shake Hands By CheeChee

When my boys were aged three and four, they had their first fight. I pulled them apart and asked what the problem was. They both told me their sides of the story. Not wanting to leave things unsettled, I asked them to stand facing each other and apologise. This they did. However, I could not help but burst out laughing when I asked them to shake hands. My boys looked at me in amazement, as though I was out of my mind, then looked back at each other, raised their hands above their heads and shook them. The only hand shaking they had seen was on Hi Five and the Wiggles.




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Live TV by Honey Rock

While watching the news one night my four year old son turned around to me and asked if the man on TV could see him. When I told him no, he replied, "That's good because I was pulling naughty faces at him."



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Shopping By The Box

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation. Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power surge caused the overhead lights to flicker.

"Ah," he sighed, "they must be totalling her bill now."



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Quiet Toy! By Mamaduck

Chatting to my friend at church, she mentioned how she had to bring a 'quiet toy' along for her toddler to play with so as not to disturb the preaching. So she brought along a 'shape sorter' where the child places the right shape plastic piece into the correct shaped hole. Unfortunately it wasn't as quiet a toy as she had expected - every time her two-year-old got a shape in the correct hole this lovely child would raise her hands in the air and yell, "Yay!"




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Jessie By Brockadee

A friend in California was minding her three grandchildren. One morning while she was making her bed, her three year old grandson asked what the red velvet bag was doing on the head of her bed.

She told him that it was Jessie, (her beloved dog who had been cremated recently).

He said, "Grandma, Jessie must be very hot in there - why don't you let her out for a while so she can run around the yard with me?"



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Talking to You By Zbax

My usual afternoon consists of picking up my three year old son and driving home where my husband is already. I generally chat to my son in the car about his day and when we get home my husband and I will talk, while our son is eating dinner or watching TV. Sometimes my son will come and talk over the top until we pay attention - I will turn to him and tell him to wait as 'I am talking to daddy.'

The other day my son was talking to me and I turned away to talk to my husband. My son tapped me on the arm and said, "Mum, I'm talking to you."




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Pumpkin By Roces Queen

I finished school last year -I'm 18 - and in February this year I found myself with not a whole lot to do with all this spare time I had. I have always loved animals, so I was looking on the Internet at jobs at the local wildlife parks when I came across the website for Wildcare Australia. After reading for a while, I decided I wanted to become a carer and look after Australia's native fauna, like so many of the tireless Wildcare volunteers.

Now, more than six months on, I am caring for a beautiful orphaned Brushtail Possum named Pumpkin. She is about five months old now, but when I got her she was only three months old and I had to feed her six bottles a day (every four hours, around the clock).

Today, in preparation of weaning her, I began to teach her to lap out of a dish rather than drinking from a bottle. She was coughing and spluttering, and she got milk up her nose a few times. Hopefully she will catch on to the idea in a week or so.

She is almost 400g at the moment - when she gets to 500g I will try to find a carer with another possum her age for her to make friends with. This is so that when I release them both, they know that they are possums.

Being a carer is the most amazing experience; I just want to share my joy with the world.




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Breakfast ! By Sarahg12

Shopping with my eight year old sister is a real trial. Her life is ruled by food - the second the last mouthful of breakfast has gone she's asking about lunch.

I took her shopping one day and over the radio in the car they were playing, 'Breathless' by the Corrs. She turned to me and asked if the lyrics to the song were, "Go on, leave me breakfast!" Naturally!



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Starting Early By Mon Starrr6

Our little 18 month old has his own drawer of 'stuff' in the kitchen. One evening while I was on the phone to a friend, he walked into the kitchen, bottle of milk in hand, opened his drawer, grabbed out the stubby holder, put his bottle inside and tottered off drinking his milk. By this time my husband and I were in fits of laughter. My husband said, "Well, he's starting early then!"



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Surprise Wedding By Dana Banana

We recently had a cocktail party for my 30th birthday. All our close friends and family were invited for the 'Dress to Impress' occasion. Each guest was asked to bring a bottle of spirits instead of a gift and all the finger food was provided by us (two days in the preparation with help from my wonderful mum!).

About half way through the party, everyone was enjoying themselves when a 'stranger' entered the room. My partner, Lee, thought someone had come to complain about the music as she had some papers in her hand and asked if we could turn the music down.

