jokes and one liners

[boldenblack]

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is dead.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

[boldenblack]

committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle

A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. - Abba Eban

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.

A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt

A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.

A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.

A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.

A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing."

[boldenblack]

A day without sunshine is like night.

A disagreeable task is its own reward.

A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.

A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.

A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

A fool and his money stabilize the economy.

A free agent is anything but.

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.

[boldenblack]

A good scapegoat is hard to find.

A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years.

A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.

A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.

A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.

A little humility is arrogance.

A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.

A little ignorance can go a long way.

A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality.

A man should be greater than some of his parts.

[boldenblack]

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.

A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.

A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth.

A penny saved has not been spent.

A penny saved is an economic breakthrough.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

A problem cannot be solved using the same level of thinking that created it. (In other words, if you screw it up, you can't fix it.)

A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real reason.

A short cut is the longest distance between two points.

A short line outside a building becomes a long line inside.

[boldenblack]

A stagnant science is at a standstill.

A theory is better than its explanation.

A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.

A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.

Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.

Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.

[boldenblack]

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.

Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.

Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.

All American cars are basically Chevrolets.

All general statements are false; think about it.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

All generalizations are useless, including this one.

All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

[boldenblack]

All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.

All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them. - Walt Disney

All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.

All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

All things being equal, all things are never equal.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

[meghana_12]

good work ruchu :)

[boldenblack]

good work ruchu :)
whoo finally one reply. thanks for having read it meghana.

[phatgurl]

nice one liners lolz

[Nerd]

good one linerz..my one linerz are more do with women if you get what i mean...hehehe :D :D :D :D

[ashka...]

gud job ruchika

[phatgurl]

gud job ruchika

huh?:confused:

[boldenblack]

A Sardarji is in a Quiz Contest trying to win prize money of Rs.1
Crore.

The questions are as follows:

1) How long was the 100 yr war?

A) 116

B) 99

C) 100

D) 150

Sardar says "I will skip this"


2) In which country are the Panama hats made?

A) BRASIL

B) CHILE

C) PANAM?

D) EQUADOR

Sardar asks for help from the University students


3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October

Revolution?

A) JANUARY

B) SEPTEMBER

C) OCTOBER

D) NOVEMBER

Sardar asks for help from general public


4) Which of these is King George VI first name?

A) EDER

B) ALBERT

C) GEORGE

D) MANOEL

Sardar asks for lucky cards


5) The Canary islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on which animal:

A) CANARY BIRD

B) KANGAROO

C) PUPPY

D) RAT

Sardar gives up !


If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at our Sardar's replies,then pls. check the answers below:


1) the 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453

2) the Panama hat is made in Equador

3) The October revolution is celebrated in November

4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he changed his name

5) Puppy. The latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of the puppies.



Now tell me who's the dumb one....Don't ever laugh at a Sardar again!

[boldenblack]

New railway minister & schemes !!

The new Indian railway will ....

1. re-introduce steam locos - to boost coal industry in bihar.

2. dismantle the reservation system, all seats will be open to janata, no more reservations by upper cast and rich people.

3. a/c coaches will be abolished, a/c s will be auctioned in chhapra.

4. shatabdi expresses to be renamed as rabri devi express.

5. 10 new trains to be introduced from different parts of bihar to patna.

6. all double lines to be reduced to single track to cut costs - the rails, sleepers etc to be auctioned in muzaffarpore.

7. samjhota express will run from patna to peshwar, however it will be converted to a goods train to carry fodder.

8. new maha bhoj - litti and sattu - to be served in all luxury trains

- palace on wheels, deccan odyssey etc.

9. re-zoning of railways: north bihar, south bihar, north eastern bihar, central bihar, east bihar, south bihar, res! t of India - these will be new zones.

10. next of kin of all people who die in train accidents will be given a job in railways, no more rail board exam or wastage of public money.

11. any driver who dies in a train accident will not be allowed to drive any more for public safety.

12. every village in India will have a railway station by 2007 constructions to start soon.

13. free tickets for farmers.

14. de-electrification of major lines to save power. Local trains in Mumbai Kolkata Chennai and delhi to run on steam too.

15. special "Gaai-bhains" express for transporting domestic animals, who have been neglected by the fundamentalist govt.

16. there will be no ticket checkers in train, that shows the new govt trusts the people.

Thank you
Lalloo Parsad Yadav

[boldenblack]

Once upon a time ther lived a king

The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess! But there was a problem Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired.

What could he do to help his daughter. He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and surely, it would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

But The Question Is :

What was the object in the prince's pants?




They were Britannia Little Hearts of course! HAHAHA HA HE HE HE,,

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

[boldenblack]

ENJOY THIS JOKE

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes first to the German hell and asks " What do they do here ?" He is told " First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of day." The man does not like sound of that at all.

So he moves on....

He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here ?"

He is told " First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of day." But that is exactly the same as all the other hells-why are there so many people waiting to get in?".

Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work.

Someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt Servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."

[boldenblack]

RULES FROM THE MEN

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Don't cut your hair. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.

1. Crying is black-mailing.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Nor do strong or obvious hints... just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 24 hours.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways pisses you off, we meant the other one.

1. It is genetic for us to look at women. Just deal with it.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know the best way to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions. We don't need them either.

1. All men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not a proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask you what is wrong and you say NOTHING, we will take it as the truth. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as cricket, shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes...you have too many shoes.

1. It is neither in your best interest nor in ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

So, follow the rules.

[phatgurl]

A Sardarji is in a Quiz Contest trying to win prize money of Rs.1
Crore.

The questions are as follows:

1) How long was the 100 yr war?

A) 116

B) 99

C) 100

D) 150

Sardar says "I will skip this"


2) In which country are the Panama hats made?

A) BRASIL

B) CHILE

C) PANAM?

D) EQUADOR

Sardar asks for help from the University students


3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October

Revolution?

A) JANUARY

B) SEPTEMBER

C) OCTOBER

D) NOVEMBER

Sardar asks for help from general public


4) Which of these is King George VI first name?

A) EDER

B) ALBERT

C) GEORGE

D) MANOEL

Sardar asks for lucky cards


5) The Canary islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on which animal:

A) CANARY BIRD

B) KANGAROO

C) PUPPY

D) RAT

Sardar gives up !