You should have seen the look on everyone's faces when she announced herself as a Civil Marriage Celebrant, especially my partner who had been asking for the past eight years if I would marry him!

The ceremony was lovely, my partner was overjoyed and I was amazed that I had kept it a secret!

All in all, the night was perfect; great people, good food and drinks, everybody dressed up and a surprise wedding! The best thing was having our closest friends and family in attendance, a small intimate gathering and it didn't cost us fortune. Just the way we wanted it.


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DIY Coffee By Mifkin

On a home improvement show one of the tips was to mix a few coffee granules into a beige coloured paint to give it a 'kick', so we decided to give it a try.

It looked fantastic, but I discovered that I possibly used too much coffee when for weeks after, everytime we took a shower the steam caused the walls to sweat thick black coffee.


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Children's Lunch Boxes By Lisa Lou

I am a teacher on lunch duty every Thursday and I like to wander around and have a look at the children's lunches. I am concerned that the majority of lunches consist of processed, packaged, convenient 'food' for example, roll-ups, muesli bars, chips, etc. Fresh fruit and salad vegetables are very seldom seen. I was shocked to discover that one little boy had a lunchbox entirely filled with sweet items. After talking to him about healthy food and telling him that, "We are what we eat!" he turned to me with a smile and said, "Well, I must be a very sweet boy then!" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!.


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True, A Thought

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One Small Thing By Bfs78

I aim to do one small thing for someone each day. I believe strongly in the 'pay it forward' belief - that one person will then walk away and they will be happy and they will pass on that happiness to the next person, and so on. So how long has it been since you filled in a positive feedback sheet at a restaurant or hotel? Paid the toll for the person behind you? Left a large tip for your waitress or just really went out of your way to ask your checkout assistant how his/her day was and really listened to their answer? Pay it forward!



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True, A Thought

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Waiter's Friend By Kostya

I work as a full time waiter to help myself through Uni. and am often confronted with difficult customers. Many customers look down upon me and my co-workers as second class citizens. on several occasions I have been told that I can "have the leftovers." Honestly! So this is just a note to people out there to say respect your waiters when you dine out because they're people too. It doesn't sound like much, but just being polite makes us all feel a lot better and makes us go that little bit further for you.




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True, A Thought

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Customer Service By Juliex

Why is it that good old customer service seems to be a thing of the past. While attending the after Christmas sales, I was again reminded why I hate shopping. No one to ask questions, no one to help you decide between brands and mostly a grumpy shop assistant busy chatting to the person next to them while they 'serve' you. There is no shame in being helpful, polite and doing the best job you can no matter what that job is. A smile goes a long way, as does a few words of chat. Then you will find 'job satisfaction'. Remember you should give customers more than what they expect and they'll go away happy.





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True, A Thought

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Customer Service By No1AIN

When I was a child my family owned a corner shop where everything was served to you by staff. If you didn't know exactly what you wanted then there was always someone there to help and advise you. I remember the last time I asked for help in a major department store and was told, "I don't really know, I just work here!" Really!

I think the better the customer service the more chance of the customer returning. We should have more of it!





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OUR courtship had just begun, and Roger impressed me with his honesty and simple values. The way he acted on our third date made me believe he found me as appealing as I did him, for he edged closer to me as the evening progressed. Finally, he blurted, "I love that smell."

"Evening in Paris?" I smiled coyly.

"No," he murmured as he buried his face in my shoulder. "Fresh laundry."



--> Some one elses Anecdote

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THE last-minute Christmas rush was on, and there was a long line at the express counter of our local co-op grocery store, where our 17 -year-old daughter worked as a cashier. The tiredness and strain showed plainly on her face as she looked at the next customer, a young man who had been waiting patiently. There were no groceries piled on the counter, so she asked if she could help him. "I would like to buy a smile, please," the young man replied and handed her a quarter. Caught by surprise, her face broke into a grin. "Thank you," he said, "that's all I wanted."





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AS I stepped from my car to the sidewalk a rough-looking teenager approached me from the nearby telephone booth. He had a confused expression on his face. Suddenly he blurted out, "When did Columbus sail across the Atlantic Ocean?" "In 1492," I replied. "Thank you," he said with relief. "Now I remember the phone number!"