If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at our Sardar's replies,then pls. check the answers below:


1) the 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453

2) the Panama hat is made in Equador

3) The October revolution is celebrated in November

4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he changed his name

5) Puppy. The latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of the puppies.



Now tell me who's the dumb one....Don't ever laugh at a Sardar again!


hey i dunt get the 100 year one...how cme its a 100 years?

[freezone]

hey i dunt get the 100 year one...how cme its a 100 years?Once upon a time a French woman was married to an English man. The war started. They fought to each other vigorously for 15 years. The result is a baby. The baby was brought up and married to an English man at 25. Again war started, continued for 20 years and conceived a boy. The boy was brought up and married to a French woman at 30. They fought to each other for 10 years and went for a tour on Titanic. Tragically they were dead and the war ends ;)

[ashka...]

omg i neva noticed dis thread...
lolz.. laughed a lot..

[boldenblack]

hey i dunt get the 100 year one...how cme its a 100 years?
WELL EVEN I DONT KNOW!!:p

[boldenblack]

1.SSC + HSC + BMS + MBA = UNEMPLOYMENT
2.An Idea + An Idiot = A Dotcom
3.Sushmita Sen. - 2.2 feet = Sal man Khan
4.Special Effects in Shampoo ads = Special effects in Jurassic park

5.4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand = 4 minute song in
Bollywood

6.One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs + Four hundred
>>relatives+ A house bigger than Buckingham Palace = One Sooraj
Barjataya film

7.Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality + own
production company = Kajol
8.Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favourite serials
9.Star Movies - Rerun + Good Movies = HBO

10.Amitabh Bachchan - Mrityudaata + Kaun Banega Crorepati = A SUPERSTAR


---------------------------------------------------------------
FORMULAS
Monday ko ..... Dosti
Tuesday ko ..... Pyaar
Wednesday ko ..... Shadi
Thursday ko ..... Ghumana
Friday ko ..... Jagda
Saturday ko..... Talak
Sunday ko ..... Rest
Monday ko ..... Next

[boldenblack]

Ek baar Ek Intelligent Software Engineer ek MNC mein interview dene jata hai.
Interview mein manager poochta hai
So.. Mr. Software Engineer , what do u expect for the salary ?
"Software Engineer : "Jyada nahi saab, bus mahine ka 80 hazaar rupaye, Ek chota sa bunglow, Ek gadi, ar kuch naukar-chakar"

Manager: "Ok Mr Software Engineer , Hum aapko mahiney ka ek Lakh pachas hazzar rupayei, Ek bada sa bunglow in Nariman Point, Ek BMW gadi with a Driver, aap ke baccho ko school ka admission, aur 10 Naukar apki wife ke liye"

Software Engineer is very excited
Software Engineer : "Kyo saab majaak kartey ho!"

Manager: "Shuru kisne kiya tha?"

[boldenblack]

Want to propose a girl - Just do it. (Nike)

Before going to propose to a girl - Believe in the best. (BPL)

If you are hesitating before proposing to a girl - Vicks ki goli lo kichkich door karo. (Vicks)

If you are going to propose to a girl, chances are>-50-50. (Britannia)

If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her - Take it easy. (Limca)

Those who succeed in love always say - We dream because we do. (Daewoo)

If some one wants to write a love letter to his girlfriend -likho script apna apna. (Rotomac)

If you love someone - Go get it. (visa power)

Boy riding a bike with neighbor's girl - Neighbors envy owner's pride.(Onida)

Not satisfied with your dates - Yeh dil mangey more.(Pepsi)

A guy having a number of girl friends - Complete Man. (Raymonds)

A smart girl having a number of boyfriends - yeh hai hamara suraksachakra.(Colgate)

For those lost in love - Har shaam ka sathi main aur mera (Bagpiper).

[boldenblack]

An Arab needed heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. Because the gentleman had rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries.

Finally a Gujarati like Kanjibhai was located who had similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Rolls, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery, and a million US dollars. Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets. The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati's kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him! why he had expressed his appreciation in not so generous manner. The Arab replied " Sahib - now I have Guju blood in my veins ! "

[boldenblack]

Gangaram was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his friend Bhola. As Bhola stood beside the bed, Gangaram's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. Bhola lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Gangaram used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. Bhola thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it in to his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, Bhola was visiting Gangaram's family. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Gangaram died. "You know," he said, "Gangaram handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Gangaram, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all". He unfolded the note and read aloud:

"Kutte kamiene, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

[boldenblack]

Bhola was looking for a job. He couldn't find one in India so started applying to US & Canada. As soon as he applied, he got a reply from a US company. Bhola was very happy and started giving treat to all his friends...

Dost poocchne lagge ki....."Bhai,bataa to kon si company hai, kitni salary haai? vagarah ... vagarah...".

Apna Bhola says "English mein letter hai, per mein tumhe translate kar ke sunata hoon"....
"Woh company likhe hai...


"YOU DO NOT MEET"...
yaani ki "Tum to milte hi nahin ho...bahut busy ho"

"OUR REQUIREMENTS"...
yaani ki "Humne to bahut zaroorat hai"

"NO FURTHER CORRESPONDENCE"...
Yaani ki "Aage chitthi bhejne ki jarurat nahin hai, Jaise bhi ho jaldi se aajao"

"WILL BE ENTERTAINED"...
yaani ki "Bahut khatir ki jayegi"

------------------------------------------------

[boldenblack]

Aaj didar, kal yaar, parso pyar, phir ekrar, aur
phir-intezar, phir-takrar, phir-darar,
saari mehnat-bekar,
Aur akhir mein-Ek aur devdas at chandramukhi's dwar !
-----------------------------------
Khidmat me sher arz hai....
Durakht ke paymane pe chilman E husn ka furkat se
sharmana...
Durakht ke paymane pe chilman E husn ka furkat se
sharmana...
Ye line samajh me aaye to mujhe zaroor batana
--------------------------------------
koi pathar se na maare mere dewaane ko........
koi pathar se na maare mere dewaane ko........
koi pathar se na maare mere dewaane ko........
neuclear power ka jamaana hai, bomb se udaa do saale
ko...................
----------------------------------------
Unki gali se guzre..ajeeb ittefaq tha
Unki gali se guzre..ajeeb ittefaq tha
Unho ne phool phenka..gamla bhi saath tha!!
-----------------------------------------
Tumko dekha to ek khyal aaya
Tumko dekha to ek khyal aaya
Tumhari saheli ko dekha to doosra khyal aaya!!
--------------------------------------------
Jab Jab gire Baadal, Teri Yaad aayi
Jhoom ke barsa Saawan, Teri Yaad aayi
Bheega main,lekin phir bhi teri Yaad aayi
Kyon na aaye teri yaad? Tune jo chatri ab tak nahi
lautai...
------------------------------------------------

tere dar pe sanam hazar baar aayenge,
tere dar pe sanam hazar baar aayenge.....
ghanti bajayenge aur bhaag jayenge !!

---------------------------------------------

[boldenblack]

A Sardar walks into a bar, orders three pints of “Desi Daru”and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one inturn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”The Sardar replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Dubai, and I’m here in Punjab. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Sardar becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

The Sardar looks confused for a moment,then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he, says, “everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking

[boldenblack]

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
----------------------------------------------------------

Robert: Boss , Sona kahan hai ? ( Where is the Gold ? )
AJIT: Kahin par bhi so jao Robert !!
--------------------------------------------------
Robert: Boss, mere teen bacche hue. Unko kya naam doon?
AJIT:Ek ka naam rakhna Peter, doosre ka Maikal, aur teesre ka Cha Ling Chu.
Robert: Par Cha Ling Chu kyoon?
AJIT:Bewakoof, duniya ka har teesra bacchaa Chinese hota hai!
----------------------------------------------------------
Scene - Robert and Ajit are in a boat. The boat suddenly springs a hole and water starts coming inside. Robert is perplexed !)
Robert: Boss ab kya hoga ??
AJIT:Robert Ek aur hole bana do, aur ek hole me IN
aur doosre me OUT likh do. Ek hole se paani ander aayega
aur doosre se bahar chala jayega
---------------------------------------------

[boldenblack]

Two mothers met for coffee one morning, and the conversation naturally turned to their kids.
"Well, Martina, how are your kids?", asks Jessica.
"To tell you the truth," says Martina, "my George has married a witch! She doesn't get out of bed until 11. She's out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? NO! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant."
"Hmmm ... and how is your daughter?", Jessica asks.
"Ah!", says Martina. "Cathy has married a saint! He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy all she needs, and in the evening he takes her out to dinner at a nice, fancy restaurant."

[boldenblack]

The Perfect Husband.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H - Husband, W - Wife)

H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

H - "Yes."
W -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

H -"What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."

H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
2003
models. I saw one I really liked. Its a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price .. and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..

H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $65,000..."

H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else...

H -"What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool English garden, acre of park area, beach front property."

H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000.OK?"
W - "OK,sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

H - "Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap.

The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision.

The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks "Does anyone know who this Cellphone belongs to???"

[boldenblack]

Top 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations :

1. At the movies:
When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus:
A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps
on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral:
One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant:
When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??

Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated
cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

5. At a family get-together:
When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:-Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating ,insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?

Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman in your office asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.

Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle ............it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

[boldenblack]

This is a new theory regarding how to catch a lion. for those who are not aware of Indian Films pls dont read the Last part because you will not be able to understand it.

Happy reading.





How to catch a Lion:

Newton's Method:

Let, the lion catch you. For every action there is

equal and opposite reaction.Implies you caught lion



Einstein Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.

Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also

run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can

trap it easily.



Schrodinger Method:

At any given moment,

there is a positive probability

that lion to be in the cage. So set the trap, sit

down and wait.

Inverse Transformation Method:

We place a spherical cage in the forest and enter it.

Perform an inverse transformation with respect to

lion. Lion is in and we are out.



Thermodynamic Procedure:

We construct a semi-permeable membrane which allows

everything to pass it except lions. Then sweep the

entire forest with it.



Integration Differential
Method:

Integrate the forest over the entire area. The lion

is some where in the result. So differentiate the

result PARTIALLY w.r.t lion to trace out the lion



Software Engineer Method:

Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven

that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues

tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.



Indian Police Method:

catch any animal and interrogate it to accept that

its a Lion. GOT FRUSTRATED Now lets kill the

lion...



Rajnikanth-(INDIAN MOVIE STAR) Method :

Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack

anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in

fear itself.



Karan Johar Method (Indian Film director):

Send a lioness into the forest. our lion and lioness

fall in love with each other. Send another lioness

in to the forest,followed by another lion. First

lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves

the 2nd lioness. But 2nd lioness loves both lions.

Now send another lioness(third) into the forest.

You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15

yrs, then also u wont !





Menaka Gandhi (Social Activist) method:

save the lion from a danger and feed him with some

vegetables continuously.



George bush method:

Link the lion with osama bin laden

and shoot him.

[boldenblack]

A collection of famous quotes by Navjot Singh (made during his commentary of the cricket matches):
1.That ball went so high it could have got an airhostess down with it.

2.There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it’s that of an incoming train which will run them over.

3.Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.

4.Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.

5.Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!

6.He is like Indian three-wheeler, which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!

7.The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend, that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world, which does not have wings!

8.As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.

9.The ball whizzes past like a bumblebee and theIndians are in the sea.

10.The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a haystack.

11.The pitch is as dead as a dodo.

12.Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!

13.The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala..! one falls and everything else falls!

14.Indian team without Sachin is like giving a Kiss without a Squeeze.

15.You cannot make Omlets without breaking the eggs.

6.Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goalkeeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.

17.He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.

18.One, who doesn’t throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.

19.Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.

20.Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.

21.You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.

22.The cat with gloves catches no mice.

23.Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.

4.You may have a heart of gold, but so does! a hard-boiled egg.

25.He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.

26.The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason.

27.The world is all about mind and matter, I don’t mind and U don’t matter...

28.In London they drive on the left, in India we drive on what is left!

[boldenblack]

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here

[phatgurl]

hey these are really great one liners ruchika!