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I WAS scheduled to leave on a 5 a.m. flight and had asked my 20-year-old son to drive me to the airport. After much prodding that morning, I finally managed to get him to the car. Within a few minutes, the sun broke over the horizon on one of the nicest mornings of the year. "What a gorgeous sunrise," I remarked to my son. "I wouldn't know," he sleepily replied, "I have nothing to compare it to."





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MY 19-YEAR-OLD granddaughter stood watching as her dad, grandfather and great-grandfather loaded tackle boxes, rods and bait to go on a fishing trip. As they got into the car, her grandfather -- asked with total confidence, "What kind of fish do you want us to bring home for supper?" "Well, if you're filling orders, I'd like bass," my granddaughter replied. Then she grinned. "And, Grandpa, don't pay over two dollars and twenty-five cents a pound."





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OUR teenage daughter, Cathy, had just been given family-car privileges. One Friday night she returned home late from a party. The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 Cathy sleepily walked into the kitchen to face the question. "What time did you get in last night?" "Not too late, Dad." "Then I'll have to talk with the paper-boy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car," was her father's straight-faced comment.





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AS MY 19th birthday approached, my mother asked me what I would like on that special day. I asked for a world of peace. I was amazed to find my prized stereo removed from my room.






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MY BROTHER was "going steady" for the first time and was anxious about meeting his girlfriend's parents. "Well," my mother asked on his return home, "how did it go?" "Oh, Mom," he said, "I think her parents really like me. Her father offered three times to drive me home."





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OUR 22-year-old son, the last of our five children to leave home, was about to move into his own apartment. I had decided to redecorate his room, and asked him to please get all his things out of it. Roger took the news in an apparently blasé manner. Then, as he left the house, he betrayed his real feelings with this poignant farewell: "I'll be back next week to pack up my childhood."




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OUR youngest son, just turned 16 proudly applied for his first real job. He was puzzled by some of the questions asked in the interview, but had no difficulty answering the final one: "What is the one thing about yourself you would change if you could?" His answer: "My bank account." He went to work the next day.



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MY TEENAGE son was at that rebellious stage when a parent's endorsement of anything is the kiss of death. So I was pleased he asked me to help him pick a shirt to wear to a party. On his bed were the choices: blue, white and beige. "I like the blue one," I said. "What's your second choice?" "The white one." "Thanks," he said - and put on the beige shirt.



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HAVING just moved out on my own, I didn't have many nice serving dishes for a Boxing Day brunch I was planning. I went to borrow some of my mom's and told her I'd need her warming plate, several bowls, cutlery, and her silver gravy bowl and ladle for the hollandaise sauce. I asked her if the metal would make the sauce curdle, and my brother, who walked by in time to hear the question, piped up: "Heck no! Everyone knows there's no place like chrome for the hollandaise!"



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WHEN I discovered my first grey hair, I immediately wrote to my parents: "Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience this with me too." I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it. My father's response, titled "Sonnet to a Hair," began:
It 's a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first grey hair. . .
He signed off with this observation: "That grey hair you sent us is not the first one you gave us!"



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WHILE shopping at a supermarket, I noticed a young man staring at a very attractive young woman. I watched as he approached her and looked over her shoulder at her shopping list. She turned, startled. "Sorry!" he said. "I was just looking to see if I was on your list of things to pick up."



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A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapés the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he craps on you!"


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Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."

The whole audience including priest started laughing but not the poor groom.


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A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy

In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning. :)

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Do you know what would have happened
If it had been Three Wise Women
Instead of Three Wise Men?

They would have asked directions,
Arrived on time,
Helped deliver the baby,
Cleaned the stable,
Made a casserole,
Brought practical gifts and
There would be Peace on Earth.

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HOSPITAL rounds were ending as we came to an elderly man whose diagnosis and treatment had been hampered by his refusal to discuss his medical history. "All these young doctors want to help you," our chief of services said. "Won't you please talk to one of them?" The patient's eyes glided warily over each of us until they fell on me. "I'll talk to that one," he said, "but everyone else has to leave the room." As a third-year medical student and the only woman in the group, I was pleased that this man had placed his trust in me. However, my moment of glory was short-lived. After the others had left, the patient looked up at me and said, "I need the bedpan."