[boldenblack]

hey these are really great one liners ruchika!
i am glad it is making ppl laugh!!:D

[boldenblack]

People wonder why they r paid so much.............for just being on the phone. Take a look:

*

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

-----------------------------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
--------------------------------------
Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."
---------------------------------------
Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$

--------------------

Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

--------------------
Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."
--------------------


Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

--------------------------

Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
-------------------

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

---------------

Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

---------------

[boldenblack]

From Mon to Sun,from Jan to Dec,From Birth to Death,my feelings for you have never changed.For me,you've alwayz been ............a headache!!!
-----------------------
aarz karte hai..........chand ko dekha,to aap dikhi!!!taaron main dekha,to aap dikhi,phoolon ko dekha,to aap dikhi.aare zara side main ho jao , to kuch aur dikhe!!
--------------------------
After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists, found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network, one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed,American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read:-

"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year, old optical fibres, high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Indian press reported the following:-

"After digging as deep as 500m, Indian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile phones.

[boldenblack]

A Sardarji and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The Sardarji, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."

Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep. The American, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5,and if I am not able to answer your question , I will pay you $500."

This catches the Sardarji's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Sardarji doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "your turn".

He asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The American, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer & searches all his preferences........no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the Sardarji and hands him $500.

The Sardarji thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The American, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardarji and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Sardarji reaches into his purse, hands the american $5,and goes back to sleep
-------------------------------
Madan Mohan Malviya was trying to build a good university; he had to overcome many difficulties and barriers. He worked with determination to start the university. There was a funds crisis; but he did not get disheartened. He went from town to town, met many rich people and traders to collect donations. He went to the Nizam of Hyderabad to request him for funds.

The Nizam was furious, 'How dare you come to me for funds... that too for a Hindu university?' he roared with anger and took off his footwear and flung it at Malviya. Malviya picked up the footwear and left silently. He came directly to the market place and began to auction the footwear. As it was the Nizam's footwear, many came forward to buy it. The price went up.

When Nizam heard of this, he became uneasy. He thought it would be an insult if his footwear were to be bought by someone for a pittance. So he sent one of his attendants with the instruction, 'Buy that footwear no matter what the bidding price be!' Thus, Malviya managed to sell the Nizam's own footwear to him, for a huge amount. He used that money to build the Benares Hindu University.

Moral: It is not what you have, but it is how you use what you have that makes the difference in your life.

[boldenblack]

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,Built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the Driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body buildingcourses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and reamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a Bus pass."

Moral of the story: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one."

"Walking on water and developing software on a specification is easy if both are frozen"

[boldenblack]

HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

EXCEL Woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic needs.

SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything.

[doly_455]

Why does a woman work ten yrs to chang a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? - Barbara Streisand

Untill u became a parent, you can't begin to discover your capacity for strengthm love and fatigue.- Peter Gallagher

Humour is always based on a modicum of truth, ever heard a joke about a father-in-law.- DickClark

You should never marry anybody untill you've seen each other miserablu sick with the flu.- Dr Phil Mcgraw

The key to a long and healthy marriage is that, honestly, ther is nothing worth fighting about.- Jay Leno

[boldenblack]

Why does a woman work ten yrs to chang a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married? - Barbara Streisand

Untill u became a parent, you can't begin to discover your capacity for strengthm love and fatigue.- Peter Gallagher

Humour is always based on a modicum of truth, ever heard a joke about a father-in-law.- DickClark

You should never marry anybody untill you've seen each other miserablu sick with the flu.- Dr Phil Mcgraw

The key to a long and healthy marriage is that, honestly, ther is nothing worth fighting about.- Jay Leno
good ones doly

[boldenblack]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked what if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, Then you ask him".

-------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
--------------

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line,at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.


--------------------------

[boldenblack]

TEN TOP REASONS GOD CREATED EVe
10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions.


9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)

8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.

7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.

5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.

4. As "keeper of the Garden" Adam would need help in finding his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple incident, and for anything else that was really his fault.

2. As the Bible says: "It is not good for man to be alone."



And the No. 1 reason of all......

God stepped back,

looked at Adam,

and declared - - - - - - :



"I can do better than that."

[boldenblack]

How to identify cities
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and
they start arguing about who's right.
You are in Kolkatta

Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them
and walks on.
That's Mumbai

Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to
make peace.
The first two get together & beat him up.

That's Delhi

Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along
and quietly opens a chai stall
That's Ahmedabad.

Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes he writes a software
program to stop the fight..
but the fight doesn't stop b'cos of a bug in the program
That's Bangalore

Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. They stop fighting,
because they don't want any third guy to take credit for any good doing.

Welcome to Hyderabad!

[boldenblack]

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money but, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00

[boldenblack]

General Musharaf, Vajpayee, Aishwarya Rai and Margaret Thatcher are sitting in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Both women and Gen Musharraf are sitting there looking perplexed. Vajpayee is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Thatcher is thinking:

"These Indians are all crazy after Aishwarya. Vajpayee must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him."

Aishwarya is thinking:

"Vajpayee must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped."

Vajpayee is thinking:

"Damn it, Musharraf must have tried to kiss Aishwarya, she must have
thought it was me and slapped my face. "

Musharraf is thinking:

"If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Vajpayee again."

[boldenblack]

UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT

[boldenblack]

The president of a large corporation opened his directors’ meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."
-----------------------

An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner.

The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping of ...). After the test, the manager says: "You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies: "Well then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket.

Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time.

Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the
adviser is stunned: "What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce?

Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from
the very start!"

After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: "Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!"

[boldenblack]