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IN HER first year as a pediatric intern, my daughter was responsible for the physical examinations of high-school athletes. When she asked one 16-year-old to strip so she could examine him, he looked at her for a moment and then, with a straight face, asked, "Does your mother know what you're doing?"


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WHEN I was a senior in medical school, my class ran the outpatient clinic under supervision. Each of us had his own roster of regular patients. To help pay expenses, some of us had outside jobs on weekends. One Sunday I saw a classmate at the baseball park as he was walking the aisles in his white vendor's coat, shouting, "Hot dogs! Get your red-hots!" Suddenly, a woman spectator jumped up, pointed at him and screamed, "Oh, my God! That's my doctor!"

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THE first job I had after college required frequent business trips. Much to my dismay, my 45-year-old boss arranged our schedules so that we often traveled together. Worse, whenever we entered a restaurant, he would pretend that I was his date, calling me "honey" or "dear" in front of the waiters. At first I kept silent - then, growing increasingly annoyed, I decided to put a stop to his antics. When the maitre d' came forward to seat us at one restaurant, my boss asked me, "Sugar, where do you want to sit?" "Anywhere suits me, Daddy," I replied.

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A FRIEND of mine is one of today's working mothers. After coming home from teaching school, she juggles her remaining time among three young sons, household chores and extracurricular activities. One day, after participating in a 4-H project, we walked wearily into her house. As she passed her husband, she gave him a hug and said, "I really love you."

He grinned and asked, "How much?"

"Let me count the ways," she said, dropping into a chair. "The way you washed that tubful of dirty jeans. The way you ran the dishwasher. The way you picked up the boys from the baby-sitter's. But especially the way you stand by me instead of just sitting down."


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I WAS glancing over the cover of a women's magazine I'd just bought. One title caught my eye: "Men's Secret Fear About Their Working Wives." I decided to get a first hand account. "What's your innermost fear about my working?" I asked my husband.

"That you'll quit," he promptly replied.


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MY HUSBAND retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch." "Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards. "We could have lunch at that Japanese restaurant we both like," he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes. "Separate checks, please," he said.


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THE wife had become so domineering that her husband insisted she see a psychiatrist. The wife consented, and the couple went to a doctor. The husband waited outside, and when his spouse emerged after the hour-long session, he asked, "Did you make any progress?" "Not much," she replied. "It took me fifty minutes to convince that man that his couch would look better against the wall."


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I AM a consultant at a clinic in a metropolitan hospital. We needed only a part-time secretary whose job consists of typing and arranging appointments. When our secretary decided to continue her studies on a full-time basis, she arranged to have her husband, a psychology student, take over her job. During the summer she trained him to assume her secretarial tasks. When he officially started working for the service, our director introduced him formally at a meeting. "I'd like you to meet Mr. Jones, our new administrative assistant. He will be replacing our secretary, Mrs. Jones."


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True And Amusing Anecdotes

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I am a director of a child care center and we have a music class every Friday. This one Friday the music teacher was talking about what it means to be free. He was explaining that we are all Free and have rights to say things and do things that many people could not do a long time ago. Well one little boy in our preschool class started to get really upset at the music teacher. The teacher asked the child what was wrong and the boy said " I'm not free I'm Four". We all just had a great laugh.


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True And Amusing Anecdotes

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Bizarre or funny things that really have happened!

When my son was four years old he attended a pre-school. I loved picking him up just to listen to how his world would unfold each day. One day he jumped into the car and I could tell from his face that he was going to present quite a puzzling inquiry. "Momma, what do birds have to do with the American flag?" Thinking he was talking about the eagle on top of the flag pole I proceeded to "educate" him on the national bird. "I know all of that, Momma, I'm talking about the pigeons! What do the pigeons have to do with the flag?" Well, I was at total loss but I took a deep breadth and continued the query. "What do you mean?" He then rolled his eyes and released such a sigh (just like many of us do when someone can't grasp the obvious). So, very slowly he began to instruct, "Every day we start out by saying the prayer to the flag and in it we say, 'I lead the pigeons to the flag...', I just wanted to know why?" That is how my Eagle Scout began his road toward citizenship.


-- > Man