Panjaab Airways :IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT

Guddu maarning, Ladies and Gen'lemen. Parajee aur
Behnjee. Sat SriAkal.
On behalf of Kaptaan Balbir Singh 'Bobby', this is
your Flight
Supervisor Parminder Singh "Pummy" welcoming to you on the
Panjaab Airways flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana.
We apaalogize for the two-day delay in taking off,
because the sun was not shining brightly in the fog. And we are knowing the
sun does not shine in the night.
Landing in Ludhiana is not definite, but with good
luck we can be landing directly in your village.
Panjaab Airways has excellent record for safety.
In fact our safety standards are so high that even the fully trained
terrists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us.
I am pleased to announce that starting this year
over 90% of our passengers have reached to their destination. For
the rest 10%, the Panjaab Airways staff has lots of experience for consoling
the next-of-kin.
Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be happy to brief you on
our out-of-court settlement policies.
If engines are too noisy, on passengers request,
we can turn them off for cumfaart, but your flight will become late and you
may become the late also.
For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you to
contact God at once. In case of sudden loss of cabin preyer, Holy
Books will be quickly distributed.
We regret that today's in-flight phillum will not
be shown as we could not record it from the tallyvision due to power cut.
But we will be flying right next to Air India,where their phillum can be
seen from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been
opened for your viewing convenience. For passengers on left
side, we have put binoculars under the seat.
If Air India flight is again cancelled, then for
your in-flight entertainment, our hostesses Bubbly Kaur & Sweety
Kaur will do the Bhangra with flight stewards Jassi and Maninder. Oye, Balle Balle!!
Your in-flight Menu has a choice of Chicken Tikka
Masala,
Tandoori Fish, Dal makhani, unlimited p'ranthaas and Lassi.
There is a half charge for Red Label Whiskey served from Black Label bottles.
Patiala pegs will be served only on Patiala flights.
Pliss do not ask air hostess to sit next to you.
As per safety rules, smoking is not allowed on aal P'njaab
Airways flights over P'njaab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is
only the early warning system on the engines.
pliss do read the instructions on the Safety Card in seat pocket
in your front side. It is not a hand fan. The P'ssainger behind you must read the card in
your backside.
Life jackets are placed under your seats for emergency water landings on
any of our 5 rivers. Do not use life jackets on the land.
Kindly keep your seat in upright position for take-off &
landing. Also do not use force. Broken seats will not be replaced
and you will be tied to the floor during take off
And landing.pliss be seated first and then fasten your
seatbelts.
Do not call for steward or airhostess for a glass of water when
plane is taking off.
We are about to take-off. We wish you a plasent flight.
For air sikness problems we have echo-friendly jute bags in the sit pockets.
Thank you once again for flying with P'njaab Airways.
Balle balle!

[boldenblack]

Laloo talks to his son
Laloo : I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : I want to choose my own bride.
Laloo : But the girl is Ambani's daughter.
Son : Well, in that case... I can consider the idea..

Next Laloo approaches Ambani

Laloo : I have a husband for your daughter.
Ambani: But my daughter is too young to marry.
Laloo : But this young man is a vice president of the World Bank.
Ambani: Ah, in that case...I can give it a thought

Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank
Laloo : I have a young man to be recommended as a vice president.
President : But I already have more vice presidents than I need.
Laloo : But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law.
President : Really ? in that case I will certainly think on this...

This is called the Real Management these days.......
-------------------
Adult Education
A strenuous effort to learn stuff that bored you when you were young enough to profit from it.

Bride
A woman who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband carries her across the threshold.

Education
What you have left over when you subtract what you've forgotten from what you've learned.

Experience
What you think you have until such time you acquire more.

Good breeding
That quality which enables a person to wait in well mannered silence, while the loudmouth gets service.

Idiot
Any person who fails to see your point in a discussion

[boldenblack]

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!".
So I bought her an electric chair.

Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

[boldenblack]

On April Fool’s day, a teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:


Love all, trust ... me.
No news is ... impossible.
Strike while the ... bug is close.
A miss is as good as a ... Mrs.
A penny saved is ... not much.
Don`t bite the hand that ... looks dirty.
You can`t teach an old dog ... math.
An idle mind is ... the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there`s ... pollution.
Better to be safe than .... punch a 5th grader
Happy is the bride who ... gets all the presents.
Never underestimate the power of ... termites.
When the blind lead the blind ... get out of the way.
If at first you don`t succeed ... get new batteries.
If you lie down with dogs, you ... will stink in the morning.
Children should be seen and not ... spanked or grounded.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and ... you have to blow your nose.

[boldenblack]

How many times have you heard these in Hindi Films?

* The eternal reason for being the victim of anything that can
happen to you in
hindi films :" Mai gareeb hoon na , isliye ...."


* A main character in the movie will go to the temple and say :
"Bhagwan mainey tumse aaj tak kuch nahin maanga....."


* Old hindi movie :
"Aiye ji sunte ho.. Aap bade woh hein."


* Lover-girl to leaving lover-boy :
"Mai tumhare bina nahin jee sakti "


* "Kanoon ke haath bahut lambe hote hein"
&
* "Rukjao! kanoon ko apne haath mein mat lo"


* Judge announcing his decision in filmi court :
"Gawaaoon key bayaanat aur saboot ko madde nazar rakhtey
Taz-e-raat-e-hind, dafaa 302 ke tahet , muzrim ko sazaaye maut di jaati hai"


* " Muzrim ko ba-izzat bari kiya jaata hai"


* " Main is Geeta per haath rakhkar yeh saugandh leta hoon ki jo bhi
kahoonga sach kahoonga, aur sach ke siva kuch nahin kahoonga."


* "Inspector! Giraftaar karlo issey"


* " Raam Raam kaaka"


* " Jug Jug jiyo beta "


* " Ab hum kisi ko muh dikhaane ke layak nahin rahe"


* " Kya issi din ke liye tujhe paal pos ke bada kiya tha?"


* Typical farmer ka dialogue :
" mainey is zameen ko apne khoon sey seencha hai "


* Hero/heroine after opening their eyes in the hospital :
" Main kahan hoon?"



* " Hum jahaan khade hote hein, line wahin sey shuru hoti hai"


* " Mai kahti hoon, Door ho jaa meri nazron sey"


* "Is ghar ke darwaaze, tumhare liye hamesha ke liye band hein"


* A Prem-Chopra-type villian to the heroine/village belle :
" In gori gori kalaiyon ko kaam karne ki kya zaroorat hai"


* " Chhod do mujhe, bhagwaan ke liye chhod do"


* " Maine tumhe kya samjha, Aur tum kya nikley!"


* doctor :
" Ab Sab oopar waale key haath mein hai"


* The doctor to the paitent's near n' dear one :
" I'm sorry, hum kuch nahin kar sakey"


* doctor : " Chowbees ghante tak hosh nahin aiya to ..... "


* " Agar Maa ka doodh piya hai to saamne aa."


* " Jyaada hoshiayari karne ki koshish maat karna "


* Amitabh in a hajaar movies :
" Nahin chhodunga tujhe. Jaan sey maar daaloonga."


* " Bhagwaan pe bharosa rakho. Sab thik ho jaiye ga"


* " Woh ek gandi naali ka keeda hai"


* A heroine's expression of what love does to her :
" Mera dil dhak-dhak karta hai "


* " Ajji sunte ho , munna ke pitajee "


* Rich father to son : " Ek phooti kaudi nahin doonga "


* " Zamaane ne thokar laga-laga ke is dil ko paththar bana diya"


* Dharmendra in a hajaar movies : " Kutte! Kamine ! ....."
" Yeh Taklooooo!"


* Lalita Pawar in a hajaar scenes : " Chudeil! Kide pade tere ....."


* Best way to threaten someone from doing anything against your
wishes :
" Agar tumhe maine yeh karne diya, to mera naam ______ nahin"
" Tumne yeh kiya, to mujhse bura koi nahin hoga "


* " Woh kutte ki maut marega "


* " Bol! Bol heere kahan chuppa rakhe hai "


* The favoirite emotional blackmail :
" Tune yeh kiya to tu mere mara muh dekhegi "


* Inspector Iftekar on a megaphone :
" Apne aap ko police ke hawaale kar do. Police ne chaaron taraf
sey tumhe gher liya hai "
" Apne hathiyaar phenk do "


* The classic : " Thairo! Yeh shaadi nahin ho sakti !"


* One of the very best : " Mai tere bachche ki maa banne waali hoon
"


* "Jurm ki duniya ka betaaj badshah ... Kaaliya/Don/whatever "


* Tikku Talsaniya in a hajaar movies " Ouff! Yeh kya ho raha hai "


* Keshto in a million movies " Hi-HEEYAAHH!"


* Shatru a hajaar times " Abbe ChaparGanju! "



* The villian's sidekick : "Boss! Maal pakda gaya "


* "Jo sheeshe ke gharon mein rehne hein, woh doosron pe paththar
nahin
phenkte"


* "Hum woh hein jo paththar ko kaanch se tod liya karte hein"


* All filmi chowkidaars : " Shhalaam Shhaab!"


*- The stereotypical announcer : " Bhaiyon aur behnon ...." "
Ladies and
Gentelmen ..."
- Mehmood, the announcer : " Ladies and Ledas ...."



* " Har kutte ka din aata hai "


* " Mai tumahara aihsaan zindagi bhar nahin bhoolonga"


* " Itnay paise tum kahan sey laiye ?"


* " Bacchhhhaaaooooooooooo......."


* " Police mere peeche lagi hui hai .."


* " Tum mere liye mar chuke ho "


* " Ghar mein do-do jawaan betiyaan hein"


* " Lo! - Muh meertha karo "


* " Hato naa! Log kya kahenge "


* " Khabardaar jo mujhe haath bhi lagayaa .."


* " Aarre! isse to tez bukhaar hai "


* " Maa tum kitni achi ho"


* " Bhaiyaaa!"


* " Yeh aap kya keh rahen hein, bhai sahab?"


* " Aaj Pinky ka janam din hai"


* " Gurkha, isse dhakke maarke bahar nikaal do "


* " Mai yeh tumhaara aihsaan zindagi bhart nahin bhoolonga"


* "Yeh anyay hai Bhagwan"


* "Driver, gaadi roko"


* " pulice ko tum jaise naujawaanon per naaz hai"
"Ab tumhari maa hanmare kabze mein hai "
" Agar tum paanch llaakh leker, silver beech ke puraney killey pe
nahin
aiye, to mai usse bomb se udaa doongaa"


* " Goli se udaa do usse"


* Nirupa roy's favourite " Ek baar mujhe maa kehkar pukaro beta"


* Gracious father taking the blame for his son :
" Yeh khoon maine kiya hai, melod!"


* " Bhaagne ki koshish mat karna"


* " ... mujhe tumhaare is behte hue khoon ki kasam ...."

Yeh sauda tumhe bahut mehnga padega"


* Dumb looking hero coming to blind mom :
" Maa, mai first class first pass ho gaya hoon"


* "Beti, tu to paraya dhan hai "


* "Pesh hai duniya ke jaane-maane kalakaar, Miss Renu"


* " Zabaan ko lagaam do .."


* The hindi film unnux :
" Aaja re mere raaja "


* On a suhaagraat nite, wife to husband :
" Doodh pee lijiya"


* " Seedhi Anguli se ghee nikalne waala nahin"


* " Hume tedi anguli se ghee nikaalna aata hai"


* " Kutte ki dum tedi-ki-tedi hi rehti hai "


* " Bhabhi, tumhare haath ki chai peene ko man kar raha hai "


* Dharmendra : " Chun Chun ke maaroonga, ek-ek ko chun chun ke
maroonga "


* " Tune mere peeth pe chura bhoka hai "


Specific dialogues :
---------------------

* Hapless victim: " Bhagwaan ke liye mujhe chhod do!"
Shakti Kapoor : " Aaare bhagwaan ke liye chhod doon to mai kya
karoon?
prasaad khaoon?"

* Utpal Dutt to his daughter in GolMaal :
" Tumhari shaadi usse nahin hogi jisse tum pyaar karti ho, balki
usse hogi
jisse mai pyaar karta hoon."



Here are ten more contributed by Deepak Deolalikar:

1. Yahan teri izzat bachane koi nahi ayega

2. Kanoon jazbaat nahi, saboot dekhti hai

3. judge sahab, maine khoon nahi kiya.

4. kash tum mera yakin kar sakti

5. mein kisi ke muh dikhane kabil nahi rahi

6. ham barbad ho gaye

7. ghar mein jawan beti hai ........

8. tumhare khyal kitne neech hain

9. Tum mujhe galat samajh rahi ho....kash mein sachchai bata sakta

[boldenblack]

who sadak ke us paar thi

hum sadak ke is paar the

kuch hum aaghe badhe kuch who aage badhi

hum kuch aur aage badhe who bhi kuch aur aage badhi

hum kuch aur aage badhe who bhi kuch aur aage badhi

ab hum sadak ke us paar the aur who sadak ke is paar thi !!

(wah wah wah waaaahhhh)

-----------------------------
Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan

Main hu yahan, tu hai wahan

Lifebouy hai jahan, tandurusti hai wahan
-----------------------------
ise dil diya woh dilli chali gayi

jise pyar kiya woh italy chali gayi

dil ne kaha khud kushi(sucide) kar le jalim

bijali ko haath lagaya to bijali chali gayi

------------------------
Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main,

badi joshh ke sath !

Humne bhi pyar kiya tha jindgi main,

badi shhor ke sath !

Aab hum pyar karenge badi soch ke sath !

Kyon ki usey kal shamko dekha kisi aur ke sath !

=========================

[boldenblack]

A girl was standing at a bus stop. A boy walking along remarked, chand to raat ko nikalta hai,
aaj din mein kaise nikal aaya? The girl replied with a smile ulloo to raat ko bolta hai, aaj din
mein kaise bol raha hai?

------------------

WORDS WOMEN USE


FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is
only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually
end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make
to a man. "That's! Okay" means that she wants to think long and
hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say
you're welcome.

[boldenblack]

MONKEY BUSINESS

A Bihari hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone.

He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats. The Bihari sits down and thinks of how he can get the hats down. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.
Fifty years later, his grandson, Laloo, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree.

He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed.
Now, very convinced of his grandfather's idea Laloo threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats. Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said...

You think only you have a grandfather?

[boldenblack]

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's
Direct Marketing


You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him."

That's
Advertising.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich.
Marry me."

That's
Telemarketing.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it,offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"


That's
Public Relations.


You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich, I want to marry you."


That's
Brand Recognition.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

That's
customer's feedback

[boldenblack]

Kuch Kuch Hota Hai,
Exam paas aaye, sir mera dukhaye
Teacher ne na jaaane kyun, dande dikhaye,
Ab to mera sir, jaage na sota hai,
Kya karoon haye, kuch kuch hota ha
-----------------------
Santa Singh once applied to Medical College. Listed below are the results of his entrance test. Needless to say he didn't make it...

ANTIBODY: against everyone

ARTERY: the study of fine paintings

BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria

BENIGN: what you be after you be eight

BOWEL: letters except Vowels(a ,e ,i ,o ,u)

CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome

CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing

CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty

CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her

COMA: a punctuation mark

CONGENITAL: friendly

CORTIZONE: the local courthouse

D & C: where Washington is

DILATE: to live longer

ENEMA: not a friend

FIBRILLATE: to tell lies

GENES: blue denim slacks (My favorite brand :Flying Machine)

HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space

IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known

LABOR PAIN: hurt at work

MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's

ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move

PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories

PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go

PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture

PROTEIN: in favor of young people

RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula

SECRETION: hiding anything

TABLET: a small table

TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport

TIBIA: country in North Africa

TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak

TUMOR: an extra pair

URINE: opposite of "you're out"

VARICOSE: very close

VEIN: conceited

[boldenblack]

From : Hero No.1
Subject: Yeh Prem Patra Padhkar, Tum Naraz Na Hona...

Johnny Mera Naam
Piya Ka Ghar
Choukee No. 11
Teesri Manzil
China Town



Date: Nav Do Gyarah

My Dear ‘Anamica':

You must be surprised to receive this ‘Prem Patra' from me. Let me make my
‘Pahechan' to you as ‘Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge'. Though I am an
‘Awaara', I am also your ‘Deewana'.

I am making you a ‘Prarthna' to enter my ‘Zindagi' as a ‘Priyatama'. Even
though I do not have any ‘Sambandh' with you, I still consider you as my
‘Dream Girl' with ‘Lal Dupatta Malmal Ka'. There are only ‘Do Raaste' left
for me. One is to get your love by ‘Tyag' or to go the ‘Rangeela' way.

Wouldn't you like to be ‘Mere Jeevan Saathi' as you are ‘Lakhon Mein Ek'? I
also hope that you will ‘Guide' me in ‘Bahar' as we are made for ‘Ek Duje Ke
Liye'.

We will live in ‘Naya Zamana' where we will have a ‘Suhana Safar'. In this
‘Himalay Ki God Mein', our ‘Bandhan' is going to tied with ‘Preet Ki Dor'. I
hope that we will have nothing but ‘Anand' in ‘Ye Dillagi'.

Aren't you bored of ‘Akele Hum Akele Tum' life? Let this ‘Baazigar' be your
‘Boy Friend' and we start ‘Pehli Mohabbat'. This ‘Chahat' is going to lead
to a ‘Milan' where you are going to call me everyday for ‘Aao Pyar Karen'.

Now, ‘Phir Kab Miloge' as ‘Tumse Accha Kaun Hein'? As you know my love is
‘Himalay Se Uncha' and hopefully our ‘Mulakat' will be ‘An Evening in Paris'.
‘Aa Gale Lag Jaa'!

‘Hum Aapke Hain Koun...?'


-- A Prem Pujaari

[boldenblack]

Shaadi ke pehle(Before marriage) - Maine Pyar Kiya
Shaadi ke baad(After marriage) - Ye Maine Kya Kiya?



Shaadi ke pehle - Kuch Kuch Hota Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Kuch bhi Nahi Hota Hai



Shaadi ke pehle - Dil To Pagal Hai
Shaadi ke baad - Main To Pagal hoon



Shaadi ke pehle - Aao Pyar Karen
Shaadi ke baad - Aur Bhi Kuch Kaam Karen



Shaadi ke pehle - Yes Boss
Shaadi ke baad - Yes Boss



Shaadi ke pehle - Mere Sapno Ki Rani
Shaadi ke baad - Hunterwali



Shaadi ke pehle - Hum Aapke Hai Koun?
Shaadi ke baad - Yeh Teesra Koun?



Shaadi ke pehle - Titanic
Shaadi ke baad - Mortgage



Shaadi ke pehle - Kuwara Baap
Shaadi ke baad - Bechara Baap



Shaadi ke phele - Dil lagi
Shaadi ke Baad - Waat lagi



Shaadi ke pehle - Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge
Shaadi ke baad - Baaki Log Sukhi Ho Jayenge



Shaadi ke pehle - Ek Duje Ke Liye
Shaadi ke baad - Sirf Bachcho Ke Liye



Shaadi ke pehle - Kabhi Kabhi
Shaadi ke baad - If you are lucky

[boldenblack]

Here's an essay on "The Cow" which was actually written by some student in the course of completing the "Indian Civil Services Examination"

The cow is a successful animal. Also he is quadruped, and because he is female, he give milk, but will do so when he is got child. He is same like God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards.

"His whole body can be utilized for use. More so the milk. What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermen and mankind generally.

"His motion is slow only because he is of latitudinous species. Also his other motion is much useful to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

"His only attacking and defending organ is the horn, specially so when he is got child. This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.

"He has got tails also, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his Coho body whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts his eyes like his relatives, the horse does not do so.

This is the cow.

And the candidate passed the exam.

[boldenblack]

Favourite desi-English lines
I talk, he talk, why do you beech beech talk? (beech, beech = middle, middle)

Why are you naat fill upping the blanks? (filling up the blanks)

Do not smoke and spoil the botany of our body

Don't talk like that in front of my back

Repeat again please!

Dont stand in front of my back

Sign in a Florida paan shop. Prop: Raju . B.A, M.A

Did you cut the tickets for the film, yet?

Mistake became wrong!

Cuckoo, Blaady (Kick you, bloody...)

Who took out the breeze of my cykill? (cycle)

Open the windows and let the atmosphere come in

The Principal is rotating outside

Heard in kitchen: No, No I don't need chair i can stand eating

My cykill (cycle) is understanding the tree

An instructor explaining the working of pendulum: "Take an elephant of negligible weight"

It's so hot! Please on the fan now

"Apply Apply, No reply" (common one)

Pliss, close the fan!

"Don't talk like that in front of my back" "Dont stand in front of my back"

[boldenblack]

Question : What is the height of globalization?

Answer : Princess Diana's death

Question : How come?

Answer : An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was high on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian
Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines!

And this is sent to you by an Pakistani , using Bill Gates' technology
which he stole from the Japanese. And you are probably reading this on one
of the IBM clones that use Taiwanese-made chips, and Korean made monitors,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by
lorries driven by Filipino, and finally sold to you by Chinese! That's
Globalization!!!

[boldenblack]

Tajmahal ki deewaron pe aaj bhi likha hua hien
Tajmahal ki deewaron pe aaj bhi likha hua hien
Yahan thookna mana hien !! ================================================== ===

shayar: ekhattar, bahattar , tihattar.....
ekhattar, bahattar , tihattar.....
ekhattar, bahattar , tihattar.....
ekhattar, bahattar , tihattar.....
audience: abe aage bhi to bol
shayar: haan hai na
chohattar, pichhattar, chiyattar..
chohattar, pichhattar, chiyattar..
chohattar, pichhattar, chiyattar..

================================================== ===

I have a confession to make, ever since I have known u,
Its kinda hard for me to forget u.
Every night u appear in my dreams, And I find my self shouting.....
BHOOT !!! BHOOT !!!

==================

reh reh ker mujh ko to bas ek hi khayal ata hai,
wo kambakht na janay kaun se sabun se nahata hai

======================



brandy,whishky,shampaign ya rum
paise uranay main kisi se na hum kum.



=========================

Jo ek galti kare .....................anjaan
Jo 2 galti kare .....................nadaan
Jo 3 galti kare .....................shaitaan
Jo galtiyon pe galti kare.............Pakistan
Aur, Jo har galti maaf kare...........HINDUSTAN !

======================================

na tum ****h(terrace) pe aati
na main deewana hota
na tum patthar maarti
na mien kana hota

================================

Tajmahal kya cheez hai,
isse badi imarat banaunga,
Mumtaz to marke dafan hui thi,
tuzhe to mein zinda dafnaunga.

==========================

[boldenblack]

Have you ever wondered what would be in "Titanic" if the same was made in Bollywood? The name of the movie would be "Goa to Bombay”. Well here it goes:

Aishwarya has to be Rose and who else but Shahrukh as Jack.

Aishwarya’s fiancé would be Gulshan Grover who mutters "bad man" every time he sees Shahrukh.
Amitabh Bachan would make a guest appearance as the Ship's captain and would be waltzing with Aishwarya during the party. Of course, he will not die.
Shahrukh will be traveling with his sister and 5 other chamchas from college plus 50 extras who are well trained with every dance sequence in the world.
The movie would only last for 7 hours. Thanks to great piece of editing, there would be only 22 songs in the movie out of 30 in CD album.
The ship would be overflowing with extras that you normally find in movies that have a court scene full of people or a slum full of aam-janta. The ship will start sinking, not because of the iceberg but because of excessive on-board population.
The back seat of the car scene would be replaced with a song in the Swiss Alps.
Best friend of Shahrukh will save his sister during chaos. The sister will instantly fall in love right after this and she will get a song or two.
How can we forget the painting scene? Shahrukh would be painting Aishwarya’s portrait. This is to be followed by a dance number, with extras of course, in a art gallery.
Shahrukh would eventually find his long lost mom Aasoo Devi on the ship. Only during the climax would Aasoo Devi tell Shahrukh about how 'Gulshan' troubled them.
Shahrukh would then yell, "Kutte mein tera khoon pee jaaoonga". The ensuing fight would only last for an hour.
There would be an antakshari for the "drowners" conducted by Anu Kapoor instead of the trio playing the violin.
Most important! The number of times the word "Bachaoooo" would be yelled would be a record in the history of cinema.

[boldenblack]

Banta Singh and Santa Singh got tired using cell
phones and for a change decided to use really ancient
methods of communication. They decided to use pigeons
to send messages. So they went and bought expensive
carrier pigeons from the Jama Masjid market in old
Delhi and found to their joy that the pigeons indeed
could be trained and the birds very easily learnt to
return directly to their respective homes. And so this
scheme worked very fine.
One day Santa sends his pigeon. When the pigeon
reaches to Banta it is with out message. Banta picked
his mobile and asked Santa "What is this joke? The
pigeon is without any message!!!"
Then Santa said "Oye khotey, this was a missed call."

[boldenblack]

Little Billy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Billy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Billy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Billy, of course, thought he did. Billy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Billy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:

Dear God,

I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend, Billy

Billy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:

Dear God,

This is your friend Billy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Billy

Billy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:

Dear God,

I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.

Billy

Billy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.


LETTER 4:

Dear God,

I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.

Thank you, Billy

Billy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Billy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Billy's mother thought her plan had worked because Billy looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Billy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Billy began to write his letter to God.

LETTER 5:

I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.

Signed,

YOU KNOW WHO